Just in case || Draco Malfoy

Fourteen - That Summer

I couldn't stand the way Helena questioned me. I desperately wanted to tell her. I had only become civil with her a few weeks prior. But it was all I needed. Being able to speak to her without being expected to insult her was finally a freedom I could enjoy. But it wasn't fair to drag her into this. She deserves more than to be stuck helping me.

The night of Slughorns party she spoke to me. I was terrified she had heard more than she was supposed to me. If only she knew what a monster I had become. Surely she wouldn't want anything to do with me. And I wouldn't blame her. But I couldn't stand to not be able to speak to her.

I couldn't help but break down slowly as I thought of her. It tore me apart not being able to tell her what was happening. But it was even more wrecking knowing that she would know by the end of the year of my involvement with the dark lord. And I would never be able to confess to her.

I wanted her to know. Even though she would no doubt despise me after she knew what I was, I wanted her to know how much I longed for her. But by the end of the year, I know that either she will despise me after seeing what I will have done,
or I will be dead.

That was until the week before Christmas.

I had placed the apple into the cabinet and uttered the spell to attempt to make the cabinet work, a routine that was achingly familiar. I expected no different result. But this time I was mistaken.

The cabinet did not move. I opened the door to see if the interior had changed, and the apple had disappeared.

It worked.

I said the words for the enchantment again. I pulled back the door a second time to see that the apple had re appeared, only this time with a bite missing.

I had written to my mother. She informed me of the plan. The 4th of January was to be the night that the death eaters were to be let into the castle.  That night was to be the death of Dumbledore.

My world crashed even more so than it had been previously. Less than three weeks. That's how much time I had left.

I had to tell Helena. She needed to know before I...  I couldn't even bring myself to think of it. But it had to be done. And I would regret it for every second of the rest of my life if I didn't tell her.

But how could I? I had spent the previous months avoiding her, trying to protect her from myself. But now I wanted to speak to her again just like that. I had wanted to speak to her all the while. I was desperate to, especially since Slughorns. But it was too cruel to drag her into it.

The days up to Christmas were all a foggy blur. I ran several more tests on the vanishing cabinet, all of them succeeding. The nights I spent alone in my dorm room, almost choking myself as I tried to conceal my sobs.

I didn't want this. Any of this. I didn't want to have to lose Helena. I didn't want to kill. I didn't want to put my mother in danger by refusing to do the dark lords wishes. But most of all I didn't want this wretched mark of evil forever engraved in my skin. I clawed and scraped at it mercilessly each night, hoping that I could withdraw the smoky ink from my arm as it was so easily placed there. But nothing could fix me now. The deed was done. The mark would never fade. Several scar marks lay over the top of the stain from where I had scratched so furiously that I tore apart my skin. I remember when Christmas Day was upon me. Blaize knocked at my door, but I didn't answer. I instead waited to hear his footsteps descend the staircase before I tore off my shirt, gazing at the deep black mark in the mirror. I felt my breathing grow faster, the guilt rising in my chest. Every heartbeat sounded like a deafening roar in my ears. All I wanted was to make it stop. To carve this mark out of my arm forever. And I'm sure I would have done. As I picked up the pocketknife that resided on my bedside table, I'm sure I would have skinned my arm free of this curse, no matter the consequences. No matter the pain. It was mere inches from penetrating my skin when I heard her.

She came to me herself. I had requested money from my mother to buy Helena the necklace I gave to her. A goodbye, if you will. I told myself that I was going to tell her how I felt today. She had questioned me so many times about why I was constantly so drained. She seems to be the only one who noticed. But I wasn't ready to tell her that part yet. Though it was less than two weeks from now and she would soon find out herself.

Her embrace was enough to push me over the edge. I couldn't help it, I pulled her in and kissed her. I had longed to do it for months. But she pulled away.
She avoided me. I cursed myself for what I had done, I was so foolish. I don't understand why I believed there would be any different outcome. She was well within her right to ignore me, just as I had done to her for months.

But then, the astronomy tower. I couldn't believe that someone as perfect as her could ever feel that way about someone as wretched as me. But I savoured the moment. It could be the last one I spent with her.

We rejoined the feast soon after that. We had to act normal in the hall in front of the others, but all I wanted above all else was to kiss her beautiful lips again.

The common room soon after. Everyone had gone to sleep. For only a few solitary hours, the thought of what was going to take place in less than two weeks time was banished from my mind. And I savoured every single second with her that I could that night. It was late and the only two left in the common room were us.

"So..." she questioned, looking up at me with her gorgeous grey eyes and warming smile.

"So?" I said back to her with the first small smile on my face that I had managed to muster in the past four months.

"What is this? Between us" she asked.

"It's whatever you want it to be" I told her. I didn't care what it was, as long as she would let me kiss her at least once more.

"Well what do you want it to be?" She asked me.

"The truth?" I said

"Yes".

"What I want is for you to be my girlfriend" she looked taken aback by my answer. "I know I'm rushing, but it's just-" I stopped myself. My heart was so happy that it nearly spilled my secrets.

"Just what?" She said with her gently voice.

"Just that I've wanted to do that for so long. And when I did it just- it just felt right." She looked at me with an emotion on her face that I couldn't quite pinpoint. "But it is entirely your decision. And you are perfectly fine to say no" I assured her. It wasn't. But the last thing I wanted was for her to feel anything other than perfect because of me.

She said nothing. But what she did I was more than happier with. She put her hand on the back of my neck and pulled me in for a kiss. Every time I kissed her, I felt every tiny stress in my body disappear for a moment. I cupped her cheek just as she pulled away.

"Yes. I will be". I pulled her in once more. In her embrace was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. This girl, who I had only befriended mere weeks ago was in that moment, the most important thing in the world to me.

But of course that's all it was. A moment. As soon as she went to her own dorm room, I was brought back to the grim reality of not a happy moment, but my wretched life that never ceased to disappoint.

...