SidNaaz : Contemplating Insecurities

Chapter 99

I see everyone scattered around as I enter. Rubina seemed to be the only other person not ready. The obvious reason of not having most of her clothes. I dismiss the thought removing off to grab my own. I had yet to iron them. I pick the suit out of the bag, it was really light and simple. Unlike most of my last years darker hues. I pick up a simple white shirt to go under it, grabbing the shoes I needed. The lunch and dinner seems to have arrived, the boxes already sorted to the people. I let the conversation continue gesturing Gauhar to put mines away for now. I frown getting to the steam iron, I hadn't done this myself a lot, having almost no clue on what to do with no one to hold the clothes up. Figuring out a quick way, I put the clothes on the bed, stretching the wire to make it reach. I missed being treated like I was last year. That seemed more selective treatment than being a senior.

The weekend shoot goes good. A few laughs and a lot of being told off. I manage to stick through the same, having my food in portions during the breaks. I myself had almost reacted like the rest of the crew to the "shaadi" statement, having almost forgotten the Balika Vadhu episodes having reaired. My mind had gone back to Shehnaaz instantly. As if that wasn't already obvious enough. Salman sir had seen her on set that day, having kept it to himself and I, assured that he'd figured out we were more than what we'd been last year. I let the thought pass focusing back to what he was saying.

The next evening :

"Tu itna dead kyun hai?.. come out of that zone" Hina mumbled rubbing her hand against my outstretched leg as she moved away. I simply gave her a slight nod. They'd done exactly what I'd thought they would, making me wait longer for the calls by giving random excuses, the latest one being that she hadn't received the call. I doubted that was true but alas from all I knew it might as well just be. She may have been rightfully angry, disappointed perhaps... there was nothing I could assure myself with. I get up moving back to the smoking room, giving up on trying to refrain myself. My head was aching, the thought of how things were outside, especially for her, leaving me pondering my days away. There wasn't anyone in the house that could distract me from that either, the contestants were simply trying to all be people pleasers except Nikki. I liked her for at least holding her stance, playing for herself and succeeding as well. However I'd heard things being said inside itself, a few of them having thought that I was siding with her, I hoped there wasn't a havoc regarding the same outside though I was sure it wouldn't have been brushed off. Inhaling a dragged smoke I lean back into the chair, taking another, letting the flame finish it off. Rahul came outside a few minutes later, eyeing me from where he sat. I'd taken a seat on the sofa beside the pool, looking into the silent garden area. Our season was all in all so much more fun. The games and pranks we did hadn't been telecasted but there were definitely a few to remember. I smile at the thought, continuing to think on to the night I'd returned from the hospital. We'd sat outside for so much longer, having had an easy conversation if everything I'd seen. She'd seemed so elated that day, simply listening to whatever I had to say while her eyes darted all over the bandages and my seemingly sullen face. I sigh, coming back into the moment as Gauhar takes a seat upon the chair in between where I and Rahul sat. I shook my head as she passes me a concerned look, there was no way I could blurt out what I was feeling or even thinking for the most.

I stay seated awhile, answering questions Rahul put forward about the last season. The conversation however was quick to transition back to bb7 and the tasks that used to take place back then. I took the time to go back into my thoughts, wishing to be called into the confession room before the lights were put out. I hadn't been able to sleep at all for at least the last 2 days, constantly waking up to my thoughts even if I dozed off. Sighing I try to focus back into the house I was living in, analyzing what I'd thought the people would do in my own mind, missing being able to discuss it without being constantly intervened. I return to my bed watching as HK and Nikki slipped away, perhaps discussing something they wanted to keep between them two. I don't stop them or pass a comment like I would usually, instead I pull my covers over my legs, adjusting the three extra pillows I had against myself before laying back.