toujours impur | black family

04. surrounded by heathens | walburga

cw infertility, abuse

a/n: this piece references an event described in chapter 1 of this series, "end of the line."

—

wastrel.

you never wanted to be a sister, even as you knew it was your destiny. when alphard emerges from mother, you look at him and see only what he steals from you.

(you are first born. you should be first in everything, but you will get nothing. girls are only for marrying off.)

it would be better if alphard weren't a wastrel. he is as clever as any black—maybe even cleverer than you, though you will never admit it. a voracious reader, he chatters endlessly about novel ideas you will never entertain. progress is for the poor. why change when you are already on top?

when he is grown, he does not find a nice little pureblood wife to marry. he chases ancient artifacts for those bank goblins around the world. he never tells you when he is in england, so mother never has the opportunity to spring a wife on him.

between miscarriages three and four, you learn alphard's terrible secret. he admits with utter shamelessness that he will never marry, and he will never bear heirs. (his timing is abysmal, but in his defense, you never tell alphard of your struggles.) after a moment, you scream at him with a horrifying, unending wail. he dares not step foot in number 12 again until sirius is finally born, years and years later.

somehow alphard proves a better uncle than he ever was brother or heir. for this, you allow his presence in your house once more.

—

spare.

pollux and irma will not rest until they have their spare. looking at the disappointment of your brother, you cannot blame them. alphard is no heir.

mother finally delivers cygnus when you are six. there are new lines in her face and a deep weight in her bones now. they foretell that mother will bear no more children for this ancient and most noble house. in this regard, her veteran age is a gift. you do not desire to share any more.

cygnus is born a clinger. he clings to the tube that connects him and mother with unyielding fingers. a poor frazzled midwitch finally splits the thing off with a wave of her wand. (you watch with silent fascination. they'd kept you away from alphard's birth, but the nannies have their hands full with your rascal of a brother. no one will keep you away this time.)

cygnus is a mottled ugly little thing, and you have little hope for him either. by the time you are ready for hogwarts, he is less ugly and less little, but he clings to your arm as if to board alongside you. you shake him off with a withering glare and remind him that blacks are no fools.

you miss cygnus grow up. after you graduate, your only duty is to wed. you spend your days casting disdain upon the parade of lesser purebloods not worth your time. to the crabbes' great shame, mother is not sacred. the once clamored-for irma crabbe now holds little clout. out of desperation mother even suggests a blishwick — they'd married into the family once before. you remind her that misapinoa had dragged enough american dirt into the family. you do not mean to continue soiling the legacy.

without you realizing, cygnus is eighteen and worse, already betrothed. his prize is a slight little rosier with a simpering smugness. cygnus may beat you to the altar, but you cannot lose to your littlest brother. cousin orion is the true black heir – a boon for being born to the right brother. (your grandfather, alas, was a fourth son.) you will rejoin the lines and ensure the purity of this house. best of all, you will remain a black forever.

—

(un)wanted.

cygnus and druella pop out three brats before you can bear even one. they are all girls, a small blessing. but the black house needs an heir, and you will deliver one even if it kills you.

sirius arrives nine years into your marriage at great cost. aunt cassiopeia's potion finally gifts you a child, but only she and you know the price. there will be no more blacks, after yours. (you will never tell orion what you have done. you will never tell anyone, and neither will cassiopeia.)

from his first breath, sirius is a trial. he never stops wailing. he refuses your milk. he squirms in your tired arms. it is easier to give him to the nannies and the house elves, so you do. when your eyes meet his, you only see what you have cost the family.

as a babe, he quiets, but he is a terror when he learns to run. you snap at him to stop, you scream at him to obey you, but sirius never listens. only orion can temper him and only sometimes. one day, sirius is particularly difficult, and you raise your hand to school him better. but orion grabs your wrist with warning: "not in my house, walburga."

with your lips twisted in displeasure, you refrain. after all, cygnus has raised three perfect little daughters. you know druella is not the cause of their obedience. but despite your four years on him, orion has seniority, and you both know it.

so you yell and scream and bark and snap and lecture, and the wretched boy never listens. your eldest never tires of tiring you, and your regret at his existence never goes away.

—

ideal.

it is almost laughably easy how regulus is born. sirius had been the fruit of an exhaustible decade, and he is every bit as tiring for it. but as soon as you and orion decide it is time for another, regulus grows inside you. in another nine months, he slides out like butter, and you wonder if the rest will be so easy. (sirius has never made it easy.)

but regulus is as dutiful as sirius is difficult. he does as asked, and he never talks back. he is your dream child, and you make a point to tell sirius as much. (in truth, regulus is a bit of a brown-noser. but you do not mind when he is preening for you.)

regulus, unlike his brother, is sorted into slytherin. (you'd nearly disowned sirius the day the lions had taken him. despite his own disappointment, orion convinces you he is still a boy and salvageable. you settle for a howler to his dorm so the rest of those traitors and mudbloods know their own filth.)

regulus, unlike his brother, makes the right friends. his friends have sacred names. (potter is sacred, mum, sirius bites back once. you send him to his room without dinner and do not speak to him for a week.)

regulus, unlike his brother, takes after your favorite niece. druella has done this one thing right. bellatrix is a talented witch and betrothed to the lestrange heir. she, too, has friends in the right places. when regulus tells you and orion he is a death eater, you think this is the proudest you have ever been. perhaps the proudest you ever will be.

but regulus, unlike his brother, dies before you.