It All Started with a Beanie

(15)

What's happening to me?

"After he cleaned off my face, I cleaned his. As I wiped off the flour, even though there wasn't much, it was the closest we had ever been. I turned away for a moment and when I turned back, his face was inches away from mine. He kept inching closer and I found myself doing the same. We almost kissed but Mrs. Shannon walked through the door."

"Wait, hold on." He stops me there. I look to him, a range of emotions on his face. "You almost kissed Neil and you act as if it was normal."

"I mean we didn't kiss. It's not like he wanted to. After, he acted like he was uncomfortable around me." He nods, taking in this new information. "I went to his bathroom and took a quick shower and when I was wrapped in a towel, I guess I left his bedroom door slightly open because when I looked in the mirror I saw him looking at me. I didn't give him enough time to talk and quickly shut the door. I waited until I knew he was gone to change into the clothes he had brought me and then left as soon as I could."

"You didn't let him talk?"

"No. He did want me to open the door so we could talk but I didn't."

"Why not?"

"Because..." To be honest, I didn't have a good enough answer. "...I didn't want a repeat of what happened last time someone saw me without my beanie on."

"I don't know what happened to you last time and you don't have to tell me. But you should let Neil speak his piece. He might not react the way you think he will." I face Ollie. He grabs my hands and holds them with his. "You obviously have some trauma with why you won't show yourself without your beanie but you are going to find the people who will accept you. And I think you might have already found those people." 

As I am about to respond, Jordan, Ollie's little sister walks up to us. 

"Is it time to go?" Ollie asks and Jordan nods. He looks back to me. "Think about what I said." I nod and he walks off with his little sister, leaving me to my thoughts.

I sat in the same spot for the next hour or so. The sun slowly started to set and the street lamps lit up the area with an orange glow. 

I didn't turn my phone back on. I didn't talk to anyone else. I just sat and watched as the kids played and waved goodbye to their friends when their parents said it was time to go.

"I wish my childhood could have been like this." I whisper to myself, sadness overcoming me. 

"Beanie?" I didn't recognize who he was by looks when I turned around, the orange street lamp didn't allow me to see his face, but I quickly recognized his voice. I go to get up put he quickly stops me, walking around to the front side of the bench. "Please don't. I just want to talk." 

I watch as he sits down, his eyes looking into mine. I sit as far away from him as possible. He looks sad at my actions but accepts it. 

"When you didn't come back into the kitchen, I went looking for you. Mum said you needed to leave but I figured that wasn't the case." He stops looking at me and looks at the few kids left on the playground. His arms are crossed over his chest, like mine. He sits with his back straight, with confidence.

"I couldn't stay." I say, in a whisper-like tone. 

"Why not?" He still doesn't look to me.

"I don't know. I just couldn't." I say, looking away from him. I feel his eyes on my skin but I don't turn to him; I don't want to know his expression. I watch as the last few kids leave the park with their parents.

"Beanie, look at me, please." I don't comply to his request. I feel his warm skin on mine and feel my face being turned to his. I look through my glossy eyes into his pleading ones. An orange tint was on his face, but I could still make out the mesmerizing green color his eyes were. 

I never expected him to say this next: "I'm sorry." My eyes widen, his hand still gently on my chin.

"Wh-why?" I stutter my words, my voice hoarse, tears beginning to fall down my face.

Why are you crying? Stop it.

I go to wipe my face but he grabs my hand, setting it in my lap. He gently wipes his thumbs across my cheeks, clearing the tears for me.

I quickly react, wrapping my arms around him. He doesn't immediately hug back but he realizes my actions and wraps his arms around me. I've now faced my body to him, my legs on the bench. 

For a minute or so, that's how we sit. My arms tightly wrapped around his neck and his arms around my waist, not too tight.

I pull back, looking up and wiping my tears. A look of concern washes over his face, searching my face. I notice his shirt his damp now.

"I got your shirt wet." He chuckles, shaking his head.

"It's okay." He waits to speak again until I've stopped crying. "Why were you crying?"

"I'm not entirely sure." I sigh looking down to my hands, to the band aid on my finger. "I guess I was just scared you'd leave me after seeing. That's what has happened in the past and I just don't want a repeat."

I gasp slightly when he grabs my hands, interlocking them with his. 

"I'm not going to leave you, Beanie. I want to know you, the real you. And if I have to wait years to know why you wear a beanie, that's fine with me. I'm not going anywhere."

I smile at his words. A smile sits on his lips, a genuine one.

And for once, I believe someone when they tell me they won't leave me.