THE CIVIL WAR: THE TRUE STORY BOOK 2

Robert E. Lee: The Father

By Earl Starbuck on Apr 28, 2021

Continued from Part I ( Robert E. Lee: The Believer)

"He [Lee] was a superb specimen of manly grace and elegance...There was about him a stately dignity, calm poise, absolute self-possession, entire absence of self-consciousness, and gracious consideration for all about him that made a combination of character not to be surpassed...His devotion to his invalid wife, who for many years was a martyr to rheumatic gout, was pathetic to see...His tenderness to his children, especially his daughters, was mingled with a delicate courtesy which belonged to an older day than ours – a courtesy which recalls the preux chevalier of knightlier times."[1] – Margaret J. Preston
On 30 June, 1831, Robert E. Lee married Mary Anna Randolph Custis, the great-granddaughter of George and Martha Washington.[2] They had seven children: George Washington Custis Lee, Mary Custis Lee, William Henry Fitzhugh Lee, Anne Carter Lee, Eleanor Agnes Lee, Robert E. Lee Jr., and Mildred Childe Lee. Like all children, the Lees had nicknames. Custis was "Boo," Mary was "Mee," W.H.F. was "Rooney," Anne was "Annie," Eleanor was Agnes or "Wiggy," R.E. Lee the younger was "Rob," and Mildred was "Precious Life."[3]

When Lee was still a young man and Custis was still a little boy, Lee returned home to Arlington from his post of duty for a Christmas visit and decided to go for stroll. He heard a crunching noise behind him, turned, and saw little Custis carefully placing his feet into the holes Lee's boots had left in the snow. Given the difference in their height, this took all of young Custis's attention and effort. According to Lee, this left an indelible impression upon his mind: "I learned a lesson then and there which I never afterwards forgot. 'My good man,' I said to myself, 'you must be careful how you walk and where you go, for there are those following after you who will set their feet where yours are set.'"[4] When he was home, Lee loved to play with his children and read to them. The best English classics were always nearby, and he read them Sir Walter Scott's novels so often that they knew them by heart.[5]

Found among Lee's personal papers after his death was the following advice to himself: "Private and public life are subject to the same rules; and truth and manliness are two qualities that will carry you through this world much better than policy, or tact, or expediency, or any other word that was ever devised to conceal or mystify a deviation from a straight line."[6] Another note to himself read: "There is a true glory and a true honour: The glory of duty done – the honour of the integrity of principle."[7] A man who writes such notes for himself to meditate upon is unlikely to avoid sharing that wisdom with his offspring. Alas, the oft-quoted letter to Custis extolling the virtues of frankness, honesty, courage and duty is a forgery.[8] 

As a soldier, Lee was often called upon to try and raise his children via letter. From his post of duty out west, he wrote to Mrs. Lee on 5 June, 1839:

"You do not know how much I have missed you and the children, my dear Mary. To be alone in a crowd is very solitary. In the woods I feel sympathy with the trees and birds, in whose company I take delight, but experience no pleasure in a strange crowd. I hope you are all well and will continue so, and therefore must again urge you to be very prudent and careful of those dear children. If I could only get a squeeze at that little fellow turning up his sweet mouth to 'Keese baba!' You must not let them run wild in my absence, and will have to exercise firm authority over all of them. This will not require severity or even strictness, but constant attention and an unwavering course. Mildness and forbearance, tempered by firmness and judgment, will strengthen their affection for you, while it will maintain your control over them."[9]
In a letter from about the same time, Lee wrote: "Oh, what pleasure I lose in being separated from my children! Nothing can compensate me for that!"[10] He later counselled Rooney:

"I cannot go to bed, my dear son, without writing a few lines...You and Custis must take great care of your kind mother and dear sisters when your father is dead. To do that, you must learn to be good. Be true, kind, and generous, and pray earnestly to God to you to keep His Commandments 'and walk in the same all the days of your life.' I hope to come on soon and see that little baby you have got to show me. You must give her a kiss from me, and to all the children, and to your mother and grandmother."[11]
After the war, Lee chanced to see a group of children playing marbles. One of them, a boy, accused his opponent, a girl, of cheating. Her brother took offense to this, and the two lads resolved to settle their dispute through fisticuffs. The little girl tearfully begged the General to make them stop. Lee later told a friend of his efforts at peacemaking: "I argued, I remonstrated, I commanded; but they were like two young mastiffs, and never in all my military service had I to own myself so perfectly powerless. I retired beaten from the field and let the little fellows fight it out."[12] One can't help wondering if his own boys ever quarreled so fiercely and how their father tamed them.