Only Puberty

It started when I was fourteen years old. I can't even tell you what triggered it or why. But don't we all want to know why?

They say that childhood and youth are supposed to be the best parts of life. Joyful, lots of friends, parties, sleepovers. I had all of this, still do. The problem is that you can't enjoy any of these things when there is something inside your head that you can't even put a name on.

At first, I thought that it was only puberty. Or maybe that's what everyone around me was trying to make me believe. There was doubt, of course, because I never truly believed that this is what the best years of my life are supposed to feel like. Nevertheless, I let it be.

I came to school most of the days, feeling ... I still don't quite know how to describe it. It's hard to put into words. This heavy weight on you, on your chest, on your soul. It has always been overwhelming – just not in a good way. The constant sadness that you never truly know the reason for. You try to think of one and it drives you crazy because you overthink the fact that you're down and the reason why. You get annoyed and angry too fast because of the tiniest things that might go wrong.

One day, one of my guy best friends and I realized what it was. I was devastated. I wasn't relieved at all because of course, I finally had an idea of what was "wrong" with me, but at the same time, I saw that there was actually something wrong.
As if this wasn't enough, some of my other best friends at the time told me more times than I could bear to "stop looking so sad" and that I'm "getting on their nerves" with my "*swear word* depression".

Apart from the hell I was going through, I liked going to school. Of course it was hard sometimes, because school is never just easy, right? When I was seventeen, my parents split up. I don't want to go into detail because somehow, I knew that this would happen at some point. Still, it was hard and didn't make things easier for me at the time. I hated waking up every day, even more so than before, but I was looking forward to the long bus drive to school, where I would relax and listen to music, sometimes until one second before my first class started. I enjoyed being at school and dreaded having to drive home in the afternoon. 

This was my life now. I know you hear that it will get better every day, and I'm not promising anything. It is far from over for me and sometimes, I still fall in a hole so deep you can't even imagine. But dealing with it gets easier.

Now I know. I have always known. This is not just puberty. It's an illness.