Summer's End

The first guiding principle of recovery is acceptance.

But acceptance is a loaded word. As a recovering addict or substance abuser, acceptance may be accepting when you have a problem. But what is acceptance for the people around them?

For me, acceptance began when my boyfriend left for rehab. We'd only been dating for a few months, and while I wasn't a stranger to his previous substance abuse issues, me and my ignorance to addiction thought everything was better. We all did. So when he boarded that plane and left for rehab, he took parts of me with him. The parts that made my life simple and normal.

"Taylor, where's your boyfriend?"

I didn't know what to say to people. I was so wrapped up in what people would think about where he was and what he was doing, all while desperate to maintain my sense of normalcy at work and my social life. I spent my birthday alone that summer. I had two weddings to go to that I had to find excuses as to why I showed up by myself.

I didn't want to appear selfish, like how could I feel any type of way while my boyfriend is the one struggling? I clutched onto my cell phone as if it was the only source of the air I breathed, for fear of missing a scheduled call from him. There were times I cried alone in my office, then went back to work like everything was fine. Anxiety plagued me with questions. What if he didn't come back? What would people think of me?

I finally broke down in the cereal aisle at the grocery store, and that was my next lesson in acceptance. It comes when you don't expect it, unrelenting and in between Cheerios and Chex.

My mother said it was like deja vu, when my father was struggling with alcoholism and she felt the things I felt. I always knew I was like my mother, but this was another level. After letting it all out, it was like a fog had lifted. The uncertainness and the anxiety didn't go away, but it felt more like a ship on the horizon that I could see from afar rather than violent waves crashing on my shore. I had to be willing to talk about what was going on and how I was feeling, and finally accept it. I had to own not only my struggles, but my boyfriend's.

I eventually went to a few support groups for partners and spouses of recovering addicts. Simply feeling like I wasn't truly alone. Sure enough, 60 days passed, even though it seemed like a lifetime, but I felt ready. I felt brave.

By summer's end, just as the August heat began to break and tans began to fade, he came back. I had accepted my new role. I was a support system, but I also had a support system. I started writing about my experiences, and I take an unparalleled level of pride in educating people about the stigmas attached to mental health and addiction.

Practicing acceptance has given me a life I could only wish for. On October 23rd 2020, we became each other's support systems for life.

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if you or someone you know is struggling with addiction and substance abuse, please reach out to the SAMHSA national helpline, available 24/7 at 1-800-662-HELP (4375)