An ongoing poem

The poem

I cried myself to sleep last night,
Mental breakdowns left and right.
Mild depression and ADHD,
Something or other anxiety.
Parents divorced, no longer a team,
Add to that my low self esteem.
My motivation's at an all time low,
Why is that? I don't know.
My life kinda sucks not gonna lie,
No thank you, I don't want to die.
I wrote this poem for some relief,
I just hope this sadness will be brief.

- Nick 5-6-2020

Finding a job where I'm not a 'discard',
and getting into college have been hard.
I don't know what to do; I'm at a loss,
These past few weeks have been utter chaos.
I'm a clueless fool who's unprepared,
I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm kinda scared.
I have some support, but is it enough?
Even if it is, life is tough.
I'm trying to be responsible; I really am,
But I'm failing at that; I'm just a sham.
I don't know what life has in store,
For an 18 year old kid who's fucking poor.
I can't afford to go to college,
And get at that valuable knowledge.
I know she wants the best for me,
But my mom is living through me vicariously.
I feel like a puppet on a string,
Not able to be my own being.
And every time I flop or fail,
All she does is yell and wail.
Not sure how to end this rhyme,
As it seems I'll be back at any time.
But this is enough for now,
So I'll pause here and take a bow.

-Nick 9-3-2020

Here I am again once more,
Today I'm not feeling all that sore.
Found a job to earn some money,
Working hard, nothing phoney.
Haven't figured out school just yet,
But that'll happen soon, I bet.
I've got people that care about me,
Not too few, not too many.
Regardless, I'm still anxious,
But I'm trying not to make a fuss.
I guess I'll just have to trust,
That things will go smoothly, if they must.

-Nick 9-18-2020

Still haven't figured out school,
And I'm starting to feel like a fool.
My jobs doing fine,
I have money and it's mine.
Saving up for college,
Paying for that knowledge.
I'm still not sure I want to get,
A college education yet.
I want to get one eventually,
But I have other plans for now, you see.

-Nick 11-4-2020

I got to spend new year's with my friends,
Having fun that never ends.
We played a game to know each other,
Said some things that'd scare a mother.
We were able to get stuff off our chests,
Although depressing, it was for the best.
And when the conversation got deep,
We'd hug together in a big heap.
We grew together and learned more,
Than we ever knew about each other before.
Closer now than before we started,
And thankful that John never farted.
Sometime we will probably do this again,
I hope too much time doesn't pass before then.
I think I'll leave this here for now,
I'll be back later, ciao.

-Nick 1-1-2021

My problems haven't changed with time,
it's why I'm adding to this rhyme.
It has become my method of coping,
And it allows me to keep hoping.
Hoping for a nicer world,
One less twisted and fucking curled.
I know that good looks better against bad,
But bad is all I seem to have had.
I get that I have food and a roof,
But is that really even proof?
Proof I'm living, or just surviving?
Either way my spirit's diving.
Diving into the endless void,
At least I'm not unemployed.
The reason that I have this job,
Sometimes makes my pain throb.
$14,000 for tuition sucks,
And I have nowhere near that many bucks.
Especially since a lot's online,
Little in person; might be a sign.
A sign that our world is fucked,
And college is an abstract construct.
All this hard work for a degree,
For not much change in salary.
It just isn't worth it at the moment,
To be broke ass college student.
But until I find a way to bring this to light,
I'll just bottle it up with all my might.
For now I'll continue on this road,
And hope that I don't fucking explode.