Think Twice

Chapter 18

            He felt his gut sinking as the world ran around him in slow motion. This was her world, her calling. This was where she belonged, just like her master had said. The people needed a leader like her, a hero like her. Despite their time together, she was a Jedi through and through. He hadn’t corrupted her, if anything, he’d rooted her even more strongly in the light. 

            He blinked sadly, if he was made of stone, his skin would start cracking from the sorrow that pumped through him. No matter what she’d said, she belonged here, and he didn’t. He didn’t belong in her world, in this world. He didn’t belong in her life. She was too good for him, he’d only hold her back. He didn’t deserve her, and he definitely didn’t have any right to take her from this. 

            Love. Yeah... what he’d had with her was something special. Something he’d never forget as long as he lived. But sometimes love wasn’t enough. She’d kept her promise to free him, now... now he had to set her free. Love was pain. Love was a weakness. Love had only ever brought him suffering. 

            “Goodbye, Snips,” he whispered. She couldn’t hear him, she was running to meet the droids as they hit the ground. “I’m sorry that we never had a real chance. But it’s for the best, you know? You belong here. The people need you.” He took a deep breath, watching her leap into the fray, fearless in whatever she believed in. Whatever gave her purpose. Whatever she saw as justice. “Take care of yourself.”

            He ignored the chaos as he dropped his head and walked away. There was fighting all around him, and blasters firing, people yelling. He could hear the echoes of droids, but it all felt so far away. It just became static; like white noise. There was nothing distinct, nothing clear. Nothing but his feet as he trudged along, making his way back to their ship. 

            A tear streaked down his cheek and he brushed it away without much thought. This was the moment he’d dreamt about for years; his greatest dream come to fruition. It should be a moment of pure joy, of ecstasy. But all he felt was cold, broken... empty. The Sith code was wrong. He’d never really believed it, but now he had proof. Through victory my chains are broken, and the force will set me free. 

            He didn’t feel free. He didn’t feel unshackled or victorious. There was nothing about the code that said victory would come at such a cost, nothing about how much you’d lose to achieve it. And maybe that was because power, strength, victory and freedom were all illusions. Maybe they were relative or interpretive. Maybe they were as arbitrary as justice. Or maybe they were just the dreams of broken souls that wanted nothing more than to escape their fates.

            He stepped into the lift that would take him from the senate plaza down to the landing platforms. He pressed the button absentmindedly and ignored the sounds of battle up above as it slowly descended down the shaft. The lift squealed and then shuddered and for the first time he looked around. On the other side of it was a young kid, cowering against the wall, holding tight to the rail as though at any moment the lift would plummet off its track. The kid looked up at him and then looked away quickly, trembling.

            All at once, an explosion rocked the shaft, debris raining down faster than the lift. The kid started screaming when the floor beneath them broke and they were both free-falling into the darkness.

            Without really thinking he grabbed the kid, who squirmed in his arms for some reason. He didn’t bother to comfort him as he looked for a way out of this mess. He couldn’t just grab the sides because the lift was falling down on top of them. Then he saw the glass for one of the lower levels. He ignited his lightsaber and spun around, throwing it at the glass to break it and then he caught a pipe and flipped out through the hole he’d made, rolling across the metal ground.