Forgotten Star Light

Chapter One

Deep breaths. Really deep breaths.

This has been my mantra for the last week. I stand next to Aunt Liza, holding my waist tightly as I try to keep the heavy, empty nausea in the pit of my stomach at bay. I peer down at my aunt's hands as she fidgets. She's been wringing her hands for as long as I've been forcing my mantra on repeat. I've zoned out most of the precession, just waiting for the moment that I can hide away in my room one last night. I don't want anyone else's pitying stares or condolences.

"Amelia and Peter were loved by their community and family..." Pastor Richards's voice filters in through my hazy attention.

Solemn faces are staring at me. staring at the identical holes in the ground. Some of the dirt crumbles into the hole they are lowering my mother 's coffin into. I realize too late that it has gone quiet. Looking up, I notice the pastor's eyes on me. I feel a slight nudge in my rib from my Aunt. He wants me to speak.

I wipe my clammy hands on my black pants, swallowing hard passed the lump forming in my throat.

I can't do this.

I try to open my mouth, only to claim it closed again.

I can't do this. I can't say goodbye. My guilt is suffocating me in this moment. We are here because of me. My panicked gaze flicks across the expecting faces of my parent’s friends, neighbors, and back to my aunt.

'I can't," I choke out on a shake. "I c-can't do this."

Her gaze is watery and pitying. I'm going to regret this, my in ability to say a final goodbye. Dark clouds start to roll in above us, the threat of rain seeming appropriate for today. I shake my head at Pastor Richards and he closes in a moment of silence before we are allowed to step up to the caskets. I place a lily on my mom's casket, followed by a picture of her and my dad on his so that they can stay together. The first drop of rain starts to fall and people start to head to their cars. Aunt Liza squires my shoulder before tuning away herself.

This is it; they are gone.

We sit in silence as Aunt Liza drives us back to my home. I can feel her staring at me every few minutes. I continue to ignore her, leaning with my forehead against the cool window, watching the rain drops slide down the glass. The thick green trees that make up our small-town blur together as we speed home.

The moment our times hit our driveway, my hand is itching to throw open my door and run. Aunt Liza barely has the car in park and I do just that. I burst through the front door and race up the stairs.

"Astin!" my aunt yells after me. My footsteps pound up the wooden staircase like they have for the last fifteen years. The third one from the top creaks its familiar groan.

I slam my door shut behind me, my back hitting the wood as I slide down. Hugging my knees to my chest, a dry sob escape from me. No tears fall. I haven't been able to cry any tears. The pain in my chest is excruciating and I let out a loud wail, slamming my head against the door.

I sit there until the sun has set and moonlight is filtering through my window. I take a last look around my room before finally stripping out of my funeral clothes and climbing in between the sheets. Tomorrow we will be leaving all of this behind. The for sale sign is already up in the front yard. I turn onto my side, pull my covers over my head, cocooning myself, and drift off.

The same nightmares plague me again tonight. I'm tortured with a sightless dream, only able to hear my mother call out to me over and over. Her screams are out of with a gurgling whimper. I run blindly trying to find her, but I never get close.

I wake drenched in sweat, my pale hair clinging to my face and chest. The sun hasn't risen yet, but I can hear my aunt moving around downstairs. I shower and get ready. Grabbing my two suitcases and backpack I slip out of my room for the last time. The stair at the top creaks, signaling to my aunt that I am on my way down. She meets me at the bottom and holds out her hand to help me bring my bags out to her SUV.

"I've got it auntie,” I mutter to her.

I bypass her and head for the door. I hear her sigh as she continues to gather her own bag and lock the front door behind her. I glance up at the house as I lift my luggage into the open back. Aunt Liza is still standing at the front door, her head bowed and right hand pressed against the front door. I hear her muttering, but can't make out what she says. I watch as her shoulders slump one last time before she lifts her hand away and turns towards me. I stare past her at the two story brick house that I've called home. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly before heading to the passenger door. She gets in the driver's seat and She looks at me one last time.

"Please, just g-go," I say to my lap. She starts the car and reverses out.

"Was there no one you wanted to say goodbye to Astin?" She asks me hesitantly.

"No, n-no one anymore," I say quietly.

I never had too many friends. My anxiety and stutter made me an easy target in school. I stopped trying a long time ago. The only friend I ever had was Liam.

He had moved in next door when I was seven. The little dark haired boy had run into me one day on his bike, knocking me over, scraping my knees and elbow when I landed hard on the pavement and we had been best friends ever since.

My finger skims over the discolored scar left from the deep scrape on my bare knee, as I think about him. He had been a year ahead of me in school. But he was my protector, my everything. Anyone who taunted me about my stutter or quiet demeanor got to deal with him. My blue-eyed savior. He moved away sophomore year. We had been texting and calling each other almost daily, then one day, it just stopped. It had been almost two years since I heard from him. I had texted and called him for almost five months until I finally gave in.

"I already have your enrollment set up at Havenview High," my aunt says after we had been on the road for a few hours, pulling me out of my daydreams and memories.

I nod at her in response, knowing she isn't looking at me for an answer. She continues on.

"You will start immediately Monday morning. Principle Meyers went ahead and sent me your schedule. They were able to match most of the courses you were already taking, but since you were taking primarily dual enrollment courses, you will be going to the community college in town to complete those. Havenview has a different program set up since we have the new college."

"Okay." It's all I feel the need to say.

Two schools. I was graduating as a junior this year. The point had been to finish, get out of town, and get away from the people that taunted me daily as soon as possible. I guess it was still working in my favor. I was leaving them all behind and only had one semester left. I will be in all senior classes. Outside, the rain is still falling, almost like the dark clouds were following us.

"I can't wait to be out of this weather," my aunt mutters. "Your cousin will drive you to school in the mornings by the way."

Jaxon has been out of the country for their winter break. I haven't seen him in about as long as I haven't seen Liam. He was always busy with football or track, and didn't make it to a lot of our family gatherings. Which were few anyway. Almost eleven hours later we had make it across the state border and are pulling into my aunt's driveway. Her house is opposite of my parents.

White panels line the exterior of the house and a bright red door sits right in the middle of a large front porch. Where my home had been dark red and brown, covered in bricks that created a sense of safety, this house provides me with no sense of that homely security.

As I get out of the suv, I stretch out my sides. A black mustang rumbles into the driveway next door. I make my way to the back of car to grab my bags. The mustang's doors slams as two bodies exit. I stare as I watch the driver's wide shoulders roll and the passenger start to head over to our car.

''Hi baby!" Aunt Liza calls out as she meets my cousin halfway across the front lawn. Jaxon's familiar brown eyes peek over his mom's head as the hugs her tightly. He dwarfs her, which means he finally hit his growth spurt and will be towering our my five foot three frame.

He lets go of his mom and meets me at the back of the car.

"Hey Tinsy," he murmurs as he pulls me in for a side hug. I flinch slightly at the old nickname my mom had started.

"H- hey J," I mutter back.

"How are you holding up?"

I shrug one shoulder in response. Movement back at the neighbor's catches my attention. I peer over Jaxon's shoulder as his ride comes into view. Dark, almost black hair, short on the sides and longer on top but pushed back, comes into view before familiar blue eyes land on me.

"Hi Liam, how are you doing sweetheart?" Aunt Liza asks as she hugs the much taller and broader torso of the familiar boy.

My breath burns like hot tar in my lungs.