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The Marigold flower represents a passion, a creativity, but underneath the beauty of such an alluring flower, it is difficult to ignore the cruelty, the jealousy and the grief.
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I had no responsibilities, I just got to spend time with the people I loved most, and I knew I needed it.
Today we're flying to Milan, and the car is picking me up at 2pm, to make our flight at Heathrow at 4pm. Niall had organised for us to fly privately to Milan, and it will take about two hours to get there, so with the time difference it will be around 7pm when we land.
I was excited to get to Italy. I haven't been to Italy since my Mum disappeared, it wasn't going to be a trigger for me, it's happy memories, and I'm excited to see all the things she loved.
She was always on the square outside of 'The Duomo' in Milan, she loved it so much. It's probably one of the craziest things I've ever seen. The intricacy to that building is beyond our eye capacity, I'm sure of it. The inside and the outside are some of the most beautiful pieces of architect I've ever seen. I hope we get chance for some sightseeing if we have any spare time over the next few days.
I know Rosie wanted to take Lola out in the day if she got the chance, so I could always join them, that would be better than going on my own, heaven knows Harry won't be coming with me.
I have always wanted to wear something comfortable to the airport, but as a model in the public eye, trying to break into the more prestigious aspect of the fashion industry, I can't be papped in joggers and no makeup walking through the airport, even when we're flying privately.
I decide to go with a casual look today though, well as casual as I'm allowed. I don't wear a bra, because travelling whilst wearing a bra is a 'no' from me. I'm wearing a long-sleeved tan crop top, that has frills on the sleeves and hem. I pair that with some black ripped skinny jeans, my tan suede air force, a black hat, and a classic black bandana wrapped around my neck.
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I have my camera wrapped around me as I like to take pictures when we fly, especially over Europe as the Alps is so beautiful during the evening.
I was glad Harry booked us an evening flight, so we didn't have to get up at a ridiculous time in the morning, but I haven't been able to thank him because he's being a stubborn dick.
I know exactly what's going on, he's stubborn and full of pride, exactly like me, and he won't just give in and apologise or be the first to message me, he's waiting for me to message him apologising. Well, he's fucking stupid if he thinks that's going to happen.
It's scary for me to walk out of this apartment today. I'll leave and won't be back for six weeks. It does make me feel anxious, as much as I try to deny it. This place is my safe space, the place I feel calm, the place I can escape to, and to be so far away from that, not being able to gain that control whenever I need it, and that's what makes me nervous.
I can't exactly fly home whenever I need to either, I've signed a contract saying I'm walking in these shows unless I have a Doctor's note to sign me off, and that's fair. They're relying on me, there's a lot of money being invested, way more than what I was risking losing the first time. More money has been pushed into this now, and then the tour costs a fucking fortune too. There was a lot more riding on me now, a lot more people relying on me, so I need to hold my shit together, but I can't guarantee that I can do that. And that's making my anxiety worse.
