No strings attached

Pt.24- No solution.

"I said something I shouldn't have."

"Oh, well. It must've not been that big of a deal because I can't remember."

Y-yokozawa didn't remember what he'd said, or done to him. This is exactly why he didn't like fucking people who were drunk. The morning after was always patchy and awkward. But it actually worked out fine for him this time, if Yokozawa didn't remember, then this would be easy.

"I'm not so sure about that." Kirishima replied, his eyes hardening as he locked eyes with the younger. "What I'm saying is- I want to take a break."

"You want to take a break? Was the sex bad?"

"N-no! Of course not. I enjoy every encounter I have with you, but that's not what I'm referring to. I need some time away from you to think about things."

"I see." The gray eyed man nodded, his brow furrowed. What had happened last night? He wasn't hungover, yet for whatever reason, last night's events were stormy and not coming back to him. He rested a hand against his forehead and sighed wearily. "Ok."

"Ok?"

"I need to think about some things as well."

That made his stomach sink. For once he wanted to know what was on the others mind. What was he going to think about?

"Here's your pay." He pulled out his checkbook and a pen, going to write a number down but hesitated. He didn't know when he'd see Yokozawa again, so he'd give him more than usual. "Just because we're taking a break doesn't mean I won't still pay you."

He settled on a price and ripped the check out, handing it to the gray eyed man.

"W-why so much?"

"I don't know when I'll be seeing you again so I want you to have money for whatever you need."

"If we're taking a break does this mean I can go back to work?"

"I would prefer if you didn't." Kirishima replied. He hadn't thought about that. If they were taking a break, then he couldn't hold Takafumi to his conditions anymore. He was free to do and see whoever he wanted now. "B-but I can't stop you so do what you want."

"Noted."

"Take care." With that, he left.

Yokozawa stood in the middle of his living room, a confused look etched on his face. He stared at the ground for a bit, trying to desperately retrieve any memories of their interactions but nothing resurfaced. He wrapped his arms around himself and sighed.

I should probably get cleaned up. He thought, going to his restroom and drawing a hot bath. Wasting no time, he quickly undressed and stepped in, allowing his body to slowly sink into the hot water. Once he was submerged, he released a small groan.

His muscles were sore.

Now that he thought about it- everything hurt.

There was a pounding sensation in his head, drumming against his skull. The feeling was so annoying. It was like a ticking in his head. It resembled a clock. Each second that ticked by grew more excruciating. He gripped his head with both hands and winced.

To add insult to injury, on top of this irritating headache, his stomach felt queasy.

Empty.

He knew he wasn't sick. He didn't get sick, but he still felt weird, anxious. There was this feeling of sadness that had washed over him, draping and enveloping him in a thick blanket of depression. The thin tendrils snaking up his body and constricting him, making him unravel from the inside out.

What had happened last night?!

A blurred image of the elder looming over him entered his mind. His mouth was moving, he'd said something to him...he just couldn't remember what. But he knew he'd said something back. Had he said something inappropriate to Kirishima?

A look of horror crossed his face. In the midst of ecstasy he'd told the other that he liked his dick. What type of response was that?! Is that why the older man was mad?

Humiliation seeped in.

I really am pathetic. He looked up at the ceiling and laughed. Laughed at himself for being so fucking stupid, but this time was different. Usually he laughed to stop himself from acting too sentimental, this time, tears trickled down his cheeks. He didn't care about how bad he probably looked. He just continued finding humor in all of this as he cried.

Once an hour had passed, he regained composure and finished washing up. No remnants of his breakdown noticable aside from the fact his eyes were a bit puffy. It appeared as if he was completely fine.

He got dressed, putting on a pair of black jeans and a dark blue hoodie. Now that him and Kirishima were taking a break, he could do whatever he wanted. He had acquired a lot of money from the older man so he should be happy, right?

That's why he'd done all of this. For the money. He wouldn't have allowed anyone to use him for free. If that was the reason, then why was he not happy with himself? Why'd he feel even more disgusting right now than when he was a prostitute? No matter how many times he showered, he couldn't rid himself of the filth.

Maybe because the filth wasn't on the surface. Perhaps it was skin deep.

He was filthy. Dirty.

No amount of washing could clean him because he was tainted.

Used.

And knowing this made him want to take it all back. Was he really going to taint another mans life simply for money? Because this is all he knew?

No.

Kirishima deserved better than him. He was positive that the elder could find somebody nice, somebody who actually had their life together. Somebody he could show off and not be embarrassed about and he knew he wasn't that person.

But while he knew this, something inside of him didn't fully want to come to terms with it. This was all Kirishima's fault for treating him so kindly. If he hadn't been so nice, so caring, then none of this would be happening right now. This was his punishment for allowing himself to think anyone would want anything to do with him.

They were fuck buddies.

They were with each other for convenience.

Kirishima was with him because he was easy, and he was with Kirishima because.....

Because he had money.

That was the agreement.

As he tried convincing himself that was the case, he couldn't help but question it. Surely that had been what brought them together in the beginning, but now? He wasn't so sure. Things were so much simpler before this man entered his life.

At least before, he knew where he stood. Now he wasn't sure what was going on.

He hated it.

He hated whatever this feeling was.

It felt like losing. It felt like giving up before even trying.

No.

It was more like being told no by someone before you even get your question out. That upsetting, nagging feeling that just won't leave you alone until you figure out why not getting your way has you so crestfallen.

This is what he needed to figure out.

What did he want?