Joan Undone

Chapter 40

"We will do no such thing. The vid we make of our heroic victory will have a bigger impact if the audience can see the faces of the lives we have saved."

"But the risk, if we fail...Evolved lives would be lost too."

"An acceptable risk. The footage will only be used if it tells the story we want it to."

"Got it," I say, allowing some of my disgust to leak into my tone.

Lexi ignores me. "When Blake completes the video of Strand's triumph over the rebellion, you and the other Throwbacks I selected will be expected to perform some publicity tours. Reassure the public that Throwbacks can be trusted and such. If you perform adequately, you will be compensated. If you fail, you will be retired. Along with your entire team."

My hands start to shake, so I clench them into fists. Lexi notices.

"Do not doubt that I can have you all retired. There will be no trial. The chip in your head is more than a tracking device and a behavior modification tool. It also has a kill switch, to put down Throwbacks who get out of line."

My heart thuds in my chest as the magnitude of her revelation settles in my mind. "If you have that 'kill switch,' why does Crew live?"

Lexi shrugs, but I can see the irritation in her flushed cheeks. "The Beakers convinced an Evolved traitor in Strand's laboratory to disconnect them. You and your friends will not be so lucky."

I scowl at her to hide my relief. She doesn't know about the Annex yet—either Crew's or ours.

"Harriet, Nic, and I will be ready when you call on us," I say, looking her in the eyes.

Convinced that I'm going to follow her directions, she waves me away. As I take the elevator down to the lobby, I picture the day Harriet burns this unholy company and everything it represents to the ground.

~ ~ ~

Harriet drops me off at Addie's apartment, and my whole body sags as soon as I'm out of her sight. For the first time since the raid of the Chrysalis, I'm alone. I don't have to pretend, to lie. It's a relief, even if it only lasts until I open the door to Addie's apartment and see the three people who love me the most in the world for the last time.

Addie has programmed her security system to open the apartment after a scan of my retina. It's old technology, but better than nothing. Inside, it smells like homemade chicken noodle soup and Addie's flowery shampoo.

Addie is curled up on a secondhand couch with a faded pattern of roses. She rises when she sees me and grips me in a tight hug.

"When I saw the police taking out all those body bags from the Chrysalis on the evening news, I thought you might be in one," she says, half sobbing.

"I'm so sorry it took me so long to text you. I was broken by what happened yesterday."

Addie pulls back so she can study my expression. "And you are not yet put back together, I see."

I turn my face away, because she can read it too well. An image of my parents appears on the security tablet installed next to the door, and Addie lets them in.

Dad pulls me into his arms while Mom hangs back, wringing her hands.

"Will this nightmare ever end? Every morning, I wake up terrified that you've been killed," she says.

My heart hurts at the love written on my parents' faces. In a couple of days, my mom will wake up to find that what she has been so scared of has come true. Reassuring them of my safety would be too much of a lie, even for me.

"I'm making a difference," I say instead. "I'm part of a cause I believe in. It's dangerous, but it's worth it. The world is going to change, and it gives my life meaning knowing that I'm helping make it better."

I hope they remember my words when I'm gone.

"Let us talk of other things," Addie says in her quiet voice.

So we do. Addie made one of her home-cooked dishes, and for the first time, she eats with us instead of serving us. Mom and Dad tell me about how they've been tapping into their social networks to fill out Aft's ranks with some liberal Evolved members. Addie entertains us with stories of her new job working as an assistant at the Emerald City News.

An arrow of pain slices through me as I remember how Elizabeth wheedled her uncle into giving Addie the job.

My heart is so full of love and pain that it's hard to breathe, never mind eat. Only Addie notices that I'm pushing food around on my plate instead of inhaling it like I usually do, but she doesn't say anything.

I push my chair away from the table and stand. If I stay here another minute, Addie will figure out how broken I am, and never let me out of her house.

"I love you all," I say, the words awkward on my tongue.

There is so much more I want to say, but a lump is rising in my throat.

"Don't go yet," Mom pleads. "Addie made dessert."

"My team needs me. You guys stay. It will make me happy tonight, thinking of the three of you here, eating Addie's cake together."

Mom's forehead wrinkles, perplexed, but she lets me go. I force myself not to run to the door. I make it outside the building before the tears come.

There's a person sitting on the curb who stands when I release a little sob. Through my blurry vision, I recognize Nic.

"Harriet told me you were here. I'll walk you back," he says.

I let him interlace his fingers with mine. In spite of my conflicted feelings toward him, his touch is a comfort.

"Everything's a mess," I admit as we make our way to the entrance to the Lab a few blocks down the street.

"We'll make it right," Nic says. He sounds so certain.

I eye his profile and have to admit that Lexi was right about Nic being handsome. Will he waste his life after I die? Will it be an excuse to stay strung out on Amp until he overdoses?

I should know better than to hope that any words could ever talk an addict out of his addiction, but it gives me peace to try. "I was so angry at you yesterday. But it's because I care about you so much."

"I am not worth such feeling," he mutters.

"You are more than your addiction, your past, your DNA. You are good and kind. I know you have it in you to be a part of changing the world."