If You Need Me

Ch. 1: I Really Don't Want to Know

"Oh how many arms have held you. And hated to let you go. How many, oh how many, I wonder. But I really don't want, I don't want to know. Oh how many lips have kissed you. And set, set your soul aglow, yes they did. How many, oh how many, I wonder, yes, I do. But I really don't want to know. So always make, make me wonder. And always make, make me guess." - Solomon Burke

* * * 

Peter didn't sleep that night. He couldn't. How could he? He'd spent months planning and planning for your anniversary. He'd talked with all your friends and even your mom about what kind of things you'd like and he'd planned it all out perfectly.

This was his first anniversary too. He'd never made it this long with anyone else, and he was excited to show you just how much you meant to him and how excited he was at the prospect of your future together.

It was supposed to be this big event and day for the two of you to share together, and Peter had planned it out in just the way you liked it. Everything would be subtle, but meaningful, and nothing would be too big or fancy.

And he'd blown it.

All because of Cindy.

In his defense though, Peter of course had no idea any of this would happen. In his wildest dreams - and some of his dreams were particularly wild - he'd never imagined that one day he would see Cindy Moon again. He figured he'd have to die first for that to happen.

And yet here she was.

He'd forgotten the sound of her voice and the inflection of how she spoke. He'd forgotten that her nose wrinkled the way it did when she smiled and that she would blink multiple times when listening to someone else talk that was boring her. And he'd forgotten what it felt like to hold her hand in his.

It was like the first breath of spring after a particularly long winter when he reconnected with her and held her in his arms. It felt like coming home, and like a part of him that had been torn away had finally healed.

And it scared him.

In the years since Cindy's death, Peter had been able to build himself to be self-sufficient. He'd learned now to lean on others for anything and he'd become an independent and proud individual. Even when it came to his relationship with you, Peter didn't depend on you for anything. He was his own man and he was grateful for you in every way imaginable. His relationship with you was the perfect balance of you trusting him to do his job while also checking in with him whenever he pushed himself a little too far.

So maybe that's where Peter was dependent on you. You told him when to take a break, or when he was working too hard, or when he needed to take some time for himself. He'd become dependent on knowing that you loved him and that you'd always be there for him, but that wasn't something he had to work hard for. It was natural. But it was a luxury.

When it came to Cindy, Peter had always felt like he wasn't fully in control. His love for her burned in a way that felt too hot and like the end of a candle burning brightly in the hopes it would be remembered even when it ended. It was an odd obsession he couldn't quite place, and yet when he was younger he hadn't cared.

Now he did.

Peter knew you had class that morning and so he didn't try to bother you or pop in. He didn't want to start anything early in the morning before you had a full day. And just from the look on Thandie's face Peter could tell that you were disappointed in him. He'd messed up your anniversary. He'd made a huge mistake.

He'd ruined everything.

The worst part for him was that he knew you would somehow be understanding. He knew that when the two of you finally did talk that you would say it was okay and you would ask him how he was doing and how he was feeling. You'd be supportive and you'd help him through whatever he needed and you wouldn't blame him. You'd somehow find a way to blame yourself for not being there for him more, even though you'd literally done more than you ever could have needed to.