Change in Heart ▪ Enoch O'Connor

XV.

Was there ever an end?

An endless drought of happiness and life, flooded by deadlines and things that don't matter in the end, they all have to amount to something. Right?

You're supposed to be born pure. That's what they want to tell anyone. A baby bred free of sin, full of potential and a beautiful life. We start with shining, bright souls, and clear minds that are ready to grow. Over time, we are molded by the actions of others, which turn into actions of our own. Some let darkness shadow their burning soul, others remain whole. Some let it be consumed by an inky black, some let it in little by little, some let it in, but turn their face away and strengthen their light.

When all you know is darkness, it is hard not to let it in.

To be surrounded by death is like a constant reminder of your sins, of all your wrong. Ash was so happy in her world on the other side. Her light was bright, she wouldn't be tainted. She had a determined spirit, and worked for results. But now, she found it hard to get out of bed.

She laid in bed wondering about life and death, and if it was even worth it to live a life. How cruel of whatever God there was to burden her with a surrounding void. To know there was a line of death was discomforting enough to the normal brain, but to see that line was harrowing.

"You'll have to leave this room at some point." Enoch said from the doorway. Ash raised her head to look at the boy, who leaned against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his sweater.

"You're one to talk," Ash replied, dropping her head back to her pillow. "Besides, I don't have to leave."

"Yes, you do." Enoch challenged.

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too." Emma mimicked as she pushed past Enoch. She plopped onto her bed and blew a curled, blonde strand out of her face. "Just kiss and get on already."

Enoch scoffed and backed out of the doorway as Ash's face grew hot. She rolled over to glare at Emma, who simply smirked and continued looking at her nails. Shaking her head, she stood and tried not to look out the window. She knew the dead would always be out.

Ash walked down the hallway, not looking into the room where Enoch's eyes watched her. Going down the stairs, she hoped to find The Bird where she usually was. Ash lightly knocked on her door, hoping she wasn't busy.

"Come in," Miss Peregrine's voice chimed.

Mrs. Peregrine looked at Ash's gloomy face with sympathy; she knew she was having one of the hardest times adjusting to such a heavy topic.

"Is there something you'd like to speak of, Ashnar?"

Ash pressed her lips into a thin line and thought before speaking. "Do you ever wish you weren't peculiar?"

"I've wondered, yes," Mrs. Peregrine replied, standing from her desk. "But I know my world could never be the same without a peculiarity, without my group of peculiars. It has been difficult, without a doubt, but I would never trade it for normalcy."

"Not even if your peculiarity was like a plague? Like more than a touch of grey? Even if it felt like balls and chains, your ankles bound to the floor by concrete?" Ash felt like pouring her heavy heart out and spilling to the floor in hysterics. She felt that no one could understand. Not even Horace whose sleep was interrupted by horrifying incidents of the past, present, and future. Not Enoch, who brooded and sulked, who was so apart from the others. No, she felt like a hole, not even a shell. She couldn't hardly gather the emotion to cry anymore, dried up and void of feeling. Oh, and how she craved for an inkling of light in her dimmed soul.

"Ashnar, I'm sorry it had to be this way for you. It always takes some getting used to, you will have to grow with your peculiarity. Sometimes, there can be more within you than what you find on the surface."

"The surface is walking with the souls of the damned." Ash replied blankly, laying her head back on her chair.

"Have you ever tried thinking them away?"

Ash's head snapped up, eyes growing wide. Why hadn't she considered that? Such a basic concept, and it didn't even grace her mind? Too busy sulking, she didn't use her head. She thought too much of them being there, but never just imagined them not being there.

"I haven't, not really." She replied blankly.

"Well," Miss Peregrine gave a slight smile. "Try it out and get back to me. If it doesn't go well, we will try whatever works for you. Does that sound alright?"

Ash smiled at her headmistress, and a warm feeling was sparked in her. She just needed to try, right?

"Will do, Miss. Thank you, for your words. I'll try not to bother anymore."

"Ashnar, I don't believe you could be a bother to anyone. Now, run along and catch the sunlight before it is gone."

Ash thanked Miss Peregrine and returned to her bedroom, not looking out any of the windows. She sat on her bed for a moment, cross legged, and seeming to be deep in thought or meditation. Or at least, that is what Enoch thought as he leaned up against the doorframe, hoping she wouldn't open her blue eyes.

She was too worried to care if anyone were to see her anyway. She needed the spirits to be gone. She couldn't communicate or command them. They are simply just there. Day in, day out.

When she finally gathered the courage to fall out of her trance, she put on her shoes and walked silently throughout the house. She bumped into Victor on her way down the hallway, who immediately pulled her into a room. Ash looked around and his hand was tight around her bicep, confused as to why they were in Bronwyn's room.

"Victor? Are you okay?"

Victor held a hint of madness in his eyes, and he slightly panted, loosening his grip on the girl. "You look miserable here. Go away with me."

Ash cocked her head to the side and took a hesitant step back. "Vic-I don't understand."

Victor huffed and lowered his voice. "Listen, I heard you speaking with The Bird. I see you out of energy, and I just know you want to get out of here. So do I. I've planned this all out, and I'm doing it tonight. You could go with me. We could be normal. I'd just age a few years, but what of it?"

Ash stood there stunned, unsure of what to say. She was miserable, but she also had no control. She couldn't decide which side she was more miserable on, however.

"Victor, I can't," She started, laying a hand on his arm as his face dropped. "I don't have everything figured out, and I don't think starting another new life would work well for me."

His eyes softened then his face hardened, his jaw clenching. He nodded his head and looked down to their shoes, scuffing his. "I'll just do it myself then. Hope you have fun here, Ash."

Victor then left the room, not without slamming the door and leaving Ash in a bewildered state. Was she to tell anyone? Did she even know what just happened?

As if she weren't already terribly confused, she was even worse now, and had to go lie down to soothe her spinning and aching head.

Spirits, now both alive and dead, will be her demise.