Save Myself // Larry Stylinson

Chapter 23

But he didn't. And Harry didn't. Harry was too wrapped up in a world full of poetry and butterflies and romantic cliches and Louis imagined that he would probably never see things the way that Zayn did. Louis wished he could be the same as Harry. Wished that he could just brush off Zayn's cynicism and continue to dive in head-first without restraint—but Zayn was right. Zayn had been consistently right and Louis' couldn't be naive enough to ignore that fact. As lovely as things had been with Harry the previous night, the only real hope they had at sustainability was their friendship. It had worked without a hitch for months and Louis had to get it back to that place. He had to make Harry see things for what they really were.

They were going to break and Louis wasn't going to be able to handle it.

"Hey," said Zayn, shaking Louis' shoulder lightly until Louis met his eyes, "You and Harry work. There's no sense in questioning that because I said something stupid. I'm fucked up, Louis. I'm fucked up the most when it comes to Liam. I can't see any of it for what it really is and I really had no right to say those things. Just because I'm scared doesn't make me right. Harry cares about you more than you know and you can't fuck that up just because I said something dumb. I'm scared, okay?"

"Yeah," said Louis, not really knowing what he was even agreeing to.

"It's okay if you're scared, but, like, don't be stupid like me. Don't make a choice out of fear."

...

Louis had left Zayn's with a lot of mixed feelings. He had sat on the couch next to Zayn for hours while listening to Zayn attempt to retract his words. Zayn was a great friend, was the thing. Louis didn't understand how he'd ended up with one of those in his life, but he could see it and he appreciated it. Zayn was fully and truly convinced that Harry and Louis belonged together.

It was kind of him to try to talk Louis out of his spiral, but Louis knew it was all in vain, because Zayn was right. Any way he looked at it, things were going to end badly. Though to vehemently denied it, no matter now many times Louis said it, Zayn was right. He was right to keep Liam at a distance and Louis would have done well to do the same thing with Harry.

But he wasn't. His head and his heart wanted vastly different things. His head kept telling him that it just made sense to detach, to beg Harry to take things back to where they'd been...but his heart? His heart wanted to just throw itself directly into the fray. His heart wanted to abandon all rationale and steal Harry away from the rest of the world. He wanted to live in the tiny bubble that had just been them after the moment Louis had dragged him out onto the balcony. He wanted the rest of the world to keep not mattering. He wanted he and Harry to have a future—to stand a chance. He wanted to defy the picture of relationships that had been painted for him his entire life.

Maybe it was dumb. Maybe it was was naive as his head was convinced, but it seemed that even though his instincts were pulling him in a million different directions (the two strongest being towards Harry and away from him). There was something inside of him that knew it was going to break. That there would come a point when Harry realized that he wasn't enough, that he wasn't good enough and Louis wanted to be properly prepared for that moment. Louis had an innate instinct to ruin things before they even had a chance to get good so that the fall was all within his control. He'd never been able to control any part of his life, and breaking things seemed to be the only thing he was good at. It was a terrible affliction and he prayed that he wasn't going to do that with Harry. He didn't want to break it before Harry could. He wanted to coddle it and hold it close for as long as he could. Even if they were doomed to expire, Louis could have it while it lasted. He could let himself be blind to the rest and deal with it when it happened.