Hey Anny I'm sorry I just can't do this anymore. I want to take a break, I love you so much and I don't think you realize. I want to apologize for being really distant at times, for not answering your texts, invites, words. I'm just trying my best and no one seems to notice, I'm getting worse and worse everyday. I feel like everyone just thinks I'm okay, it's honestly starting to piss me off. Many things have started pissing me off lately, people talking too much, (not you, you are perfectly fine.) Slow walkers, not being able to eat when I set a goal for me to lose weight. Oh, did I tell you? I can feel my rib now, and guess what that means. I lost weight, and I'm happy! That's a lie. But sadly this doesn't mean I'm staying. I've Been thinking about self harm, how life would be without me, how most people probably think I'm a nuisance, ridefly, bitch, useless cunt, annoying, whore, slut, player, asshole. I've just wanted to disappear without a trace for at least a year now. I know you want me to come to you for help, but now it's just a scream for help and I don't wanna die and I just want to love you and I can't leave you alone because you mean the world to me. I'm so sorry, that was a rant. But it's to the point now where I'm scared for myself. I can't even see where I'm going to be in 3 years. And Anny. Go ahead and tell everyone else about this because I don't give a shit what happen to me anymore. I've been lying about my age. I'm actually 13. I was born on 9/7/2007. I've been wanting to tell you this for so long but I just didn't want you to hate me and not trust me anymore. I meant EVERY word I ever said to you. I love you so much and I don't ever want to leave you. But since I exposed myself. I need to take a break, get over myself, take some time alone, try to take care of myself, lose some weight, focus on myself is my guess. Practice guitar and my skateboard, fix my grades, sleep schedule, health, personality, confidence, hair. I'm so sorry for lying to you. Just remember that I will always be by your side and reason with you and I will make a death wish for anyone who hurts you. I know I may have annoyed you at times, be mean to you. But I promise you that was never me, it was someone else, if you don't know what I'm meaning by that. It means that it was a different me. She comes out when I'm at my lowest and most vulnerable. And can you make sure you tell Eddy that I love him and miss him so fucking much. And I'm so sorry that I always had mixed feelings, it's just who I am. I never mean any of those mean things I've ever said to any of you. I love both of you so much, I don't think you understand. I've always wanted to say this to the world. I am not fine. I haven't been since months before my parents go divorced. My life shattered right there. And I can't go back in time to fix it because I don't know who's fault it was. My dad says that my mom lied to get out of the marriage for a divorce, but if so, why did she want out in the first place? And then my mom says that my dad did bad things to her. And I don't know who to believe, so I guess I'm just going to grow up without knowing what parent to trust. Hell, I can't even trust myself. I can't walk near an edge without thinking of breaking a bone of jumping off. I go in the kitchen and I see a knife and I have the urge to stab myself in the chest and bleed out. If anything my plan of suicide out of this stupid fucking world would be to slit my neck, wrists and bleed out. Or drown, a slow painful death. And don't say I don't deserve it. Because I do for all the pain I put into everyone. Now I'm saying this and it's going to be a goodbye for around a month until I come back. Maybe ill have my life sorted out, maybe not. But I will know that you are going to be fine, it may take you awhile to get over me, but once you will, all I will be is a memory. Someone forgotten, and plus. You have all of those friends of yours, Janelle, Bella, Savanah, and Gavin. You love him right? Fight for him. He loves you more than anything. I wish I could be there for you, but I can't when I can barely keep myself sane. I may be overly "confident" at times but it's just an act. My acting skills must be pretty good right? No one realizes until I tell them. And when I do they think I'm exaggerating or lying for attention. Yeah I may be ignorant, but at least I don't play fake with people. I don't leave them alone. that was a lie. I'm a terrible person. I'm cramping and it hurts, it feels like my insides are being stabbed by a million small knives. I want to die. That was a lie, I'm scared Anny. Help me because I can't help myself. Why does life have to be so hard? Why can't everyone just be happy? Oh hey, 40 more words until 1000 words. I've written you this much. Why am I doing this? You probably don't care. I'm so sorry for doing this before your birthday. I still have to think of your birthday present. I'm so sorry. I hate myself, I can't do anything right anymore. I ruin people's friendships and relationships. I even ruin mine. I need to change. But it's so hard to. I wish I could make people happy, I do sometimes. But then they leave. They leave without a warning. Just disappear. And I'm going to do that soon. Don't worry ill be back in a month and a half. Or less. Or more, it depends. But what I want you to do. Is love yourself for who you are because you can't hate yourself, you have so much ahead of you. And don't say that I do too, because I don't. I can't see myself in 3 years. I barely want to do anything in life, life can go fuck itself because all it does is make myself feel worthless. I'm so sorry. I can't bare the thought of losing you. But when I do leave, can u promise me that you'll post on my tiktok account? Please. I'll them I'm taking a break but if you want you can post. I love you, I don't wanna lose you but I'm a terrible friend. I can't even take care of myself. I make mistakes, too many to be exact. It makes people hate me. Maybe I should just give up o. People, Relationships, Myself. You're one of the only people that care. And I love you so much for that. I hate the thought of us fading. But you're gonna start to forget me. Now or never right? Ill be back in around a month okay? I love you, don't get into too much trouble, stay healthy with Gavin, love yourself. You only have 15 days left until you're 14. And I'm so proud of you. I'm so sorry for lying to you about my age. Its just something I've kinda always done. It started when I was 9-10. My first online friend group and relationship. I miss it but at the same time I don't. I still talk to half of them here and there, but it awkward. Well, I love you. I'm sorry to do this, but. I have to go now. Make sure you tell Eddy that I care for him more than anything. But I'm taking this break for myself. Bye. I love you.
-Emma <3
Make sure you take care of yourself, you're so strong and capable of anything. Don't let anyone bring you down. I love you so much. <3
