The Unsaid Thoughts

Life

Life.

The question which troubles me every time.

What actually happens in afterlife?

Is there really an afterlife?

Do we feel any anything or we are just numb?

Where does all the moments we spent in this life goes?

The real question is - am I scared of dying?

This is a question which one should ask themselves every day.

With each passing day we find a reason because of which we pray for our good health and good future.

To be honest I am scared of dying, scared of leaving this world, scared of what actually lies ahead, scared of forgetting all the good moments, scared of losing a loved one.

Eyes fill with tears and breathing becomes difficult. It almost feels as if the world around me is collapsing.

Negativity around me crosses its limit line.

What I actually feel is that the positive aura which I built around myself in the past years is breaking. No matter how much I try to push those negative thoughts away, they always find a way back and succeed in breaking me down.

What frustrates me the most is that I cannot find an exact explanation for this feeling.

People at times think I am just over thinking, I might be but I cannot be at fault when all I can feel is being pushed down by this negative force which might lead me to take some wrong step.

My will power is strong, but the question is will it last for long?

One-and-a-half-year back, it was then when I started to feel this unknown force around me.

(Back to that specific day)

Its 10th September 2019, today is the day when I am going to have my operation of ENT (Ears, Nose & Throat). The ride to the hospital was calm and silent. The birds are chirping outside the hospital room. The view from my room can calm anyones nerves down. The operation is at eight am so currently its seven- thirty am. I am scared yes but they say its a minor surgery of one hour. Worry is clearly visible on my mothers face and my father is worried too but due to his bold nature one cannot easily read his face. I was busy looking outside the window when the nurse entered and asked me to follow her. I said goodbye to my parents and went inside the operation room to get ready.

The anesthesiologist is really handsome I must say. We have a small conversation and got to know about each other, basically just to distract me. But after few minutes when I felt my hand going numb, I regret not bringing my teddy bear along. As my hand and other limbs are going numb one by one, I have to count till ten and breath in and out through the Nebulizer? No wait this is something else. I started counting and as I counted my eyelids became heavy and I went into deep sleep.

I woke up after one hour I guess and felt someone poking my throat with something, bright light caused me to close my eyes again and all I saw was darkness.

I woke up again and felt as if someone was moving my bed. I was able to hear voices, see people talk around me but I was not able to move my limbs. My brain was active but it was useless at the moment.

I heard the doctor say, Ananya we know you can hear us. Can you look around and try to find your mother? unknowingly, my hand went towards my left side and there she was, my mother. Eyes swollen and a smile on her face. I smiled back slightly and got surrounded by darkness again.

Next, I woke up and was up for a long time. It felt as if I had been sleeping for days when it was actually just a few hours. My family was sitting on the sofa and were talking. I got discharged the same day as my vitals were normal. But had to deal with one week of recovery period.

This was my first operation experience but there are many things which are better to be left unsaid.

What actually haunts me is the time when I was given anesthesia. I was not even able to count three and went into deep slumber. No dreams. No brightness. Only darkness. I had no idea where I was during that one hour. No memory. Nothing at all. It was as if you fell asleep and woke up the next moment.

What if something similar happens in afterlife? One breathes his last breath and goes into deep slumber and opens his eyes looking at unfamiliar faces no memory of his past life.

There are so many questions which keep me awake at night. But there are answers to none. If there are any answers, they are hidden deep inside.

Whats your opinion on afterlife and the thoughts which haunts you at night?