𝗢𝗡 𝗧𝗥𝗔𝗖𝗞 | Hwang Hyunjin.

| t w e n t y |

Her shaking hands quickly reached out for the lights of her lamp. She barely breathed but she stood up anyway because she knew that if she stayed there, she'd feel worst.

She'd feel as if she was gonna die.

The scene of her faceless mom reaching her hand out repeated over and over in her mind.

She started to feel sick as she tried to familiarize the woman and ran towards the bathroom. Seunghee quickly opened the tap water, washing her face constantly. The cold water hits her face as tears kept falling.

Seunghee then finally, closed the tap water, looking up at her reflection on the mirror. The girl met a stranger looking back at her with eyes so red, cheeks swollen, and dark shades of black under her eyes.

She barely looks at herself, she never liked seeing herself.  Seunghee couldn't stress enough about how much her own self causes her and everyone else pain. At least that was what is injected into her mind.

The only time she'd see herself is when she had anxiety attacks like this. Maybe that's why she only looked at herself as if she was a monster.

Not wanting to see more of the hopeless stranger looking at her, she went out of her bathroom. Seunghee was a bit calmer now, but she still felt suffocated. She felt that if she went back to bed now, she'd dream about the same thing again and that she might not be able to wake up this time.

02:43 am was the time shown when she checked. She didn't bother to change as she was already in a hoodie, though she needed to put extra jacket as it was winter, she didn't mind, it wasn't even in her mind at all.

She just wanted to get out of the suffocating room.

Carefully she closed the door, exhaling a sigh as she looked around the hallways. The girl wiped her tears off which continuously fell no matter what she did.

She bit her inner cheeks to not make any sound, a single sound.
She rushed downstairs.

She dragged her feet, over and over.
Every night she just drags herself and her burdens.
Her tears and noisy mind followed her.

As she was going up a bridge, the noise kept getting louder but the world was quiet.

This was something she couldn't answer.  The quiet world was deafening, especially at times like this and she didn't know why.

She didn't know how to cope, what to do and how to block the nonexistent noises.

"It's not my fault, It's not my fault." She repeated over and over, hiccuping in between. Her hands found their way towards her ears, she covered it, thinking that maybe, she won't hear it.

If it was all in her mind, why is it so noisy?

The girl finally lost strength, she fell on the floor, her knees up-close to her as she continued to cover her ears. 'Seunghee, why are you still alive?' Her uncle's voice came on. 'You should've just died too.'

"Nono.. it isn't my fault." She sniffled. "I didn't do it. I'm sorry." She shook her head again. "It's not my fault." She said once more.
"Excuse me...." a boy spoke, dropping his plastic bag.

But the girl was too busy crying to even look up, she was absent in the real world. The voices swallowed her whole existence that she was in this dark dimension. Her breathing started to weaken again as she gasped for air.

Then, a jacket was gently placed on top of her, and she felt a soft and warm embrace of a person behind that jacket which covered her.
Seunghee transferred back into the present, continuing to try and regain her breathing.

"No... it's not my fault." The little girl cried in front of the house where she was sheltered. "It's not my fault, it's not my fault." She continued sobbing.

Twelve years old.
The voices still followed her even when she finally found a haven to settle in. She just didn't feel like she belonged there so she looked back on what might be the reason for her burden and a heavy heart.
Her hands covered her ears as she shook her head. "No no..." ——"It's not my fault."

She longed for air.
But she couldn't function.
She wanted to get rid of the pain.
But she couldn't be happy.

Suddenly, a jacket covered her and it helped her circulate her breathing. "I couldn't bear to see you crying.." a boy mumbles slowly removing the jacket from her face. "Jeongin.. it's not my fault." She replied after hearing the familiar voice.

The girl continued to cry as the boy nods, putting back the jacket on her before hugging the older one through the jacket. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you bad names.." the little boy said. "Please don't cry..."

"J...Jeongin.." was the first name that she could blurt out, not knowing why she did so but it was the only thing that came to her mind.

There was silence- except soft breaths that started to normalize and circulate properly in the jacket.

"누나.. (nuna/big sister for male)?"

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A/N: Honestly- what kdrama is this lol
The jacket probably doesn't make sense- but I made it like that since, just like bags when you have panic attacks, covering yourself in jackets or blankets, etc quite does the work on helping your breathing calm down. At least that's how it works for me-