𝙒𝙤𝙡𝙛𝙨𝙗𝙖𝙣𝙚 || 𝙍. 𝙇𝙪𝙥𝙞𝙣

Slipping Through Their Fingers

Remus helped her dry off and change into pyjamas. Together, they walked to their bedroom and Ast laid in the bed. Remus crawled in next to her. She dozed off to sleep on his chest while he stroked her hair.

She was finally free.

*****

The rain pressed down on the window. Ast lifted her finger up and traced the droplets as they fell down. She still ached a bit, not as much as she used to. She hugged her knees close to her chest and rested her face on the cool window.

It had been a month since she escaped from that cellar. It crept into her dreams, pulling her back down into its darkness. The countless cruciatus curses had taken a toll on her body. It was too weak, too frail. She couldn't move the way she used to. It was a miracle that she wasn't dead. That would've been better anyway. She felt like a burden on everyone else. She couldn't even look after herself.

She didn't know why Remus still looked after her, she thought he hated her. That it was all her fault, she didn't listen to his warnings and she had to pay the price. They should've just left her there, to rot and be forgotten. She didn't talk much, it drained too much energy.

She remembered eating bread and water, she remembered the smell. She remembered the curses. The pain. But she couldn't remember what she did with herself during the time she was there.

Ben loved her, that was the whole reason why she was there in the first place. All because of some petty jealousy that nearly ended up with her getting killed.

Someone knocked on the door and opened it. Remus came in. She hadn't talked to him much, purely because of the guilt. She'd rather him leave her alone, with her intrusive thoughts.

"James and Lily have gone into hiding," he said.

Her head turned to fully face him, "oh,"

He came and sat down next to her on the windowsill. He looked tired, dark rings had formed under his eyes. She guessed she wasn't the only one with sleepless nights. She was beginning to lose her trust in him after what Voldemort said to her. His words stuck in her mind, manipulating her thoughts. Sometimes she wondered whether he was right, sometimes she completely hated everyone.

Her mind felt exposed, she felt like everyone read her thoughts. It was torture. Back in the cellar, sometimes she would merely think negatively of Voldemort or Ben and they'd crucio her.

"Asteria," Remus said, his voice was trying to sound comforting. "Are you alright, love?"

Love. The word burned a hole in her mind. Did he really love her? Or was everything just an act? What if everyone was just acting?

His eyes stared into hers, seeking answers. She gave him a mere shrug, she didn't want to talk about it. He held her hand and gave it a little pat.

"You know I'm always here for you right?" He says.

She nodded.

"And that I'll always love you?"

She nodded again. His face fell, as if expecting her to reply.

"I'm sorry," she said, "for everything I've caused-"

"Hey hey hey, don't start this again." Remus brought his hands to her cheeks and kissed her lips. "You've always helped me with my transformations, let me help you this once."

*****

Months had gone by, and Ast had gotten better. The nightmares still tormented her but by now it seemed like they were going to take permanent residence in her dreams. She didn't visit the Order much anymore, she just stayed at home and looked after Iris.