Second Chance (Anthony Rizzo)

(4) A Good Feeling

Jessica

Sometimes, right before I go to bed my mind starts to wonder. My brain always has done it, and I don't really remember where it used to go to. Having a stroke at the ripe age of 26 will do that to you. But letting it wonder and not know where it is going to go is scary. Like wondering into a dark forrest where you don't know what's real and what's not. If the fear you are feeling is of what you do know or what you don't. Sometimes I have dreams and they seem so real, so vivid that I think it's real life. But then I wake up and I realize there's years off of my life I don't remember so I'll never know if it was real. Doctors said the last 5 years of my life are lost, and I won't get them back. I have don't really remember and I don't know what they're about. I have friends that I haven't been friends with in years because we fell apart but I don't recall it. The last things I remember correctly I was 21 years old, a college girl drinking her life away having fun. I played softball and liked to hang out with my friends and going to concerts. But that was five years ago.

Now I don't even know the world I'm living in.

So many nights I stay up staring at my ceiling of my childhood room in Antioch, just outside of Chicago. I'm not well enough to be on my own yet. My brain is still correcting all the damage that it can, though what I really want I'll never get back. I know I had a good life, I can tell by the way my parents and siblings look at me now that that life is gone. They try to hide these things from me so I don't get upset because things can't be the way they used to. But I can't help but wonder what my life was like. Who my friends were, what my job was. I can't help but dwell on five beautiful years I will never get back.

I decide to get out of bed to prevent myself from spiraling again and go down stairs. I take medicine and go to therapy but those things don't matter when your brain is damaged. I take my phone and scroll through social media though it was pretty empty since I had to start all over. My parents were trying their hardest to shelter me. Help me restart my entire life even though I spent 26 years building up a totally different one. I know it's for the best, I shouldn't try and get back what I used to have but I still feel so empty waiting for me to figure it all out.

I feel my phone buzz in my hand and I see a text from Anthony. I smile big because he was out of town and I kind of missed him.

Thinking of you

I bite my lip trying to understand what this all means.

My situation with him was difficult because he doesn't really know what happened. He asks about me and I genuinely don't know what to say, I don't remember some things like if I had a new favorite movie since I could last remember or if I tried a new food I loved and that was my new favorite. I didn't want to keep what happened to me from him but it's also so difficult to talk about when I don't even know what there is to tell him.

Funny you say that because I was just thinking of you too

It was all good things I hope

Only the best

Maybe when I get back in town and we can talk about it over a dinner

I just stare at my phone as I hold a ice cold glass of water in my hand. I try to think about where this could possibly go but my brain wasn't sure. Never really sure anymore. I wasn't sure about most things these day. I liked this guy, I really do. But I don't want him to want to be with this girl he thinks me up to be and not who I end up becoming. I don't even know who I am.

We have a lot to talk about

For you, I'll make the time

I just smile as I let out a sigh. I don't know why but I trusted him.

Alright. I decided where we hung out last time, you can choose where we go this time.

How about we meet at the pier and talk there then walk around to see if we can find any good food trucks?

That sounds lovely. How does noon Friday sound?

I'll be counting down the seconds.

I finish up my drink before washing the glass I used. I hear the door to the kitchen open and my dad comes in.

"I thought I heard you" he claims as I set the cup in the dish washer.

"Couldn't sleep" I admit as he stands beside me.

"That makes two of us" he agrees.

He pulls me into a hug as he squeezes me tight. I love hugs. We break apart as he looks down at me. "You okay kiddo" he wonders.

"Yeah. I just have a lot on my mind and it's about seemingly nothing at all. It's crazy" I laugh dryly.

"You want to talk about it" he wonders.

I lean against the counter as a long sigh passes my lips. I look at the ground looking for answers and yet again coming up empty.

"I'm going out with Anthony again this weekend" I start and his eyes get big.

"Really" he asks and I laugh.

"Yes. Try not to be too shocked" I joke.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but this if the first time you are actively trying to hang out with someone you don't remember" he reminds me.

"I can't hide in here forever" I shrug.

"Well I have a good feeling about him. You can trust him" he tries.

"I feel like I can. But what if he doesn't want a girl who has so much to relearn? All those lessons I went through, all those days of becoming the best person I can be are lost. There's so much of me missing and what if those are the things he wants" I question.

"For once you're going to have to trust in what you can't control. I promise you that life isn't as scary as it seems. And you like this boy, I can tell you do. At least give him a chance" he begs.

"I am. I'm just... so scared" I sigh.

"I have a good feeling this will all work out" he smiles.

He grabs himself a drink before we both head back to where we came from. I crawl into bed and throw my phone back on the charger. I look at my blank Lock Screen trying to figure out how to give myself a identity. But I wasn't sure who I was, who I was going to be. I just hope it is someone worth while.