"I'm sorry you feel that way."
There was a long, dreadful silence before he uttered those words as a reply.
I lifted my head to face him. I wanted to tell him that he doesn't have to say sorry because it's not his fault that my life sucks. However, the ball of lump in my throat completely arrested my voice.
All I could do was gaze at him blankly.
My vision has become a little hazy now, too. But I know that he's still looking at me. Perhaps with pity. I'm not sure. And he held that gaze for quite a long time.
Something inside my stomach hurt. It's as though someone swung a hard fist on it and now, I feel like throwing up. However, I'm not sure if it's because I drank without eating anything or because there's a good chance that this person is staring at me with an uncalled-for commiseration.
To release the heaviness I'm feeling inside, I had to sigh.
"It must have been tough," he said sympathetically.
Another bitter chuckle escaped me. Tough is such a mediocre word to describe what I've gone through and what I'm going through right now. It had been hellish and it doesn't stop being one.
"Sure," I replied boringly while looking away—even when that term doesn't even amount to half of what I'm feeling right now. I only said it with hopes that this conversation will soon reach its end.
I rested my back on the wall and closed my eyes again.
"Neighbor," I heard him call.
Hindi ako nagbukas ng mga mata. Ipapahinga ko muna ang mga ito.
"What?"
"Do you want to sleep now?"
Hindi pa. Ayaw ko pa.
Given the current state of my mind, even if I try to pull up my covers and fight the demons in my sleep, they will still win over me. And it will hurt to continue living after waking up from that kind of nightmare.
That's why it would be best if I just pass out completely because of exhaustion and without giving myself the luxury of time to dig up old memories.
Mas pipiliin ko na lamang munang pagurin ang aking sarili ngayong gabi. Pipiliting buksan pa ang mga mata sa abot ng aking makakaya. Hanggang sa tuluyan na akong mapagod at hindi na kayang pigilan pa ang kanilang pagbigat. Hanggang sa tuluyan na akong dalhin ng aking katawan sa panandaliang paglimot.
I shook my head as a response to his question.
"Then, that makes the two of us. Hindi pa rin ako inaantok, eh," aniya habang bahagyang tumatawa. "Samahan na lang muna kita rito—"
He was about to say something else but I cut him off. "You can go inside. Sinabi ko naman sa'yo na hindi ko kailangan ng kasama."
I heard him sigh.
"Hanggang sa gustuhin mo lang na magpahinga na, Lerisse. Okay lang ba?" seryosong aniya. "Pakiramdam ko hindi ako makakatulog nang maayos kapag iniwan kitang ganito, eh."
"Sanay ako mag-isa," mabilis kong balik.
"I know," he countered gravely. He paused for a few seconds before continuing, "But being alone isn't something you have to get used to."
Well, that's a shame because I have already mastered the art of loneliness. Through the years, I have learned not to long for the company of other people. It doesn't make much difference, anyway, because at the end of the day, I'm left with no one but myself.
