The Last Time We Met

31

All I needed was the love you gave

All I needed for another day

And all I ever knew

Only you

This song always made me think of Chris and Brent and how all they had to do was look at each other across a crowded dance floor to feel that pull. I thought back to that day at the antiques co-op, how Cedric had grabbed my hand, how I hadn't pulled away, even though I'd never considered myself as anything but straight. How I looked at him and recognized something.

This is going to take a long time

And I wonder what's mine

Can't take no more

Wonder if you'll understand

It's just the touch of your hand

Behind a closed door

Cedric had been right, this song was sad. It was a love song for a relationship that was over. Like our relationship. "I'm going," he had said. It was final. No room for compromise. He shouldn't have to compromise his beliefs for me.

It would be better if we broke up, like Mom said. I wouldn't have to go through all the grief when he died.

The thought emptied me out.

I tried to imagine going to back to who I had been before Cedric. My neat and ordered life. My photography, devoid of any people. My room filled with artifacts of someone else's life. I'd had a framed photograph of someone else's soulmate at my bedside.

Chris hadn't moved on after Brent's death. Theodore had never remarried. What kind of a life would I have, if Cedric died? I didn't want to mourn him for the rest of my days. Or see him again and again, in other bodies that also would die.

I shut off the Walkman. Songs never talked about how to move on after that person you loved was gone forever, taken from you. Sure, there were songs about moving on after a breakup and you knew the person didn't want you, or you didn't want them.

Dread coiled in my stomach as the day went on, and the sky darkened into twilight. Cedric would be leaving now. Surely he was already there. If there was a chance for me to change my mind and tell him I would go to the protest with him, it was gone.

"I'm going," he had said. But then I remembered he had said he would talk to me later. If that was true, why had he ignored my calls and texts? I opened my phone. I needed to talk to someone. I called Eli.

"What's up?" he said before the camera had activated, then, "Oh shit. What happened?"

I winced at my own image in the bottom corner of the screen. Even that small, my eyes were red and my skin pale, my hair flat and unwashed. "Uh, Cedric and I had a fight."

"Shit, dude. Your prom is tomorrow." Eli hadn't seemed too upset when I'd told him that Mom would only allow Cedric to come over. Eh, dating virtually sucks. I don't really have a date. It was cool to be part of your promposal, though.

"I know."

"So, what was the fight about? The usual?"

"No," I mumbled. I took a deep breath, preparing myself. I had called him to tell him about it, I needed to say the words and not wait for him to drag them out of me. "Cedric is going to the protest in San Jose tonight."

Eli grimaced. "For real? I've been seeing videos of the protests... shit's getting crazy, man."

"Yeah," I exhaled. I had to wipe my eyes again. Eli had seen me cry before, but not like this. "Um, I told him I didn't want him to go. But he said he was going anyway."

"Shit," Eli said again. "Was he mad?"

"Yeah. I mean, I know it isn't fair to tell him I don't want him to stand up for what he believes in, but... I don't want him to die."

Eli nodded. "You know, things are escalating out there. I heard Trump was calling in the National Guard. That was Minneapolis, though. Maybe San Jose is doing a peaceful protest. You know, like the one they're doing here on Sunday. Like, I don't think you have to worry that he'll get shot or tear-gassed or whatever."

I realized Eli thought I was worried about his personal safety during the protest. "I'm more worried that he'll get COVID. No one at the protests look like they're social distancing."

"Oh." Scratching his stubble – Eli clearly hadn't shaved in a couple of days – he said, "Are you still freaked out that he's going to die of COVID?"

Eli knew all about my past lives, yet he sounded doubtful. I swallowed around the giant lump in my throat, and nodded.

"Look, I don't want to tell you that you're wrong, or whatever, but Cedric is young and healthy. Most of the people dying of this are elderly."

"Or they have pre-existing conditions," I added.

"Yes... but does Cedric have one of those?"

"He could."

Eli's brown eyes studied me through the phone camera. "Then I guess you need to decide if you want to stay with him. If you can deal with him putting himself at risk, because you love him, or if what he's doing is destroying your mental health."

He had boiled it down to the essential question. I nodded, blinking as I looked around my room. The past eight months had been the best of my life. Okay, the last two had been pretty awful. That was COVID's fault, not Cedric's. Or was it?

Eli continued, "Dude, you used to be the most mellow, head-on-straight guy I ever met. You were the even keel to my ship of tumultuous love affairs. Even after you met Cedric, and it was pretty clear you were off the deep end for this guy – look at me, making an extended metaphor! – you were so steady I never thought anything could rock your boat. But since corona... I mean, to be fair, lots of people are really anxious now who weren't before. But since corona, you've been kinda freaking out. Like, have you thought about seeing a therapist or something? They do virtual therapy now."

My immediate thought when Eli finished talking was that therapy wasn't going to solve my problems with Cedric. "Maybe," was all I said.

"I'm kinda surprised your mom went straight for the brain tumor thing rather than some weird holistic shit she learned from watching that Gwyneth Paltrow show." Eli shook his head. "My mom binge-watched that. She wanted me to take a cold shower to improve my mental health. Like, that's where I draw the line."

"Yeah," I said, then, "She probably wouldn't suggest it unless I told her I needed a therapist. She thinks I'm miserable because I can't see Cedric."

"Well, she might have something there. You know, you gotta work that libido to keep your endorphins on track. And I know you were workin' that libido hardcore with your boy."

I had to laugh a little. "Sure. It's because I'm not having enough sex."

"Definitely. I know I am going a little mad over here. Jax and Marlo are obsessed with Animal Crossing. Like, I don't understand the appeal? You don't get to kill anyone? It's these fucking cutesy animals and shit. They're the ones who need therapy, in my opinion."

It felt good to talk to Eli like things were normal. By the time I hung up with him, I felt better. More my old self. I even managed to have dinner with Mom. After my half-finished breakfast, I was actually hungry. I followed Eli's advice and asked Mom about starting some kind of therapy. She nodded and said it would probably be a good idea for her, too. "This lockdown thing has us all spinning our wheels a bit," she said.

By the time I went to bed, I wondered if this could be it. Could I break up with Cedric and free myself of the anxiety I'd been feeling since the pandemic hit? When I closed my eyes, I dropped off into a deep sleep, the kind of untroubled sleep I hadn't enjoyed in months.

When I woke up, however, it was a different story.

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Have you ever been in a relationship that makes you unhappy?  And does all this mean James and Cedric should break up?