Is there someone else?

I see you

Where do we go?

What happens to us when all the lights go out, when everything goes cold?

I simply cannot accept that we are nothing.
That we simply cease to exist.
Hell I can't even imagine it nevermind accept it!

How can a person shine for so long, think, love and live life to a full they have crafted in their own mind then nothing...

I believe in souls, something greater and grander than life itself, that we are somewhere, we are us.

I understand before we are made we do not exist, but after? If it is only our body that has stopped working then how is it that we do too?

I have to believe it, I have no other choice. To think that he doesn't shine somewhere, as he always has, fills me with an ache, like a drill through the heart. Nothing has ever hurt like this.
It is physically painful to think about yet I cannot stop, I can barely breathe with it.

Love and loss.
They come together, a two for one deal that you simply cannot resist.

We endure what is unbearable and we bear it, that is all.
The kids can't do it on their own, I have to be there, I have to give them something to stand on, their strength, something sturdy that they can hold onto but I am like an old climbing frame, hollow inside, only a structure remains and even that is rusting.

I sit on the end seat in the row and stare at the man across from me grotesquely hanging from a cross because I can not look at anyone else.

I can faintly hear the priest talking in the background of my deafeningly silent thoughts and I hate every word that comes out of his mouth.

You didn't know him, not in the slightest. You had never even met and here you are telling his family what a great man he was.

Funerals suddenly made me feel sick.
I wished I could do it all myself.

Finally it was my turn to talk and with a quick glance to my right at our children I remembered what I had forgotten these past few days

Kyle looked very stern, looking straight ahead, his eyes slightly diluted and rimmed with red, he always had to be so strong, had to be exactly like his father yet it was when he let his guard down that he was identical to him, they looked so much alike it scared me and before I broke down again I quickly patted his hand and got to my feet towards the podium.

Stepping up I realised just how many people had came, he was a well loved man, with the kindest heart I will ever know, I know he is alive somewhere because I can feel him, he is with me, always has every step of the way and even now as I stand up here there he is, I close my eyes taking a deep breath and let it out into the silent room

When I open my eyes all I see is him, sitting in one of the middle rows on the left hand side in a crisp black suit, his hair is messy, his eyes shimmering even in the dull empty church and he gives me a smile that tells me how much he loves me and I return it

"Jace" I whisper

His smile grows and he crosses one arm over the other

"Y'know we don't have a lot of time Clarissa" he mocks me checking his silver wrist watch

"We have to be at the cemetery by eleven thirty" he nods smirking at me and I feel myself begin to cry

"I miss you" I tell him quietly and his smile fades a moment

"I miss you too clary" he smiles sadly at me and it is now that I decide to tell him everything, before it's too late and he is placed in the cold ground, Alone.

"I miss your smile, and your laugh, i miss being made fun of every ten minutes and refolding your shirts because your hopeless. I miss your smell and being woken up twenty minutes early by your annoying alarm." I laugh and he chuckles

My voice breaks
"But most of all i miss waking up next to you, your hugs and kisses and calling you for help when im too short for something. I miss all of you, every single piece and I will never be ready to let you go."
I'm barely holding it together as I breathe in

"It saddens me that you have never seen yourself, the way I see you. you've never seen the way your eyes light up when you talk about something you love or how handsome you are when you really smile, you didn't see your face when you held the twins for the first time and the world was so quiet It was as if it was holding its breath. I am so glad, I am so glad I was there to tell you what I saw." My face was a mess, I dabbed at it occasionally with tissues but it didn't do any good

"Because you are truely, magnificent" I whispered into the room and he held so much love in the look he was giving me, he was physically speechless and looked as if he were about to cry.

I had his face memorised in my mind, I had everything memorised and just as I shut my eyes against him I heard him whisper softly

"I love you so much..."

Before they opened to friends and family patiently waiting for a speech.

So that happened.
Jace died guys.
How? You decide, but that's life unfortunately, it can be over in a second.

The kids are in their teens by the way just so you know and there was a few movie, book references in there so I own none of those :)

Still to add the kettle story but I haven't really had a close family me member die recently so I hope this was Okay?