The Northern Lights

Chapter 2. Collision with the truth. Part 1.

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter-tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther....
And one fine morning...

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"

F.Scott Fitzgerald "The Great Gatsby"

***
My new and not favorite place of work.

Bright but soulless hospital walls. The pungent smell of drugs hits the nose and still provokes an attack of nausea.
People in starched hospital gowns are hurriedly running from one room to another.
Their faces are extremely serious.
The mix of these two factors provokes an uncontrolled panic attack and hidden fears. It's been almost six months, and I'm still not used to it. Will I ever be ?

After graduating from one of the most famous Istanbul universities, I did not plan to connect my life with medicine. I had to follow the example of my father, about whose dazzling career heard even people who live near the North Pole.

Kemal Yilmaz, my father, is a man who saved the lives of thousands of children and adults.
He is the most talented heart surgeon of Istanbul. Mr. Yilmaz also determined my future, saying that I should be a doctor and follow his path.
The rest was not discussed, my opinion was not taken into account at all.

So, I guess it's time to be honest — I've never been attracted to the profession of a doctor. But I prefer to think that it was destined.
And I obeyed.
My heart told me that my decision was wrong, and my soul is still drawn to completely different pursuits.
But the most sensible solution lay on the surface: I had to listen to my beloved fathet and trust him.
It was somehow safer, more stable.
Besides, I couldn't simply say "no" to Kemal Yılmaz and let him down.
A steady monthly income and good goals are more important than my rosy childhood dreams, which most likely will not come true, at least not in the near future.

I can't help but remember the phrase I underlined with a red pen in a book my sister Ceren gifted me with.
It was Nicholas's Sparks book —
" The keys to happiness are those dreams that've come true."
My keys to happiness are lost forever, and dreams...after all, even fulfilled dreams don't always give you happiness.

***
When my beloved sister found out about her illness, I was ready to sacrifice my life so that she would soon be cured and leave the hospital walls.
Her illness was hidden somewhere inside for a long time, growing stronger and stronger day by day.
It gave itself away in such clear external manifestations — a haggard face, sunken cheeks, dry chapped lips.
The glassy look of her sea-green eyes. Eyes in which life was bubbling and splashing only a short time ago.
Under unobtrusive questions she briefly replied that the reason was her accumulated fatigue and recent premature birth.
In addition, she had hormonal surges-a symptom that manifests itself before and after pregnancy.
Everything seriously affected her already weakened immune system.

It was not possible to experience the happiness of motherhood — the first months after the birth of Elif were not easy for our family.
We spent nights at the hospital, we didn't close our eyes.
The little girl was born a month ahead of schedule.
She was very weak, doctors stubbornly did not give any promises or guarantees.

Sad memories flash through my mind.

"Sister, where is my baby?"

Silence in response.