1.1 | Desiderium ✓

49|forty nine

Her steps were not quick. They were slow, as if she was dragging herself to the door, without her will. 

Shin clutched the sleeves of his shirt tighter. They were friends. Best friends. He knew things would not return to normal, but things did not have to be so awkward either. They could work it out. They always worked things out. 

Shin inhaled a deep breath when he heard the lock turn from the inside and put on his best, unwavering smile. The door was pulled open and SooMin's face appeared on the other side. But before Shin could fathom the reason for her sunken eyes and colourless lips, the door slammed shut with whatever weak force the girl had. 

"Noona—" 

Shin blinked, and saw the picture of SooMin's face on his closed eyelids. She didn't look like how Shin remembered her. Hell, she didn't even look like that when… when she was bothered about YoonJae. 

"Noona," Shin knocked on the door, "are you there?" He stood still, ears pressed to the door. But there was no sound. No sound except the sound of his own wild palpitations. "Noona, it's me, Shinnie." 

Shin heard a noise. Perhaps that of her slumping down on the ground with her backs leaned on the doorframe. On the other side, Shin did the same. 

"Noona, I am really sorry, you know. And I miss you so terribly." Shin hugged his knees, his head resting on the wood as he said those words. "Noona I never meant to—" 

"Never meant to lie or never meant for me to find out?" SooMin's voice was quiet, her emotions restrained so much they barely scratched the surface. But that was what pained Shin. SooMin never hid her feelings. Yet, she was. 

"Noona I…" Shin was at a loss of words. His past did not concern her. It did not concern anyone but then, but then he himself was the person who owned it. Who could own up to it. "It doesn't matter, you know. I am still the same person, I am still…" 

"You are still?" 

For a moment, Shin was thankful he couldn't see her. If he did, maybe he would start crying. "Why does it matter, Noona? I am still the same Tae Shin." 

When she didn't answer for a long time and Shin's calves began to ache, the boy stood up and pressed his head to the door, thinking she had left already and he was talking to air. Just when he turned to leave, the door knob clicked and SooMin pulled the door open. 

"You do not know how it feels when someone closest to your heart lies to you, Shin," said SooMin, looking straight at Shin. "You do not know how it feels to be lied to, to be hidden things from… you do not know." 

"Noona I —" 

The door slammed shut again before Shin could say a word. Shin rushed back to the door and pounded his balled fist on the wood, "SooMin Noona, please." 

"Don't make this harder than it already is, Shin. Please," SooMin's voice was painful to even hear, "just leave." 

"But I am still here," Shin cried out, desperate to give an answer and keep the conversation going on. "You can still call me, always at an arm's reach away, eh? You know that Noona, you know that." Shin's lips trembled and he felt like he was about to cry. But he had made a promise to JaeHwan. 

He would not cry. 

He could not have cried. 

Shin was tired of crying. 

"You know that, right? That I will always be here?" 

"Please just go." 

Shin's fists fell down to his sides, limp, lifeless. He could not move them, strangely, even if he wanted to. As if there was a barrier between him and her and he was the one who had put it up there.