Ang musika ng nakakabinging rock music ang pinapatugtog ko sa loob ng kwarto. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi makahuma ang tibok ng puso ko at ang nararamdaman ko. Hinahayaan ang aking sarili na mabingi sa malakas na tugtog. Wala sa sariling tinitigan ko ang puting kisame ng aking kwarto. Ang malamig na buga ng aircon sa paligid ko kahit iyon ay hindi maalis ang init sa gilid ng mga mata ko. The euphoria of mixed emotions within me. It's wringing me in the neck. It's crushing me inside.
Pabalik-balik ang mga salitang binitawan niya sa akin. It's like I am the one who did a crime to him when he was the one who ripped me open. Giving me these broken pieces I tried to get back in hole.
I hate how my heart betrayed me, of the feelings that should be gone. I hate myself after what he did, I still missed him.
My heart was squeezing, bleeding, hurting, breaking, cracking, and what other words should best describe it. For five years, that's the reason why I keep running away, afraid that whatever I tried to forget him, to stop thinking of him, to put him in my past grave, I will always have the last tears, the last pain.
Walang kamalay-malay ako na bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto ko at biglang tumahimik ang paligid, someone stopped the music. The familiar perfume I sniffed in the air. The sweety candy smell.
"Why are you here, Sanna," I said in a tired voice.
Umupo siya sa gilid ng kama. Hindi ko siya nilingonan. I don't want to move, it felt comfortable staring at the white ceiling forever.
"For god sake, Lauren! I told you everything about myself, about my secret, I opened up to you but you never told me about your past! At lalo ang tungkol sa lalaking iyon! "sigaw niya na puno ng inis ang boses.
I smiled without thinking. Ito ba ang gagawin ni mama kung uuwi ako, sinisigawan niya ako sa inis, sa sama ng loob. Yes, I deserved it. Lauren deserved it.
"Para kang sira diyan na ngingiti, I'm not joking here, Lauren Lawran!" She was mad, very mad at me.
Ang kaninang luha na pinipigilan ko na huwag bumagsak ay kumawala na parang isang water falls. For almost five years I didn't cry, for he doesn't deserve my tears. But now, I couldn't take it. Baka sa sobrang puno na niyon ay kusa na iyon umapaw.
I cried. I cried like a baby still looking at the ceiling. Bakit nakita ko pa siya? Bakit? Ayoko siyang makita pa, makausap. Gusto ko lumimot. Bakit hindi ko magawa?
"You want to know everything, Sanna? He was my first love, he was my first in everything. I am madly in love with him. We are so perfect. Perfect enough to break my heart. Perfect enough to lie at my face. Perfect enough to cheat at my back. He was so perfect enough to break me into pieces," I said within my sobs.
Walang sagot agad na nakarating sa kaibigan ko. I can feel her eyes on me, and the shocked in her face.
"I...that was so horrible, Laur," she pitied me. I hate how her pity seeped within my bones like a tutore.
One of the reasons I ran away from home, from that place. I dislike the eyes of my family that are full of sorry and pity and the people who knew me. It's just a big slap that I rather die than face it.
"The day before our wedding, I saw him with the girl he loved for the first love. I saw him in her house, I saw him hug him, I saw them kissed. Hindi ko siya kayang patawarin, my world came crashing within me like this was not real but it was. So I went home, grabbed my things, packed and left. Anong ayaw ko? Ayaw ko ang katotoohanan, na akala ko he loved me enough but at the end, his heart will always belong to that girl, his first love!"
"That jerk! Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin, Laur. Anong dahilan?"
"Because it's too painful for me, Sanna. Should I laugh about it when I tell you how those memories eat me? It should leave that way as it should." I can't breathe properly, the second time I was like this when I was alone sa unang hotel saan ako nagstay pagkaalis ko sa lugar namin.
"I'm so sorry, pero nakausap mo ba ang iyong pamilya pagkatapos nang nangyari noon?"
I shook my head. it's been five years, at hindi ko magawa silang makaharap. Isa pa ay wala akong balak na harapin sila lalo pa ay ayokong maalala ang memories na naroroon sa lugar na iyon. At ayaw ko siyang makita pero bakit? Why life was so cruel to me at nagkita ulit kami?
Naramdaman ko ang pagyakap ni Sanna sa akin sa gitna ng kama, at lalo tuloy bumuhos ang luha sa aking mga mata.
****
Nakatitig ako sa namamaga kong mata, bloodshot eyes and the redness of my nose. It's been two days in my bed. I need to move out here. I hate the memories I created here. Sanna stayed with me like a mother. She always complained and forced me to eat even though I have no appetite.
Nagsipilyo ako ng ngipin pagkatapos kong maghilamos sa mukha. I can't hide my eyes. I threw up the waters in my mouth and flashed the sink with water from the faucet and turned it off. Just like that. I won't ever cry again. I swear it!
Don't swear Laur if you just eat it and swallow it. Ang sabi ng boses sa aking utak.
A scowled form in my face. This time I'll make it to happen! Lumabas ako sa loob ng banyo. Naka-ready na ang mga gamit ko. My heart leaped of thinking I am moving again.
The door of my room opened and it threw Sanna wearing a corporate attire. The crestfallen in her face showed something was wrong.
"Problema? "tanong ko, while brushing my hair in front of the mirror.
"Wala," ang sagot niya, but she's a terrible liar when her eyes were looking everywhere than me.
I put down my brush. I opened my make up pouch and applied concealer in my swollen eye bags.
"Sanna…" Tiningnan ko siya.
Umupo siya sa kama at tumingin sa akin na hindi ko mabasa ang expression sa kanyang mukha, takot, lungkot? Or the combination of two.
"Problema namin iyon, Laur. We could manage it," she smiled without reaching her eyes.
My heart skipped a beat. I remembered his words. "If you want to save your friend Laur…"
Lumingon ako sa gawi ni Sanna na pinepeke na maayos lang siya but no, she was nervous while looking at her phone.
"Your dad's company and your publishing house, Sanna…" She turned to face me with a horrified looked.
Magsisinungaling sana siya pero inunahan ko na siya. "Di ba tama ako? Stop pretending and lying to me sana." Hindi ko napigilan ang inis sa aking boses.
What are your games playing, Zevran!
Binaba niya ang hawak na phone sa kandungan, pilit na ngiti sa kanyang mukha. "Everything will be fine, just something—"
"How big was the debt of your father to him?" tanong ko sa kanya.
Iniwas niya ang tingin sa akin at tinuon ang tingin sa mga maleta ko sa paanan ng kama.
"May malaking pagkakautang ang aking ama kay Kent La Monte, I didn't know about it until the day his son showed up demanding my father owed. Then my father didn't think and offered me as a payment. As a marriage. Hindi siya ang nag-offer niyon kung hindi ang aking ama. Hindi talaga ako makapaniwala. My dad loved the company and he couldn't let it go. Seriously, he said that was the only way to save us in the junkyard, then Mr. La Monte said in order to save us was you," ang kwento niya sa akin. She sighed heavily.
Hindi ko alam ano ang sasabihin ko. Binalik ko ang tingin sa salamin.
"I'll find other ways to save the company. By the way, sanabi mo na ba kay Ranch ang tungkol sa paglilipat mo ng titirhan uli?"
Tumigil ako sa pag-apply ng foundation sa mukha ko. Ranch my one year boyfriend. Pinsan ni Sanna si Ranch at si Sanna ang nagpakilala sa lalaki sa akin. Sabi nila, one way of forgetting the past has started a new chapter of your life with a new person. Ranch was a prosecutor in the public attorneys office here in the city. Ranch was not that perfect, we were not that perfect. We have fights but we never had a hard fight that ended for a cool off. He understood me, he was caring but not that too much. But he was good and will never cheat behind my back. I started to like him and maybe I love him too.
Umiling ako. "I'll tell him once I move in," tugon ko, I put back my foundation in my pouch and quickly applied a matte nude lipstick.
"He never knew about your past, your ex?" she asked, eyeing me.
Umiling ako uli.
"Dapat sabihin mo siya sa bagay na iyon, Laur," she said , but she has never yet told Kevlin about her being pregnant.
"Don't say that to me unless you have done telling Kevlin," walang gana kong ani.
She raised her hands in the air. "You are right, this Friday. He is still in France having his three month contract. By the way, handa ka na ba? My car is always ready to move you far away again," she said bitterly. She dislike my moving in other places.
The heaviness in my heart, still it was very heavy, as it was. Para bang wala na iyong balak na umalis pa sa loob ko. Like it was rooted.
Inilagay ko muna ang aking pouch sa maleta. Tiningnan ko ng huli ang kwarto at baka may nakalimutan akong gamit. Nang masisiguro ko na lahat ay na-ilagay na ay bumaba na ako dala ang maleta at tumulong naman sa isang maleta si Sanna. Dumidilim ang kalangitan. Mukhang uulan.
Pagpasok ng gamit ko sa likuran ng sasakyan ni Sanna at pagsakay ay umalis na kami. Isang huling sulyap sa bahay. It will stay there quiet and deserted until someone chooses to move on it.
Sa loob ng byahe katahimikan ang pumagitna sa aming dalawa ni Sanna. She was thinking deeply, trying to solve the problem of her family. She will be a good mother of her baby soon. What will the baby look like? Will he have the hair of her mom? The eyes of Kelvin? The perfect beauty of the two? Sanna's charming smile? Kelvin's dimple? I can't wait for it.
Binaling ko ang tingin sa labas ng bintana ng sasakyan, unti-unti ng papalayo kami sa siyudad. Kinuha ko ang phone, I sent a message to Ranch to talk to him this friday if he was available. Busy siya ngayon week dahil sa bagong kaso na hina-handle niya. I missed his hugged and the kiss on my head.
Biglang lumitaw sa isipan ko ang mukha ng lalaking, stopped brain! Ipinilig ko ang ulo upang mawala ang mukha nito. It should be Ranch face not him!
"Problem, Laur?" Kunot ang noo niya na tanong sa akin.
"Wala, may nakita lang akong bagay na hindi ko gustong makita," sabi ko kasama ng isang half-smile.
"Ok, ang layo naman nang pupuntahan mo, Laur. Mukhang malayo na ito sa siyudad. Sa probinsya ka ba magstastay for a while?" baling tanong niya sandali at ibinalik ang atensyon sa daan.
"Hmmm…"Hindi ko sasabihin sa kanya ang dahilan. I've been thinking last night of the decision I am making.
Siguro, it will be the time to face everything. After five years.
"Ok, baka hindi kita agad madalaw, kasi ang layo, one hour trip yata ito o sobra pa,"aniya. Ayaw niya talaga sa long trip.
"It's fine, Sanna. I'll visit you when I am free. By the way, I will send the manuscript this week of my new story that I've finished," I said, I felt a knot in my stomach, and my anxiousness was building up inside me. The fear crawling in my nerves. I'd rather ran again but I can't.
Damn him to the deepest. Saying curse words made the back of my hair stand up. I've never said those words to me more than my characters in the story. It's different when I'm saying it.
Nang marating namin ang lungsod ay pinaliko ko si Sanna sa may plaza hanggang madaanan namin ang isang paaralan at lumiko kami sa isang may kakiputang daan na kasya lang ang isang sasakyan. Pinahinto ko siya sa harap ng isang bahay. Gawa iyon sa semento, at hindi gaano kalakihan. Kulay matingkad na asul ang pintura ng dingding at may maliit na porch.
Bumaba ako sa sasakyan, bumaba na rin si Sanna, ang tingin ay nasa bahay.
"That's not bad, I like those hanging plants on the porch," she commented.
"Kaya ito ang pinili ko," because it's far enough for my family home, I continued in my mind.
Tumingin ako sa isang babae na mukhang nasa 20's ang edad ang papalapit sa amin.
"Oh, nandito ka na pala, Lauren Lawran, right?" the young lady asked to confirm if it was me.
"Yes, the one who called at you the other day," nakangiting sagot ko sa babae.
"Oh, mabuti. Heto pala ang susi sa bahay at tyaka sa gate." Inabot ng babae sa akin ang dalawang susi na nakalagay sa anchor blue keychain.
"Thank you," I muttered.
"You're welcome, kailangan mo ba ng tulong sa paghakot ng mga gamit mi? " she glanced at the car, looking for my suitcases.
"We can manage, thank you again,"I said, my face aching from the fake smile I plastered.
"Ok, aalis na ako, kung kailangan mo ng tulong tawagan mo lang ako, andiyan lang malapit ang bahay ko." Turo nito sa direksiyon ng kanyang bahay limang metro ang layo sa kung saan kami.
I noticed that Sanna was getting my suitcases in her car. Binuksan ko ang pinto ng gate. Tinulungan ko si Sanna na kunin ang ibang suitcases. Nang maipasok namin sa loob ng bahay. Namangha ako sa ganda ng loob. It has a red tile floor, one room that was near the bathroom and the comfort room. The sala was not that small and not that big, it's enough for three people. Kitchen was near the sala, only the counter made the space between the two.
Tinulungan ako ni Sanna na ilagay ang mga gamit sa cabinet na lalagyan ng mga damit, at umalis pagkatapos nang tumawag ang ama at pinapunta siya sa office nito. She try to act fine at me but I know she was not.
Umupo ako sa sofa, tiningnan ang patay na flat screen tv. Malaki rin iyon. Hindi na rin masama ang five thousand na bayarin ko monthly.
Pumunta ako sa bathroom at naligo. Sinusuklayan ko ang basang buhok nang tumunog ang phone ko sa ibabaw ng nightstand. Galing kay Ranch na text, available siya ngayong friday. I sent him a heart emoji.
Biglang tumunog ang phone ko. Unknown number. Sinagot ko ang tawag, baka si Ranch o di kaya si Sanna. Ngunit ang pamilyar na boses ang nasa kabilang linya. And I hate how my heart beat erratically, betraying me again.
