Save Myself // Larry Stylinson

Chapter 27

But that would take courage.

Courage wasn't typically something that Louis had. His defining traits were typically cowardice, defeat, brokenness—but Terri had called him brave, and maybe that meant he could be.

Before Harry got another rational word out, Louis forced the words out of his chest.

"I should tell you something."

Harry turned around, looking away from his computer and faced Louis who was sitting cross-legged in the middle of Harry's bed, trying to hold himself together.

Harry must have known. He must have had some idea of what Louis was about to say because his eyes locked onto Louis and he pressed his lips together—like what he'd been talking about no longer mattered because all he cared about was whatever Louis was about to say.

"Tell me what?"

There was only a half a second of hesitation—just a brief consideration that Louis could just bite down on his tongue and keep it to himself—but he challenged it. He pushed past it quickly and the words fell from his lips without much purpose or expectation. He didn't get to have expectations—not anymore. He'd already ruined enough things, his only option now was transparency. He had to sit there and lay out everything bad he'd ever done for Harry and ask him to care anyway. Harry couldn't give him the answer he wanted if he didn't at least at the question.

"I love you."

Louis saw the second that the words struck Harry and the sharp inhale of breath. And really, they were just words. They weren't enough, Louis knew that, but if felt like he needed to get it out there.

Harry looked like he was searching for words. Undoubtedly, he was searching for words to tell Louis that he was flattered, really, but it wasn't the same now. Things had changed. He'd just shown up at Harry's front door with literal blood on his hands and asked him for help after he'd given nothing for weeks—for months, actually—and it wasn't the same. It couldn't be the same for Harry, not after everything and even as Louis contemplated that fact, he still didn't see a reason to stop. Harry deserved the truth.

"I was a coward," his voice was quiet, but certain in a way that the typically wasn't, "you showed me something I didn't understand. You showed me compassion and companionship and the rest of it? It all just happened without me deciding and I think that was the scariest part. You showed me something that no one in my life had ever shown me—not even my own mother—and it scared me. It scared me that I didn't know if I could trust it, I didn't know if it was going to be taken away because I don't have the best track record in getting the things I want..." he inhaled, forcing his gaze to meet Harry's, "I was a coward and you deserve better than that, I know, but I still had to tell you. Its the only thing I've thought about since that night at your mum's when you thought I was asleep—and so, I guess you already knew, but I'm telling you now because I need to. Because you deserve to know."

Still, Harry didn't speak, Louis just watched as tears welled up along his waterline.

"And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't better—that I'm still not better. I'm sorry I couldn't give you everything you needed."

Louis watched the stream of tears as they made their way down Harry's cheeks. He tracked the movement, because what else was he supposed to do? Harry wasn't saying anything it was starting to feel like someone was pressing a dull butterknife into his stomach and twisting it, trying to cause the most agony possible. Yeah, that's what it was. It was agony and Louis didn't know what he should have expected. Did he honestly think that Harry was going to jump up from his chair and scoop him into his embrace and tell him that everything was okay? That Louis had never hurt him?