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Is This Vanity?

Another poem I wrote for my creative writing course, written in Tanka form. Apparently, I'm really bad at writing things that aren't abstract. This one is an excerpt of Thea's thoughts from my novel Thea's Wolves.

Is this Vanity
my superiority?
I put myself on
A pedestal. I'm above
The redwood trees.

It is a disguise,
A mist-like veil to hide my
Insecurity.
But will Vanity deceive
Even me? Self-destruction.

Is this Vanity?
I perceive he does love me.
Why would he love me?
Insecurity makes the
Branches sway unsteadily.

Vanity warps my
Perception but perception
Is how we can see.
I Self-destruct out of fear--
Fear of my own vanity.

I see the tender
Warmth in Tupelo honey eyes.
How could Vanity
Deceive me to believe that
I could find myself worthy?

Is this Vanity?
I want to be loved by him.
Do I deserve it?
Vanity—Self-destruction?
I do not know which will win.

I can't look at him.
Could I be enough for him?
Above the redwoods
Is on top of the world
But also a long way down.

Vanity puts me
Above the redwood trees, but
Up this high, I
Am blown from my perch by his
Breath on my skin. I shudder.

Yes, I see it now.
Vanity, Self-destruction,
They are just the same.
Vanity leads up, up, up.
Destruction goes tumbling down.

The former is a
Catalyst for the latter.
I rise with the heat
Of his blush, fall again with
The honesty in his gaze.

Will his love be worth
The climb? Will it be worth the
Inevitable
Fall? I do not know but those
Honey eyes are convincing.

Written February 2021