I stare at the ceiling with a blurred vision. My body is trembling, and my hands are holding tight onto a stuffed animal. Hot, wet tears are streaming down my cheeks, staining my pillow.
Pathetic.
My phone rings. I can't get myself to move so I just close my eyes, trying to ignore the blaring noise.
Selfish.
After some time, I open my eyes again. I can feel the tears dry on my cheeks and my vision is sharp again. Slowly I turn to my left side, unplugging my phone and turning the screen on.
6.23 pm
9 missed calls, 17 new messages.
I sigh. Guilt washes over me as soon as I unlock my phone and I start to read the messages.
I'm here -send 4.26 pm
You're not here yet? -send 4.36 pm
Hey, where are you? -send 4.41 pm
Are you coming? -send 4.56 pm
You okay? -send 5.08 pm
Where tf are you?! -send 5.23 pm
Seriously?! -send 5.31 pm
You're just gonna ignore me? Like always?! -send 5.31 pm
Answer me!! -send 5.48 pm
You're doing it again... -send 5.53 pm
just answer me ffs! -send 5.59 pm
You could've just told me you don't want to come -send 6.12 pm
I'm sorry for whatever I did to you that you're ignoring me -send 6.12 pm
Just please tell me, what did I do wrong? Am I such an annoying person? -send 6.12 pm
Do you hate me that much? -send 6.12 pm
I am sorry -send 6.13 pm
I'll stop bothering you now. You clearly don't want to talk to me -send 6.21 pm
I groan frustrated and guiltily while tears start to fall, again.
It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry that I hurt you.
I don't deserve you.
I'm sorry.
You read them, why are you not answering?! -send 6.27 pm
I just can't.
I'm so sorry.
I can't do this anymore. I really love you and I really WANT to help you but you're just hurting me so I'm sorry, but I have to be selfish for once. It's not healthy to always give but never receive anything.
I hope you get better and please don't feel guilty. I don't regret loving you I just wish I could've met you earlier and made you happy and it wouldn't be like this right now and I wouldn't have to leave you, though you probably don't even care.
I love you -send 6.31 pm
I throw my phone away, not caring if it breaks. My heart aches and my breath hitches.
I love you too, it's all my fault.
Why do I keep pushing everyone away?
I start to panic. I curl up in a ball and hug myself, tears still falling.
Don't leave me, please don't leave.
I feel empty. Everything hurts but at the same time I feel numb.
I deserve this. I keep on hurting everyone. It's my fault.
The thoughts race through my mind and I can't breathe anymore. I'm in the middle of a panic attack. My whole body starts to shiver, and I let out short cries, trying to get rid of the weight on my chest, suffocating me and smashing my heart.
It hurts! Why does it hurt so much?
My cries aren't quiet anymore. I scream and pull at my hair, forcing air in and out of my lungs. The pain in my body seems to get even worse and I'm exhausted. I hold on tight on myself, so hard it starts to hurt but I don't care. At least now my mind focuses on the pain in my legs, caused by my nails which are digging deep into my flesh. The skin tears apart and blood stains my bed sheets.
That's when it hits me.
I'm alone. No one sees me. No one hears me. No one loves me.
My body goes limp. My breathing calms down. I'm tired but I force myself to sit up.
I immediately feel dizzy. Black dots are dancing in front of me and I slam my eyes shut.
After a minute I stand up and stumble towards my bathroom, feeling weak and broken.
Scared of more negative thoughts flooding my mind, I keep my head hanging low to avoid looking in the mirror but it's not working, on the contrary, I feel even worse than before.
Disgusted and annoyed by my own behavior, I force myself to look up and I start to cry, again.
Ugly. Pathetic.
I keep crying and crying quietly, while I turn away, take off my clothes and step into the shower. The water pouring down on me hides my tears and the pain in my limbs fades a bit only to push my aching heart and chest back into the focus.
I finish the shower, dry my hair, and clean my wounds to put on clean and comfy sweats.
Exhausted from the panic attack I had earlier and from all the crying I pass out as soon as my aching body meets the mattress.
