across - NCT NA JAEMIN FF

fifteen

"Bad night?" he asks me.

My face naturally heats up. "Is it that obvious?"

He glances at my face for a moment. "Yes," he says straightforwardly. "Did you not get any sleep?"

I lower my head. "I just couldn't. I'm really scared Jaemin," I admit honestly.

We reach our platform and he pulls me to the side using my bag. He stands in front of me and takes my shoulders, forcing me to meet his gaze.

"He is not touching you ever again, you got that?" he says in a serious tone, but his eyes are anything but. I find comfort in their sincerity and calm.

I am also shocked though, so I don't get a chance to reply. He too seems to realize what he just did and retracts his arms. The sound of the arriving train pulls us both back to reality and without another word, we walk to the train. We stay quiet for the rest of the trip, but he doesn't leave my side.

"I'm gonna have to get used to seeing the two of you together," Beomgyu says when we reach him at the entrance of the school. He hi-fives Jaemin and then hugs me tightly.

He doesn't say anything, but I instantly feel emotional as I return the hug.

"Stop, I'm gonna start crying before class," I whine when I try to pull away but he holds on.

"No more secrets. Okay?" he says quietly.

"Beom–"

"Promise?"

I sigh and nod. "I promise."

—

"Why did you bring so much food?" I ask as I eye all the different side dishes he prepared today.

"I was in the mood to cook," he replies.

I raise an eyebrow skeptically and he ignores me.

"So...how are you and Jaemin hyung?" His voice comes out very soft.

"Okay," I respond shortly, but I'm only half-listening now. My mind is where my eyes are and my eyes are on the clock.

"Yun?"

I hum absentmindedly, stuck on the inevitable movement of time.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Beomgyu's voice is laced with worry as he places a hand on my shoulder.

I look down, shut my eyes, and clench my fists. "I'm so scared." My voice quivers involuntarily and my breathing becomes ragged as images of the room come to my mind.

"Yun, look at me," Beomgyu says calmly.

I turn slowly to meet his gaze and his smile instantly starts to relax the tense feeling in my body.

His hand moves to mine and he squeezes it comfortingly. I stare at the act and I adjust the position of my hand so it intertwines with his.

This makes me recall all the comfort that people I love have offered to me when I was in need, and therefore realize that maybe...maybe I am not alone in this.

When my parents died for instance, I wanted to be alone. I locked myself in my room all day and night, in spite of my brothers' pestering to eat. The boys tried too, but no one was successful. I was distraught and although it was winter break, I stayed cooped up and unmoving.

I would go out though, at 3 am every night, just for some water and maybe food. After losing so much fluid from crying throughout the day, my body would feel weak and my lips would be chapped enough for even me to realize I needed to hydrate myself.

I didn't know if my brothers knew, but if they did they were kind enough to let me be.

One night was different. I was already numb and exhausted and needed some air so I left the apartment. I was so shocked to find Jaemin outside his own door, curled up and sobbing. I was so taken aback, and slightly worried because I have a heart. But our relationship was bad even back then, so I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

He didn't seem to care I was there, and I didn't know if he knew it was me. Before I could figure out what I was supposed to do, another door in the hallway opened up.

To my right, the new neighbour, a friend of my brothers from work came into sight and he spotted us immediately. Instead of looking confused, he seemed to understand what was going on and started to walk over.

He offered me a small smile and another surge of emotion reached my eyes. He wrapped his arms around me gently and although we weren't that close, it helped. Slightly.

"Jaemin's grandmother passed away the other night," he whispered.

I pulled away and looked down at the crying boy with sympathy for the first time. But I didn't know what to do.

Yoongi oppa lowered himself and put a hand on Jaemin's shoulder. "Let's go?" He looked up at me and asked the same question.

"Where?" I sniffed.

"Nowhere in particular."

Five minutes later the three of us were in his pickup, driving. I didn't know what destination he had in mind, but we kept moving. I don't know how much later it was, but eventually we were out of the city. When the sky began lighting up, we were driving through beautiful stretches of untouched land. The windows were down and the cold air slowly reminded me that there was more to feeling than sadness.

The entire trip was silent and we eventually came to a stop at a gas station for a toilet break. I stepped out of the car and inhaled the cool air. I watched the horizon and rays of sunlight began outlining the ridges of the faraway mountains.

I didn't notice when the boys returned from the bathroom, but none of us got back in the car.

Again, not one word was uttered but I felt better. Slightly. But maybe slightly was what I needed, and slightly was a start.

"I lost a friend once long ago. I was devastated. He was like my brother, and it felt like the end of the world." I watched him as he spoke. "Two weeks later nothing changed. I stayed in my room, got warnings from where I worked that if I didn't show up I'd be suspended, but nothing mattered because he was gone.

"One early morning my dad woke me up drove me out of the city. He didn't say anything and we just kept moving. I was in too much pain to really care, but then he stopped and I saw that the sun was starting to rise. Only moments before that it was all a dark expanse, and then suddenly, just like this, it was a splash of colours.

"I felt better. Just hopeful you know? I always thought of endings as a bad thing, but maybe they don't have to be because they make way for new beginnings.

"But of course that doesn't mean that I didn't still hurt." He glances at us two. "I just...it made me feel hopeful knowing that there is an after. There's always gonna be an 'and then', even when we're gone. Time isn't gonna stop for anyone and I know I don't wanna spend the time I have being dreadful for people who wouldn't want me to be. I didn't stop grieving, but I didn't let it take over my life; make me lose my job and tear up my relationships. I knew he wouldn't want that."

I turn back to the view and the sun is almost visible.

"Life sucks," Jaemin mumbles.

I sigh. "If it didn't then would we know what it means for it to not suck?"

The twelve year old me didn't really know what that meant until that moment. I always heard my brother Namjoon say that to the rest of us whenever we'd say something like that, but only then did it make sense.

"Well your brother seems to be rubbing off on you," Yoongi smiled.

I glanced briefly at Jaemin who I was not expecting to be looking at me. His expression was unreadable but unlike what I was used to coming from him, it wasn't harsh.

But that changed nothing. We went back home, and Yoongi seemed to have messaged my brothers because they weren't surprised to see me enter through the door while they ate breakfast.

I was always grateful to Yoongi oppa for that, I always will be. But that memory didn't just stick because of him. It was also because of Jaemin, and how that day I realized why I actually hated him.