The Snowblower Bandit And Other Stories

The Instigator

As long as I've been quarantined at my girlfriend's place with her family, I've been trying to be helpful. Plus, I get bored easily, and I like to be putzing with SOMETHING all the time. Today, I got her outside to help with yardwork.

I had just gone to the shed for some spray for a giant red ant nest I came across, and on my way to dispatch it, I noticed that there appeared to be a nest in a birdhouse I always thought was only decorative.

I got close and peeked in the little circular opening. To my surprise, a little grey and red head peeked back at me, tilted to the side, then exploded out in a little flurry of chirps and tweets. To my even greater surprise, it landed directly on my head and went silent.

I think we were both too shocked at this sudden development to move. I expected any minute to feel its little mini-golf pencil beak start jabbing my scalp, or maybe a little tuft of hair being ripped out to pad its nest.

Seconds ticked by, and still neither of us moved. Finally, a little fed up that I, a creature outweighing this bird by roughly 2,000 times (I did the math), was paralyzed by it, I rolled my eyeballs up and said, "Well, what now?"

It squawked and fluttered its wings.

"Well, don't get mad at me! I didn't put you up there!"

It fluttered off my head and landed on a branch, only to curse at me in the staccato bird dialect it was using and flap its wings wildly at me.

"Sorry! I was just curious for gosh sake. I didn't know you were home!"

It jumped branches several times, continuing its insulting barrage of chirps.

"I'd watch my mouth if I were you! I fill the birdfeeders around here, you know!" That's when and I kid you not, it flew back into its house and a small twig came flying back out in my direction.

"Uh! Why you little..."

"Annie?"

I turned to see CeeCee leaning on a weed whacker, staring at me casually.

I looked at the bird and saw little black eyes challenging me. I jabbed a finger in the brute's direction.

"She started it!"

CeeCee considered me. "Is this one of those times I'm going to have to take your side in a fight because I'm your girlfriend?"

"Did you not see what she did? It's clearly her fault."

CeeCee just slowly shrugged, tilted her head and made that little toothy smile that means, "Well..."

I grabbed the ant spray and stalked off to take out my anger on biting insects. I heard her call after me, "I'll portray you as the victim when I tell this story!"