Joan Undone

Chapter 46

"No, Justus. He's dead because of Crew, and because he didn't believe his life was worth much, to himself or anyone else."

"I'm so sorry," Justus says, and he finally looks up at me, his cheeks wet.

"I'm not sorry," I admit. "God help me, but I am so glad you're alive, Justus."

Even though it's true, I don't say that I wish it had been me who died in his place. Then both of the men I love would have survived, and I wouldn't have to live with the guilt and grief and the great, gaping hole that Nic left in my heart. He died never knowing that I loved him back.

Justus never needs to hear those things. It's a burden I'd rather carry alone.

~ ~ ~

I stay with Justus until he falls asleep in his cot and then make my way to the bunk I shared with Nic. The pillow still smells like the shampoo he used.

I wait for tears, for release, but they stay locked up in my chest. My fingers brush against something hard, and I pull out the vial of Amp I left for Nic to find. Even in the dim light, I can see that it's still full.

I sit up straight, my mind trying to grasp the implications. Something is taped to the vial. It's a mini-flash, a drive that is used to share data between tablets or phones that is too sensitive to send over the internet.

I nearly trip over my own feet in my hurry to load it onto one of the big tablets in the main room. Nic's face appears on the screen, and I whimper at the sight of those earnest eyes. Behind him, I see the bathroom of the Bunker. He made this less than a day ago. I'm struck by the illogical sense that there should be a way to reach into this vid and bring him back.

He speaks, and I nearly jump out of my skin. "I know that watching this is weird for you, because I'm gone. But please listen to it anyway. I need you to."

Nausea cripples me as I remember the promise I broke, to keep this man alive.

"Do you remember when we were rehearsing that God-awful promotional vid for Strand, and I was going through my Amp withdrawal? I puked my guts out in the bathroom, and you followed me in. I was ready for you to berate me or lecture me or mock my pain. Instead, you held back my hair and wiped the vomit off my face. You took care of me, without pitying me. No one ever did that for me in my entire life. After that day, I started really watching you, and I couldn't stop. The more I knew you, the more I loved you. But it was a greedy love, because I wanted all of you, even though I didn't deserve you."

Nic pauses, collecting himself. There is so much pain in his eyes, and I can't take it away now.

"A few nights ago, I saw you in the gym with Justus. You were telling him you loved him. I'm glad you do. You should be with someone like that. I'm hard on Justus not only because I'm jealous, but because I want him to be the man who deserves you, since I've always known that I can't be.

"My original plan was to save you, of course. To trade my life for Justus's to keep you from doing it. But when you made your safety an impossibility by going after Crew, I knew I still had to save the one you love. You might not live to see this message, but I'm not sorry that I saved Justus. It's what you want, and what you both deserve. I'm going to tell Crew that it was me who deleted his file, and that I saved his daughter's DNA. Once I know that Justus is safe, I'll give him some fake DNA. It won't fool him for long, but it will buy us enough time to get Justus to safety. After that...he'll kill me for all the promises I've broken. I know that.

"Don't feel guilty that I've chosen to trade my life for Justus's. I may not be high on Amp now, like you think I am, but eventually, I'd have fallen back into my old ways. I'd self-destruct, and probably hurt you along the way. At least this way, I get to die knowing that I'm doing something good, something that almost makes me worthy of your love.

"Think about me every now and then, and know that in this one thing, my motives were pure, made from my love for you."

The video winks out, and all the tears that were locked up inside me come pouring out. Pain, wordless and dark, suffocates me.

Nic is gone.

It's Mav who finds me when I'm at my lowest. At some point, he creeps into the Bunker and finds me curled up in front of a tablet watching Nic's message over and over.

"I'm sorry, Joan," Mav says, his voice small and scared.

I try to yank my disordered thoughts into line, and I immediately turn off the vid. "I'm okay."

"I'm sorry I got mad at you. Is that why you're crying? I didn't mean it!"

I shake my head no, but I can tell from his face that he doesn't believe me, possibly because my tears won't stop coming, no matter how hard I try to put myself back together.

"It's not you, Mav. I love you, and I've always known you love me, even when you're mad."

"Then what is it?"

"It's everything else."

If I say anything more, I'll lose it again. But this is Mav, so I don't have to. He curls into a little ball by my side.

"No one wants to tell me what happened yesterday, but I know it's something bad."

I squeeze him tighter. "It was."

Mav looks up at me. "Whatever happened, you're not going to give up. Because you and me are made out of the same stuff, and I'm never gonna stop fighting until we do enough good to make up for all the bad that has happened."

I stare at the little Buddha in the body of this boy I love so much. "Okay, Mav. I'll keep fighting as long as I've got you."