Romeo + Juliet | s.r

Chapter 9

What we did find was the correctional facility her dad was being held in. The second I heard that the team was planning to send me in to interrogate, I simply refused. It was still too early, I couldn't possibly go see someone who left her completely alone. If there was something I understood, it was the feeling of loneliness. How it slowly creeped onto you and left you utterly broken. Broken. Just like how she said in the voicemail.  After pleading Hotch to send someone else in, he decided to send JJ and Morgan in. Emily was still avoiding everything, so much so that she even put in a transfer to another unit in London.

JJ and Morgan told us about how Peyton's mom died due to an unknown disease and how her dad forced her to rob a bank at 17. Even going as far as trying to pin the murder of his mistress on her. She'd gone through so much growing up, and still had the brightest, happiest smile ever.

It made sense now, why she continuously doubted herself and had trouble trusting people. She'd lost the only person that cared for her at the age of five and never learned to accept affection since.

But even knowing her past didn't help with the investigation. We still didn't have anything on the organization that hired her.

And here, at her funeral, my mind was filled with thoughts about the unknown organization. I couldn't focus on her body in the casket. Limp, and pale. Her hands rested over her stomach. She still looked so beautiful.

"Man, I managed to look hot in my casket too." A soft, angelic voice beside me giggled. Turning my head, my eyes widened a bit before shutting them tight.

"You're not really here." I muttered. Great, now I was hallucinating her too.

She stepped closer to my sides, our shoulders almost touching. "Of course not silly. I'm over there in that casket. It's where I belong." She sighed.

I completely turned so I was facing her now. "No, it's not. You're supposed to be here. Alive. I love you, why couldn't you stay?" Wiping a couple tears with the back of my hand, I stepped closer, only to have her step away.

"You know deep down I had to go. I'll never forget you Spencer Reid, and I'm not telling you to forget me, but you know you have to move on." Her gentle hands came up to wipe another tear that had spilled from my eyes. She turned her head to the front, gesturing for me to look that way too.

"Now, go put the prettiest flowers on my casket, and give me the best eulogy out there. I'll always be here Spence, even when my body's deep under the ground." She spoke softly, smiling at me.

I turned my head back to her, and just like that, she was gone, but I could faintly smell that sweet vanilla and butterscotch scent she left behind.

I strolled up to her casket, putting a single white rose on it, before making my way up to the makeshift stage.

I cleared my throat, and out of the corner of my eye I could see Garcia giving me a small smile to encourage me. Her way of telling me things will be okay.

"Thank you for being here today. She'd appreciate it a lot, knowing there are people out there that truly do care for her. Peyton Rivera was my girlfriend." My lips tugged up slightly at the fact that I referred to her as my girlfriend. It felt nice calling her that.

"She's here with us. In our hearts. She was the sweetest, most beautiful person I know. She truly was an angel. And today, standing here, I miss her so much. I don't think I'll ever stop. She always knew how to lighten our moods after a tough case. Peyton was constantly making sure we were okay. I think, sometimes, we just forgot to make sure she was okay." The tears had started, and my voice broke.

Garcia came up onto the stage, giving me a big hug and rubbing her hands down my arms as a gesture of comfort. In the distance, I could see Emily. Even though her eyes were hidden behind her fascinator, I knew she was crying.

Taking a few shaky breaths, I continued. After all, Peyton wanted me to give the best eulogy, and I'd do anything she wanted.

"This one time, we were on the jet, tired after a long case and she-" I sniffled. "She started blasting music, and she danced. She said we deserved to have a little fun for doing so good on the field. Peyton made us all dance, and so there we were. On the jet, dancing our hearts out at 4 in the morning. All our worries simply, just, disappeared." Laughing softly, I continued, "She was the light in our darkness and I'll never forget the memories I've shared with her and the team."

Looking over at JJ, I concluded, "I love you guys, and I love you Peyton." Everyone clapped, and I snapped back into reality. Suddenly freezing in realization. This was it. They were going to bury her now.  My stomach had this strange pit and I knew what was going to happen next. I lost all control when this happened. Oh god, I can't be here for this.

Rushing off the stage, I ran off towards Emily's car, since she drove me here. After last night's call, we'd gotten even closer. If that was possible.

My head was pounding now and I gripped my hair so tight, I was sure I would pull some out. "No, no, no, no." I paced around, mumbling words without thinking.

"Please no." I begged to no one in general. This was happening again, at her funeral. Where anyone could see me. I had to say it. At least, then my headache would go away, even if it was just for a bit. Come on, just say it!

I screamed out in pure agony before the words slipped from my mouth like poison. "I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to hurt anyone. I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry that you gave me everything, and I just ended up betraying you. I don't have a choice. I can't fix this, I can't make it right. Everything I had with you, it was completely real. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt-"

"Spencer?" A voice interrupted me, and I stopped rocking momentarily.

Emily ran towards me, quickly wrapping her arms around me when I collapsed to the ground.

"I can't stop! Please, I don't want to do this." I cried, wrapping my hand around her as I crumbled. I kept mumbling the words from the voicemail. They were etched into my brain.

Emily kept rubbing her hands in slow, gentle circles to provide comfort but I was still in that state of panic.

"Hey. Hey, look at me. You're okay. I'm right here, okay?" She tried to calm me down. My eyes snapped to hers as I regained control of my laboured breathing. It seemed as if that dark cloud slowly moved away, and I was back in this setting. Back at her funeral.

After a few minutes of sitting in silence, Emily spoke, "Why- why didn't you tell me that you were having panic attacks?" She whispered.

I started rocking again, back and forth in her arms. "Saying it makes the headaches go away." I muttered just as quietly. I felt so vulnerable, so broken right now.

"She loved me, didn't she? She couldn't leave me. How could they do that to her?" I sobbed more.

"Who?" Emily questioned.

"There was someone else in that helicopter with her."

Emily's eyes widened as she realized what I was implying. "You think... you think she was pushed?"

I looked up, seeing how red rimmed her eyes were. I don't think she was sleeping either.

"No, I know she was."