The Write Match // Bill Hader

Twenty-One

He would have loved this apartment though, the space, the views. He was learning to love the city just like I was, but he never got to love it like I do before he died. I say that as if he died willingly, it was an accident. He died in the car wreck, I feel like I should have died too, but I somehow made it out alive.

New York was somewhere I always talked about living, and he followed because he knew it's where I would end up, no matter what. He knew I wanted to write and preform comedy for a living, it was my dream. He supported my dreams at first, but he slowly lost hope in me. For so long, he was the only one.

I should still be in bed with Bill, still laying with the person who makes the happiest I've ever been. He died in the accident five years ago today, and it has gotten any easier, and I don't think it ever will. The pain wears out and I shouldn't let him have this control over me, but I never go without feeling guiltily on this day.

I stare out the window, cry a little, then call his mom and talk to her. I usually call his mom every year on this day, and we never talk about Adam, but she knows why I'm calling. I check in on her when I call, just to make sure she's doing well and out of the house, because she wasn't at first. She stayed home for months after he died. If I didn't have the distraction that is the city, I would have been just like her. I would have never left my apartment again.

I knew this day would come, I didn't want it to, so I blocked it out. I block out things that make me sad, and this is one of those things, it eats me alive. I go to the shelf, picking one of the photo albums up. I sit on my couch, flipping through the album, finding my favorite pictures of us. We were young, we were happy. I really do believe he loved me at one point or another, I just don't think he knew how to show it. I miss him, I'll admit it. I wish I could tell him about this job, about the incredible people I've met, about the offer I have, but I can't.

"Meredith?" His tired voice startles me.

"Yeah." I answer.

"What are you doing up so early?" He asks me.

"Oh, I couldn't sleep." I tell him.

"I'm not going to ask any questions, I know today isn't the day." He smiles and this is one of the few times I've felt comfortable enough to talk to him about Adam.

"I actually want to ask you something." I say softly and he takes a seat next to me.

"Anything." He tells me and I pick the photo album back up, avoiding eye contact as I flip through the pages.

"It's stupid, really, this is the first time I've looked at pictures of us since and I haven't wanted to, but I think I want to today. I was wondering if you wanted to see some of them." I tell him and feel my cheeks burn.

"Of course." He tells me and I nod. "Let's see. I'm right here." He scoots closer and I pull the album close. I point out the pictures of us at prom, graduation, and our birthdays. I show him my favorite, one of Adam at a picnic in Central Park.

"You looked happy." He says, and I can't take my eyes away from the pictures of us.

"I was, at first. After the first three years or so, things started to get bad." I tell him and I have tears in my eyes.

"Are you okay?" He asks and I shrug.

"I don't know." I tell him truthfully. We spent more time looking at pictures and I focus on the good memories instead of the bad ones. "I wonder if he would be proud of me." I say mindlessly and he looks at me.

"Are you joking?" He asks and I stare at him blankly. "Of course he would be proud of you, I know he may not have acted like it, but I think he would be proud of how far you've come." He tells me and I shrug.

"I guess I'll never get to know." I say, closing the album, my mood changing in an instant.

"I'm proud of you, Meredith." He says quietly, as if he's afraid to say it. I'd like to pretend that it didn't effect me, but my heart swells at his words.

"Why?" I ask out of instinct and he shrugs.

"You're not the same person I met in August, you've grown so much and look what you're doing right now, something you haven't done in years." He points out and I know he's right. I'm proud of myself, that's what's important. I'm proud of myself for talking to him about this.

"I think he would've liked to know you." I tell him and he gives me a confused look. "He would have admired your work and I think he would have really loved how you've brought me out of my shell." I tell him and he smiles.

"I know the guy was an asshole, but that means a lot to me because I know he meant a lot to you." He tells me. I'm sure if Adam hadn't passed, I wouldn't have the life like I do now. I probably would have left New York the second I graduated from college and moved to LA, got married, and had kids with Adam, but I could never know.

"You mean a lot to me too." I tell him and sit up quickly. "I'm sorry." I apologize, and I see him trying to hide a smile.

"Don't apologize for your feelings, isn't that what you told me?" He asks me, and I stand from the couch.

"I'm going to shower, you can come if you want, I'll just be in the shower." I mumble and walk into my bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. "Idiot." I say to myself. I get into the shower, hoping to wash away my embarrassment.

I know he won't say anything about it to me when I come out of the bathroom, but I am excited to get out of the shower and spend today with him. I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling right now. I'm happy, when it comes to Bill and I, but I'm sad, sad about Adam and that situation, and how unsure I am, and how scared I am.