𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐮𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐞

one.

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𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐒𝐎𝐀𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 , thinking about life. , success, and happiness, the whole nine yard. Today marked a whole year I had been clean.

But yet again no one seemed to care. No one had called to congratulate or tell me they were proud of me.  And yes I understand I should've never been addicted to oxy, but i was. And here I was trying to fix my mistakes but yet no one cared.

Staying clean could be challenging but I was doing it. I figured my family would at least send a text but then again I was talking about my family. They probably forgot I even had an addiction the day they checked me into rehab.

They had discovered I had a problem, found a solution to the problem, then dusted it under the rug as usual. When I left rehab we never talked about my addiction again. Well, at least I never talked about my addiction to them.

I had gotten addicted to oxy after I was prescribed the medicine when I got in a car accident.

I went from using them to numb the physical pain, to numbing them for the emotional pain.

I have always dealt with depression off and on but hid it well.

it was clear as the day I was the black sheep of the family. The worthless one. And that has always hurt me.

Knowing that my family saw me as useless with no value. I was just emotional baggage and that hurt. My sister and brother always got the praise, always hearing about what they have done. Never what Ashai has done or is trying to do.

I planned on spending the day with myself, eating, and shopping as therapy but my plans had failed.

I had spent the whole day in bed sleeping. Because I was tired, tired of my family, tired of life, tired of everything. I just wanted to feel loved, wanted to feel like a had a purpose. I wanted to wake up knowing I had made a difference or would make a difference.

But that probably would never happen.

I was just a useless recovering addict with family issues. But I wanted to be more. But how?

What could I do? I had no education past the 12th grade nor did I have a job. I mean I was no dummy but college wasn't necessary because my dad said he didn't want me to work.

I was a daddy girl minus the good bond and relationship. My dad thought he could solve problems with money and that's what he did.

He didn't talk to me much maybe because he thought I was too fragile. The only time we ever talked was when he was giving me money or my family realized that I was a part of the family and invited me over for dinner.

I only really had one skill and that was to cook. I mean I could throw down. I loved to cook. When I cooked I went into a reality I loved.

I wasn't a recovering addict or an addict at all. I was just a girl who was cooking when I stepped into the kitchen. That is why cooking was my escape.

Cooking was my love and passion. I wanted my restaurant but my mom always shut the idea down. And I got discouraged. I hadn't gone to college but I did go to culinary school and I loved it. Maybe I could own my restaurant one day.

I had been in the tub for hours just thinking and contemplating. Soaking was relaxing. It allowed you to have the best conversations with yourself. I could be calm and just think. The essential oil calmed me and my body. It was just me and my thoughts as usual.

after another hour of soaking, I got out of the tub and dried myself off. I grabbed some nightclothes and was ready to call it a night. I got in the bed turned on my show power and was going to watch it until I fell asleep. after I reached the second episode I saw my big sister drea had texted me.

she told me she was proud of me for being clean a whole year. she also made sure to include however I thought my family felt was. it true.

And that they all loved and supported me.

I found that funny because it was the end of the day and she just now decided to tell me something.

And it probably was because she saw I posted it on social media. It may not have been a big deal to them but it was for me, and a simple call from all of them would have meant the world.

But that was my family for you, always trying to tell me my feelings were invalid or  " untrue "

Always making excuses. And I was sick of it but as usual, I said nothing.

She ended up telling me that she had a new boyfriend. This didn't surprise me, but I was surprised to hear that he was in the penitentiary.

I mean a jailbird? wonder how mama would feel about that. Her precious daughter dating a felon.

I mean I couldn't judge a book by its cover because I knew how that felt. But I think dating a prisoner is a bit much.

As she began talking about her love interest of the week, she also talked about the things he went through.

I knew how the prison system was towards black men and it was sad. She told me that he was almost starving because the food they served was so bad. She compared it to pig slop. And I grew sad because no one should have to almost starve.

then she got around to the reasons as to why she called. They had recently fired one of their head cooks and she thought I could interview to take their job as a new cook at Riker's Island. That was one of the worst prisons in America if you asked me.

They treated their inmates as if they were not even human. the stories of the inmates brought tears to my eyes in one of the documentaries.

But she wanted me to be a cook there. I mean I didn't think I was too good to work at a prison but I didn't think my first job would be at a prison. But it was a job and that's what I wanted.

Prison or not I wanted to have some financial independence and this was my chance. I told her I was interested and she told me she had already pulled some strings and the job was mine I just needed to show up. of course, she had.

we soon got off the phone and I was in shock. Not only had I gotten a job as a cook but I would be cooking at a prison. Wow, that's all I could say was wow.

I mean who knows maybe this could be my chance to do something I loved in life.

Not only would I be cooking but my cooking maybe could help inmates. No that was stupid. A stupid idea, thinking my food would change inmates who had bigger issues. But I would be cooking and I loved that so that would be great. I went to bed smiling fit the first time in forever. I would have a job!