Oneshots for the Raven Cycle

This Feels Like Home

Hello! There isn't much plot to this, I just had an idea and it felt like Adam. It May be a tad bit sad, but a hopeful and happy ending, I promise. 

Home was never a reality for Adam. He understood home in only the most basic way, a roof over his head and somewhere to go when you weren't at school. He had thought for years that he would one day have a "real home". A place that was all his own. He wouldn't let himself daydream often, daydreaming was for people who could afford to take their time in life. And that was something that he had never been able to do. But every once in a while, when he really needed to escape, Adam let himself imagine his future home. It would be in a city, something big and loud, the sort of place that was never quiet. The sort of place that you could let yourself blend in one the streets, where nobody knew you and nobody cared where you came from. If he woke in the middle of the night from a nightmare, he could immediately know that he was in a city. It would be far from the 'middle of nowhere, going nowhere' life he had led before. It would be big and open, high ceilings, minimalist in the way that was slick and expensive, black tile, white marble, firm couches, and slick suits that always felt right.  Adam had spent years trying to be perfect, trying to be easy to love, and when that failed he had been perfect to escape. Adam was a firm believer that life gave you nothing. He had tried to explain it to Gansey once, and they had fought about it. Of course, they had. Gansey had always been rich. In time, love, money, energy, opportunity, freedom, everything Adam had wanted. The first few months of their friendship, Adam had let himself be jealous of Gansey for it and to be angry at his ignorance. It used to infuriate Adam that he had so much and yet he didn't know the worth of any of it. Adam cringes at himself thinking back on it, Gansey was really good at seeming confident and flippant, but the more Adam got to know him, the more he realized that Gansey had a whole host of his own problems that were just different than Adam's. He follows the frayed and tangled yarn of his memory to the moment that he had realized that Gansey hid everything real about himself. Gansey had been laughing at some joke that Ronan had made and it was entirely uncontrolled. Adam learned not to be jealous of Gansey, it was a process and it was one he was still working on a lot of the time, but he was doing better. 

Adam's eyes flickered back open, he hadn't been asleep exactly, just contemplative. He was used to rarely having time to listen to his own thoughts, and he had always taken it whenever he could get it. He was smarter when he had time to think about things other than work or school, he said fewer things that he didn't mean. He pulled himself out of the thoughts, focusing back in on his surroundings. They were in the Pig, Gansey had decided to take a weekend road trip to who knows where to go camping, and of course, when he asked them for company, they had all gone along. With the exception of Henry who had a hair product expo or a family cocktail party or something else vitally important that he really couldn't miss, they had all piled into the car yesterday afternoon and had been driving since. The boys and Blue were all used to weird sleep schedules and had offered to take shifts driving, to which Gansey had replied he and blue would switch off. They had driven through the night, taking turns sleeping and driving. Adam looked out the window and could see the very first bit of light beginning to edge its way over the horizon. With the combination of the curious bluish light and slight fog leftover from the cool night, the world felt like a wonderland. Everything was fuzzy and gentle and dyed a bluish grey and felt calm. Quiet. Blue and Gansey were talking quietly in the front seat, their voices weighted slightly with gentle tiredness. Adam rested his cheek against the cool window of the backseat. He felt slow, unhurried. He didn't have to run anymore, didn't have to live life as a race. He had always dreamed of being an important, rich, respected, what? He always got stuck there. What did he want to be? He knew he wanted freedom and the life he had always watched from the sidelines, but he didn't know what exactly he wanted to do to get himself there. But three weeks before, he had gotten a letter about a scholarship he had almost forgotten he'd applied for. It hadn't seemed like something that could ever be real, more wishful thinking than an actual chance, but he had gotten a scholarship, full ride to Harvard Law. A little part of him that used to walk to the bookstore and read superhero comics had woken up with that letter. He had always loved the heroes until he was old enough that he stopped believing that he would come for him, but he thought that maybe, he could do for other kids what nobody had been able to do for him. He let himself put words to the idea, and child's protective lawyer felt more right than anything ever had before. He was going to Harvard in the fall, but he still had three long months of doing nothing. And for the first time ever he could truly let himself do nothing. 

He let out a long breath, bringing himself back to the car again, he wanted to make sure he lived every beautiful moment and saved them away, to remind himself of how good things felt when his brain decided to focus on what he'd rather forget. Blue and Gansey were still talking about some new study done in Paris or Rome or something similar, and their hands rested tangled together on the console. Adam smiled slightly, they deserved to be happy, they all did after the year they'd had. And they were. He let his eyes drift over to Ronan, who lay sprawled across the backseat. His head leaned on a balled-up hoodie and his legs rested in Adam's lap. He was dead asleep, and Adam felt a little tug in his chest at the calm smile that played across his face. A year ago Adam wouldn't have believed that that smile was something Ronan was capable of. And he still felt a soft, warm, loving feeling every time he saw it. It was a smile reserved for chainsaw being cuddly, Opal when she wasn't looking, a beautiful new dream object being successful, and Adam. Adam still didn't quite believe that Ronan could smile like that at him. After years of believing that love was a luxury he couldn't have, it was taking him time to get used to how deeply Ronan loved. He would wake up at the Barnes some mornings to find Ronan gone caring for the animals, but a small ball of light sitting with a note on the table. When he touched the light, it exploded into miniature shimmering birds made from dust that swooped and danced around each other before fading, Ronan never dreamed the same thing twice, but on the days he slept in, Adam always found something beautiful along with a harshly worded note from Ronan. Adam count never help but marvel at how lucky he was, something he had never thought before. And now as the first golden rays of the sun played over Ronan's sleeping form, light dancing over the sharp slopes of his cheekbones and revealing the slight curls of the tattoo that peaked around the edges of his neck, he felt his face pull into a matching smile. Ronan may dress all in black, but to Adam, his color would always be gold. The gold of dreams, morning sunshine, and magic. Adam laid a hand on Ronan's leg being careful not to wake him, pulled the blanket closer around him, tilted his head against the window to let the morning light play gently over his closed eyes, and let the soft murmur of his friend's conversation lull him into a gentle doze. Before he drifted off he considered again the dream of his cold, too clean someday home. He realized he'd never need to imagine that fake and impersonal "home" again. He had some wonderful people to lean on, the promise of a hundred golden mornings in the future, and the reassuring weight of unrushed purpose in his heart. He felt safe and secure in the fact that he was known and loved, and he felt the settling realization that this was what it felt to be home. 

Sending love to you all!