MARIGOLD |H.S. AU|

CHAPTER TWELVE

I've been smoking a lot of weed and drinking a lot of coffee and vodka the past two days to try and fucking chill myself out and to try and eliminate my anxieties, but the moment I woke up this morning it was the worst it's been over the past two days.

I have to say goodbye today.

I know the second I call or text Lou or M saying I'm struggling, one or both of them will fly to wherever I am no matter what, but I can't be a burden to them like that, that's not fair.

They can't just be on standby for when I next have a panic attack and am a risk to myself, that isn't healthy, I'm ruining their lives.

I'm okay with myself right now, I trust myself and my mental state and that's good enough for me. Sure, I have good and bad days, but don't we all.

We all also react to our circumstances in such different ways, you can never look at someone's life and say that living like them would make you so much happier. There is nothing in this world that gives you a reason to escape the pits of your mind, full of insecurities and anxieties, there is nothing that invalidates your feelings no matter how much love and happiness you have. It doesn't matter how much money, how good of a childhood you had, how kind your parents were to you, none of that makes you invalid for empathy, and that's what people seem to forget.

As I finish zipping up my suitcase, not really bothering with many clothes as everything I'll be wearing out will mainly be from Harry's line, for promotion. All of that is being transported in a crate, straight from the warehouse Niall is storing everything in before sales start, into the cargo hold of the jet we're flying on.

I'm pretty sure the jet has been assigned to us for the whole six weeks, after all, we're literally flying around the globe.

I walk out of my bedroom, grabbing my backpack with all my extra shit in, flicking the light off and close the door sighing.

I know I should be excited, and any normal person would be, but I just don't trust myself not to ruin anything, it's a lot of pressure.

Lou and Meredith are stood whispering in the kitchen, Louis leaning back onto the counter, and Meredith stood in between his legs, their hips pushed together and both holding a mug of coffee in their hand while they talk in hushed tones about something, they clearly didn't want me to hear as they stop as soon as they notice my presence.

Meredith notices me and flicks her eyeline up to mine as she hears the door to my bedroom click shut.

"Oh, you're ready!" she shouts excitedly. "I'm so fucking jealous you get to go to Italy again."

She knows I'm anxious, she can probably tell by the look on my face, and she's trying to lighten the atmosphere, to ease me.

Louis strides over and pulls me into a tight hug, something about it feels different, like he's holding onto me in a way that scares him, he's genuinely worried for me.

"You're going to be so fucking amazing mate, like so sick. I'm so proud of you always. More than you'll ever know." He whispers to me, his breath getting lost in my curtains of curls.

Tears threaten to spill from my eyes at his words. He knows my anxieties, and he knows my triggers. Louis knows me like no one else, and therefore knows how difficult it's going to be for me to walk out of that door, but also how I'll find a way to do it anyway.

"We'll walk you down?" Meredith asks, not knowing whether she's overstepping a boundary for me right now.

"No." I mutter to myself, "I can do this, and with you both up here it's less attention drawn to it, I've got this." I say assertively, but I know I'm saying it that way to try and convince them that I feel fine, and it definitely didn't work.