AJR-Panic Attacks

Ryan- 15 (Test)

"How did it go?" He asks. I don't have the mental energy to answer, so I just shrug.
"You didn't text me when you finished." He mentions. I shrug again.
"Want me to leave you alone until dinner?" I'm not sure if I do or not, so I shrug again.
"Ok. I'll be in the living room if you wanna talk." I nod.
I stayed in bed for a bit before going out to the living room. Not talking, just being in the presence of Adam felt good. Jack, Mom and Dad come home, and we eat dinner. Well, I mostly just pushed the food around my plate in silence before helping with dishes and going back to my room. I knew they could all tell I was off, but they also didn't mention it, which I appreciated. I laid in bed for another few hours looking at my phone before washing up and heading to bed. I say heading to bed, but I laid awake in thought for what felt like hours before finally falling asleep.

*TIME SKIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE GIRAFFE IN THE WAY LESS SAD VIDEO*

A few days later the tests were to be handed back. My teacher opens the class with saying,

"Most of you did very well on your tests. For those that didn't or I was concerned about, I wrote a red star on the top of your paper. If you have one of those please see me after class." He said the last part while looking at me. I try to keep myself calm while dreading what mark I got.

Just breathe Ry, remember what Adam said.

I get handed my paper and see a red star, next to an 85%.

I know I won't get into Columbia with that mark. They say you need 90% or higher to even try to get accepted.

I start freaking out again, my mind stuck on my mark. I wish I could call Adam or Jack, but I don't want to leave again. I think about leaving and then realize that both of them are out all day doing things, and I can't phone them. My palms go sweaty again, and my heart rate starts increasing.

Just breathe. In, out. In, out.

I barely manage to save myself from a full-blown anxiety attack before class was over. If you asked me what was talked about in class, I couldn't tell you. Class was finally over, and I go see what Mr. Markley wants to talk to me about. I happened to be one of three kids that got the red star, and he quickly brushes the other two off saying that the re-test for them would be next week. And then he gets to me. I try to keep calm while he's talking to actually understand what he's saying.

"Ah, yes, Ryan. I was quite surprised to see you didn't do as well on the test. Frankly, I thought you were going to get the top mark once again. You have mentioned your want to go Columbia, and with a mark like that I'm a little concerned. May I ask what happened? You did run out of class during the test."

"Yes, and I'm sorry, I just, get nervous taking tests, and don't do as well on them as opposed to projects or assignments." I explain.

"Ah, I figured. Well, I could make you take the re-test, but I don't see how that would do you any good. So, I'm creating a special assignment just for you. Write an essay about something from this course, and if you get higher than an 85, I will count it as your test mark, and the test will be excluded. Get lower, and the 85 stays. Fair?"

"Fair. Thank you Mr. Markley."

"Of course. I have high hopes for you young man." He smiles. He lets me leave, and I feel relieved yet worried. I want to do well, but I'm afraid of messing it up again. I haven't really stopped shaking, but this just made it worse. I practically run home, heading straight into my room. I could feel an anxiety attack starting from the moment Mr. Markley was talking about the tests, and it's only getting worse. I sit down on my bed, having not taken off my backpack or jacket. I was starting to overheat because of the anxiety, but I was frozen in place. My feet were on the bed frame of the bunk bed, my elbows were resting on my knees and stuck in my hair. My thoughts were racing, and it started to feel like I got stabbed in the lungs, making my breathing disappear. I try to remind myself to breathe but my thoughts are only focused on the bad.
I hear the door to the bedroom open and I feel someone sitting beside me.

"Ry, hey, it's ok." Adam states, wrapping his arm around my back. A tear falls down my face, giving Adam a sense of how bad this one was about to be. I can feel him pulling out his phone, probably texting Jack to tell him what's going on. Throwing his phone on the bed, he turns his full attention to me once again.

"Ry, look at me," Adam says. Jack walks in, kneeling on the floor beside me, resting his hand on my arm. I'm so hyper focused on the test that I basically ignore Adam. I hadn't realized my backpack was still on, but both of them did. Adam mentions that they want to take it off, but I'm too busy in my own world to notice. Jack pulls out my clenched hands from my hair and quickly removes my backpack.

"Hey," Adam speaks gently. "Look at me." I finally gather the courage and the confidence to look at him.
"Breathe in," He says, being very visible as he breaths in. "Breathe out." He says, slowly pushing the air out of his lungs.

I wish I could do that... it's too hard

I shake my head widely as I literally cannot breathe. Hyperventilating so much is making my chest hurt a ton, and I start crying. Adam and Jack both look at each other in heartache, as I know they both want to help me, but they don't know what will help. I feel like I just want to curl into a ball, so that's exactly what I do. I curl up with my knees hugging into my chest, my head hiding in between them. Adam pulls me down to lay on his lap, and Jack comes up to sit behind me. Adam starts gently running his fingers through my hair while Jack softly rubs my back. They kept reminding me things like "it's ok", "we're right here", and "you're ok". I appreciate it but it's also just coming across like noise in my brain. I want to believe them, but in my current state, I can't.
Eventually my lungs feel like they've had enough, and I fall into the darkness and silence of sleep.
I wake up some time later with my blankets on top of me, my head resting on my pillow. Both Jack and Adam are in the room, and when Jack notices I'm awake, he throws a pencil at Adam.

"Hey bud." Adam says as they both come to sit beside me on my bed.

"Hey." I mumble.

"Feelin any better?" Jack asks cautiously.

"Yeah."

"Wanna talk about it?" Adam offers.

"Remember, you aren't burdening us with telling us what's going on." Jack adds, as he knows I hate talking about my problems.

"I uh..." I start. "I got my test back today." I stand up to grab it out of my backpack. I stare at it a second before sitting down and then handing it to them.

"85!?" Jack exclaims. "That's awesome!"

"Yeah... it's great..." I mutter.

"But..." Adam prompts.

"I won't get into Columbia with that mark." I mumble.

"Is your teacher giving re-tests?" Jack asks. Adam stops him.

"Or some extra credit or something?" I nod.

"Write an essay about something from the class and if I get better than an 85 he'll switch it, if I get less he'll keep it." I quote my teacher.

"That's good," Adam says, gauging my reaction to it.

"Yeah, it is good, I'm just scared I won't do good on it." I mumble.

"Dude, if that's what you get on a test, I know you do better on assignments anyways!" Jack encourages.

"Yeah but what if this is when I don't!" I fight.

"Ry, remember what I told you? As long as you do your best, that's all you can do."
I sit in silence for a minute, soaking up their words. Jack was the first to break the silence, asking,

"Wanna play a game before dinner?"

"What game?" I question.

"Hmm, Monopoly?" Adam suggests.

"I'm gonna crush both of you." I mutter while launching up and grabbing it from the cupboard.
We play Monopoly, and just like I said, I won.

(A/N- thank you to -Hello_Earthlings- for the inspiration for this story!!)