lana del rey imagines

ꨄ︎ mercy ꨄ︎

The story is always the same. It doesn't hurt that events repeat themselves countless times, it hurts that the person you love has broken her promise not to do it again, and over again. You had the illusion of arriving at your house and rest in your girlfriend's arms after the exhausting day you had, but you found her with a couple of male friends, drinking and getting high instead.

The hip hop music that's playing isn't even loud enough to silence your disastrous thoughts. You're trying very hard to tolerate the foul smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke that surrounds the environment. In some way or another, you always end up being part of the casual meetings that your girlfriend organizes without notifying you.

"Sure you don't want to?" Lana brings the cigare she's smoking closer to your mouth but you push it away.

"I said no," you tell her with a bit of exasperation. But she doesn't seem to notice your discomfort, in fact, she sits better on your lap and smiles.

For a moment, your gaze get lost on the man with tattoos who has just returned to the living room with more bottles of beers in hand. How much longer do they intend to stick around? They move around so comfortably, as if this were their own damn place.

"Don't you want some white lines?"

"Hell no."

"Spoilsport," Lana whispers in your ear. Her mouth soon travels to your neck, pressing kisses that are kinda rough for your liking.

Discomfort grows in your chest as her teeth begin to bite into your skin. You try to pull away, and that's when your skin is bitten hard, without a hint of gentleness.

"Stop it!" You groan in pain, pushing her away.

Lana just laughs as if the whole situation is the funniest thing in the world. "God, you're so fucking boring."

After saying that sentence that broke your heart even more, due to the rudeness used, Lana approaches one of her friends. Tears start to form in your eyes when you see them pour white powder on the table and start to form lines. You refuse to watch your girlfriend getting high in front of you, and quickly make your way to the bedroom.

Tears are soon sliding down your cheeks. Your crying only intensifies when you see the mark Lana left on your neck. Memories of when she kissed that place with affection overwhelm you. You eventually end up sitting in a corner of the bathroom, crying uncontrollably, wishing everything was different. The person you love the most dragged you with herself to a dark and lonely place, which you never wanted to leave because you thought you could give it a little color; but the truth is that you can't, and hope has completely vanished.

With the final decision made, you get out of the bathroom and start packing your clothes in a suitcase. You thought you would no longer have tears after bawling for more than ten minutes but they keep falling extremely easy. Especially when you find Lana clothing among your own. You cling to one of her white blouses, dampening it with your tears of grief as you inhale the soft fragrance permeating the fabric, roses and caramel. It's like embracing a ghost of her, someone long gone.

Despite how hard it's being for you, you keep packing your clothes until nothing else fits in your suitcase. You feel the enormous need to leave as soon as possible, unnoticed, but then you find Lana in the middle of the hall. She frowns when she sees the suitcase you're holding. But words are not necessary when her green eyes connect with yours. Even in her poor state, she's able to read you like an open book. She knows.

"No..." Her voice comes out in a whisper you barely hear. "No, please, tell me you're not leaving."

"I have to."

Her gaze breaks. "Please, no... I can change. I'm gonna fix this."

"I've been hearing that for over a year, and every time, I believe you." Your voice grows weak, "You break your promises, you lie to me, you hurt me..."

"But I can change, I will, I promise."

In her attempt to get closer to you, she ends up falling on the floor. She seems to find the fall amusing because she doesn't hold back her laughter. Doing your best not to cry again, you take a few steps forward and crouch down to her level. Lana lifts her gaze and everything inside you hurts like hell when you see nothing but emptiness in those beautiful eyes that once shone with joy and love.

"I miss you... I miss the person I fell in love with..."

Your hand travels to her hair, which you gently tuck behind her ear. Lana smiles faintly and a second later she is clinging to you. You remember the times when she held you tight yet tenderly, when she would unexpectedly hug you at any time of the day. You always begged the universe to stay that way forever but eventually she stopped doing that, stopped caring about showing affection anymore.

"Please, d-don't leave me... I don't know how to do this w-without you."

After what seems like an infinity of minutes, you pull away from her. You wonder if she's aware of the mess of tears you just shed on her shoulder, how painful this is for you. Is it for her too, or are her emotions so numb that she doesn't feel anything at all?

"And I don't know how to do this with you, not anymore." A small sob escapes from your mouth. "I'm gonna call your sister, 'kay? Listen to her, she just wants to take care of you."

She takes one of you hands. "But I want you to.. to take care of me."

Why does she have to make it more painful? Why can't she just let you go?

"I can't... I can't stay anymore, Lana..."

"Why? You don't love me anymore?"

"I will always love you, always."

"And then why-"

"Because I don't recognize you, I don't know who you are anymore! I'm losing myself trying to save you, can't you see it?" More sobs. "I really tried but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of this whole shitty life! I'm sorry but I can't stay, okay?"

She starts doing what she always does to try to keep you by her side, she starts to beg, to tell you how much she needs you by her side. But for the first time ever, you ignore her. You ignore her voice, her pain, and also yours. Because if you give in, you will never leave this place. You'll never leave her.

After standing up, you grab your suitcase and start to walk away.

"Please, Y/N! Please, don't go!" Your soul shatters when you hear her sobs, but you refuse to turn around. You don't go back to her. "I love you! Don't l-leave me! Don't..."

This is the right thing to do, you know it, you remind yourself as you open the door and leave the house that once felt like home. But your home disappeared when Lana did. Now all you have left are the memories, which you're going to hold on tight to survive, hoping that the one you love can do the same. Please, survive.

✾