Joan Undone

Chapter 42

"Let's check on Mase," Harriet says, pulling me into the clinic.

Mason has been sleeping on the clinic's cot because Flo insists that anyone who has been inside the incubator be monitored for twenty-four hours in case of complications.

"He's doing well," Flo says softly.

I watch her checking the inventory in the supply closet, and my heart pings with a selfish wish that I had more time for her to teach me her craft. The few hours I spent under her tutelage were some of the most fascinating of my life. It reminds me of the other life I'd be living, if the results of my Status testing had been different.

"I am joining you on the mission to fight Crew and his people," Flo says, her voice firm. "I will not be a part of inflicting violence, but I may be of help as an on-site medic to our team and any civilians caught in the crossfire."

"Thank you," Harriet says.

I repress the urge to ask Flo to stay here, safe. Maybe there are no more safe places any longer, and even if there are, it's not my decision to make for Flo or anyone.

Mason shifts on his cot, awakening. He brightens when he sees Harriet.

"What job did you decide to give me?"

Harriet sits next to him. "How about rescuing your best friend?"

"Justus will want to fight with you," Mason argues.

"We don't know what shape he'll be in," I say. "They could have tortured him, or drugged him. We're counting on you to get him out of there, to safety. If the rest of us don't make it out, he can carry our message to the media. He's the best mouthpiece for our story."

"I won't stay behind while Harriet's dealing with those maniacs," Mason says.

"You're not fully healed," Flo interjects. "But you may bring Justus to me, Mason, and we will revive him if need be, along with anyone else who needs medical attention."

"This role is an important one, which is why I gave it to you. Can I count on you?" Harriet asks.

"Always," Mason says.

Those two could give Alison and Tupac a run for their money when it comes to googly-eyes. I start to back out of the room, but Mason calls me back.

"Joan, wait. I haven't had a chance to thank you for saving my life."

"I think that credit goes to your girlfriend."

"You killed Boer. I know what that takes out of you, what you carry around with you now," Mason says, his usually laid-back expression intense. "Some decisions are easy, black and white. Others take a judgment call. Those are the ones that can haunt you, if you let them."

"He was not a good person. I try to tell myself that makes it okay."

"That isn't what makes it okay. What makes it right is that you didn't kill him because you hated him, but because you loved us. When I look back on the lives I've taken, that's the thing that I remind myself of, so that I know I'm not as much of a monster as Crew."

His words ring like a gong in my heart. They remind me a little of what Leo said to me before the raid of the Chrysalis, when he was betraying us all. He told me not to give in to my hate. Did he hope I would remember his last words, like I hope Mav will remember mine? Or was that all part of his act? Maybe tomorrow, I'll have the chance to ask him before I die.

"Thank you," I whisper, retreating from the room before the emotion welling up in me overflows.

I go to the bunk room. There's no way sleep will come easily tonight, but I should at least rest my body. Nic is curled up in my spot, his arms wrapped around my pillow.

The mattress dips when I sit down, and he rolls over and looks at me. Even in the dim light, I see the gold in his irises. He found the vial of Amp I left under the pillow. I forgot to move it when our plan changed.

"I'm useless," Nic says when I let out a long breath of disappointment.

"You're not useless. You're an addict," I say. "This self-pity that you're swimming in lately doesn't suit you, Nic. And I won't be a part of your life when you keep relapsing. I have to protect myself." Do I have a right to even say that, having been the one to put temptation in his hands?

His eyes are bright, almost feverish. More than what a vial of Amp should invoke.

"I want you to know that my time with you has been the best part of my life," he says, gripping my hand so tightly in his that I wince. "After I met you, so much changed for me. I can see the good in others, because you made me see the good in you. You made me burn with love again. You lifted me out of that dull state of apathy."

"I care about you, too, Nic, but I won't be with you, especially not like this."

Why am I bothering to debate with him? He's clearly out of his mind.

"I know you can never be with me. I think I always knew it. But it was nice to dream, for a while, that you could be. Thank you for that, Joan."

"Rest, Nic. When this is all over..." I don't finish my sentence, because any promises would be lies.

By the time Nic comes out of his Amp-induced stupor, I'll probably be dead. There will be no one to help him limp toward recovery. The idea of him dead, overdosed, makes me want to choke.

"For you, or for anyone you love..." he murmurs. His eyes flutter closed before he can finish his thought.

I tuck him into the covers and cross the room. I open my phone to make a final video. Smoothing my hair and taking a deep breath, I consider the right words.

"Justus, you're probably mad at me right now. By the time you see this, I'll be dead, along with many of our team. But we all made the choice to go into battle. This isn't a burden you should carry. Yes, I'm doing it to save you, but I'm also doing it to save a lot of other people too. Don't give in to your grief. We need you to tell the world what happened today, to keep fighting for Throwback rights. I know you can do it. I know you are strong enough.

"My parents and Addie know how much I love them, but please tell them I'm so sorry. This is not the ending they wished for me.

"There's one other person I need you to help. You and Nic have never been close, but he is going to need someone to lean on when I'm gone. I know I can count on you, because you always see past petty emotions and do the right thing. That's another reason why it's right that you're the one who gets to survive.

"I love you, Justus. I hope your life is bright. God, I miss you.Goodbye."