Once the storm is over

Prologue

"You know it has always been you right?" tears are in her eyes. She smells like a thousand heartaches and her touch feels like a million question marks. She wonders a lot, too much maybe. She probably had been thinking about saying these words for months, yet she chose now to spill them.

"I can't go through with this Crynn. I can't." His voice was begging for mercy, for a way out of her heart.

"I know. I know I shouldn't be asking you this." At this point she was more talking to herself than to him. She tilts her hand letting him escape out of her grip. The last drop of understanding slipping through underneath her fingers. She should have told him earlier. She left him wondering about her, about them.

"It is just... You get me. There simply isn't another way to put it. When I don't even seem to understand myself. You, you always know just the right words to say. When I am a whirlwind of a person, a mess of smirky comments, bad habits and even worse ideas, you are there. And your saying 'it is going to be okay,' it is enough to calm down every nerve in my body. Your arms around my body and in an instant the storm lays down. I am understood, not by me, but by you. When I see nothing but darkness you teach me how to see the light." She sighs a light smile is around her face. It was okay, she would be okay. She had to let him go, she had to let him grow.

"Did you know I am seeing a therapist?" He shakes his head, he didn't know. He never knew what was going on in her head or in her life for that matter. That was exactly what made it so complicated to love her.

"She told me something. I don't seem to get it out of my head, it was the most magical words Christian. But maybe it is okay they keep running around in there." She points to her head as she laughs a little. "She taught me a lesson I had to learn and this way I don't forget. She was holding this glass in front of me and I rolled my eyes towards her, her, the most magnificent woman I have ever met. Truly Christian she is better with words than I am."

He was surprised to see her eyes light up like that, he hasn't seen that for quite some time, he even doubted if he ever saw her eyes like that. Did she ever look so satisfied when around him? This woman had given her something so precious that for a moment he took in doubt if there was something more going on between them.

"And with a sigh I answered her 'it is half empty'. The woman immediately shook her head, but not to tell me I was wrong. She told me that it didn't matter how much was in the glass. She told me the longer she held the glass the more it would weigh, if she would hold it for a minute, she would have no problem carrying the weight. But as that minute turned into an hour the glass would become heavier, even though the weight didn't change one bit. If she would have held it for an entire day her arm would have felt paralysed and numb. In each of these cases the weight of the glass didn't change, time did. The longer you hold onto something the heavier it becomes. I think my mind is like that glass of water, I keep everything in, in some cases I write it down, but most of the time my mind is just overflowing. I think I am finally ready to put the glass down when it comes to you." She drops a silence to see if he understood all the information, she just gave him.

He nods, not saying much. With a lump in her throat she carries on. She could do this; she would put the glass down.

"I didn't know what love felt like, but the word always scared me, so I never wanted to think about it. You taught me that it doesn't have to be bad or scary, love is feeling at peace. And Christian I have never felt more at peace around anyone. I love you; I think I always have."

Silence. Nothing but silence.

Five minutes past, slowly turning into ten.

Scared she reached for his hand. When he felt her fingers touching his he flinched. He had not been touched with such gentleness since the one he loved more than anyone had touched him for the last time. He was no stranger to women and had felt their touch on all different parts of his body. But this touch it made him feel at home, like he belonged some place, some place like her arms.

Tears were crawling down her face. "It is okay. I am not expecting a reaction. I'm just stating the fact. I love you. And I have denied it for months, but the denial is over now. I love you, and the more I feared those words the more I know they are true. I like you Christian. There. It is out in the world." She took a deep breath, she needed courage for what she was going to say next.

"I don't expect you to love me back. I don't expect you to fall in love with my green eyes the way I did with your brown pools of honey. I'm not expecting you to like me back, let alone love me back. I am okay in this world alone, I just thought you should know in case you would want to walk it together."

He was just there wondering why he pulled back from her touch, why he couldn't say a thing to her right now. It had always been her how although it was hard some days. He had loved her from the first day. He wondered how anybody could say no to someone so majestic. So perfectly imperfect. How they could hear her thoughts, look at her smile, see the emeralds in her eyes and not fall in love in that very second.

It was hope, it was hope he had seen in her eyes. Because the longer he was silent the more it seemed to slip away. Hope. It had never been hers to own that, she lived so unsure.

"Crynn..." the first word he said in a long time. It sounded emotionless coming from his lips. This is what he had trained for, no matter the stones she would throw. He knew this couldn't happen. He couldn't fall in love with her, though he never fell out of love with her.

"You know I have loved you right?" Her eyes widened. He knew she had heard the past tense in that sentence. He could see it as her fists clenched together. As her face immediately turned from his.

"I am sorry. I just can't let that happen again. You were everything I wanted, but loving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do." His voice cracked.