Unfettered (Loki x Reader)

Chapter 10 - An Evening Visit

You laugh - a bitter, broken noise. "Thanks," you say. "But it's not a very nice bed time story."

Thor lets out a long, deep sigh. "When my brother and I were children, my mother used to say that the stories we cannot bring ourselves to tell oft turn into the nightmares from which we try to hide."

Your mind races as suddenly memory after memory of dark rooms and tear-stained faces pop into your head. Distant echoes of bloody pleas and broken wails cause your heart to race. Then, without warning, your being pulled toward Thor's memories again as he pulls apart your own hands, and a drop of blood rolls down your wrist from your picked-open scars. 

"Damnit," you seethe.

"You have done this before," Thor says, looking down at your scarred and bloody palm in concern. "Many times before," he states as he rips off a thin piece of his t-shirt and wraps it around your hand - tying it tight.

"They made me use this one to touch them all," you whisper hoarsely, clenching your left hand into a fist. "All the prisoners. The dead bodies. They always had me put this hand on its face."

Thor winces, brow furrowed in disgust and anger. 

"When it was over, I...I had to rub away that feeling," you continue. "I used to rub my palm until it bled. Until it was raw. Until I couldn't feel their faces anymore."

"It is monstrous," Thor seethes, still holding your fisted left hand loosely in his.

"This SHIELD agent - Phil - he helped me stop," you say, voice weak. "He said that just because I can still remember those faces under my hand doesn't mean that they're still there."

"Yes," Thor says somberly. "Phil, Son of Coul. I knew of him. He was of importance to you?" 

"Yeah," you say, choking back a tearful laugh. "He pulled me out of HYDRA," you say. "He saved me. And then I lost him. Just like that. And I was alone again."

Thor's jaw clenches. "I remember him well. He stood strong against-," Thor suddenly cuts himself off, almost violently as he swallows his words. His gaze flits to yours and he clears his throat. "He fought well against the invaders. He was a courageous man."

"He was the only one that didn't look at me like some kind of freak," you laugh tearfully. 

"I do not know what a freak is," Thor says, serious in his demeanor. "But I am most certain you are not one of them."

You huff out a laugh through your nose and shake your head, finally turning away from the window to face Thor. "I suppose that's why I got emotional," you say meekly. But Thor still doesn't understand, and he cocks his head in confusion. "I just mean that, you've always been there," you continue. "From that first moment we met on the balcony you...you weren't scared of my touch. Even though you were briefed on my powers."

Thor's face lights up with understanding, and he gives you a soft smile. "I was not afraid, no," he says warmly. "Although I was struck by your youth. I did not expect a woman only in her third decade to have to face my brother."

"But it's more than that," you insist. "I mean, you come when I call. You answer me truthfully. You trust me. I guess I thought I'd never have someone I could rely on like I did Phil...but I think I was wrong."

Thor laughs and closes the distance between you, wrapping you up once more into a tight embrace as silent tears fall down your cheeks, landing on the shoulder of his t-shirt. "Indeed, I would like to believe you were wrong. I intend to serve you as long as you have need of me here. But you should know, my lady, that the others value you as a member of its family. We will all come when you call."

Family. 

You once compared the Avengers to a dysfunctional family. But hearing the word said aloud, it finally feels...right. Maybe you are a family. All of you. In your own, strange way. 

"My Lady," Thor says hesitantly, loosening is grip on you. "May I ask a question?"

You sigh and pull away, drawing the blanket around your shoulders even tighter. "Sure," you say, steeling yourself for more questions about your time with HYDRA. 

"When you attacked upon my entrance, did you use your powers?" he asks. 

You bristle, your defenses immediately going up. You had. Unintentionally. And unintentional use of your powers is always punished. 

But Thor sees the way your eyes flash in fear, and immediately reaches for your hand, taking it gently. "I am not angry," he says softly. "I simply wish to understand what I saw."

Relieved, you take a small breath and clear your throat. "Yeah, I, umm...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. When I'm sleeping I can't exactly control...I mean that it's harder for me to-," Thor holds up a hand to stop your rambling. 

"I saw a memory flash before my eyes," Thor says. "One I have not thought on for many, many years. Did you see it too?"

"Yes," you exhale. "But...only pieces."

"Ah," Thor says, turning thoughtful. His silence makes you uneasy. 

"I swear, I didn't see much," you say. 

Thor seems to snap out of his reverie. "'Tis of no importance," he muses. "I simply find myself curious as to why you chose that one."

"I didn't," you say quickly. "I just...found it, I guess. A lot of people keep their most important memories closest. Even if they don't consciously realize it. I guess whatever I saw was part of one that you value the most. I'm sorry."

Thor remains silent as he ponders what you've said. As he thinks, so do you. You try to remember what you had seen. But all you can really remember is how he had felt in the moment. 

He was scared. Thor, God of Thunder, had been scared. 

The idea of a frightened god unsettles you. Gods aren't meant to feel fear. 

It makes you think about Loki. About his loneliness. His anger. His sense of betrayal. Your stomach starts twisting itself into knots knowing the question you must ask him next. 

"Thor," you say softly, pulling the blonde god's eyes back to yours. "I did actually have a reason for calling you." Thor arches a brow and gives you an encouraging nod. "I need to know something about Loki," you continue. 

"I will tell you all that I can, my lady," Thor says. "What is it you wish to know?"

You swallow nervously. "Before I ask, you have to understand that I'm not looking to place blame anywhere," you say. 

Thor's brow furrows, and he drops your hand as he watches you skeptically. "Aye," he muses. "Go on."

"And I'm assuming that you genuinely care about your brother," you say. 

"Of course I do," Thor frowns. 

You take a deep breath, and prepare to offend a god.

"So then why does Loki feel like you betrayed him?"