Falling into Hope [GxG]

Chapter 15

I left early in the morning, saying a quick goodbye to Hope and heading to my house. I felt like isolating myself; I know isolating yourself is a red flag, but I need to be alone sometimes. I'll be honest and admit that it never really leads to anything good when I start isolating. But happiness and things going well are always temporary. Some say that the bad days, depression, and darkness are temporary too, but honestly, in my case, they are the only constants in my life right now.

While Hope making an entrance in my life has truly brought longer spouts of happiness and good, they will always be temporary. After I finish this bucket list with Hope, that's when I'm going to finish what I started the night she found me up on that roof. I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard a knock on my door.

"Come in." I raised my voice just a bit, so whoever it was could hear me. My mom poked her head into my room.

"Hey there, hon. I just got a call from the airline saying it's your last chance to use your tickets." I looked at her in surprise.

"I totally forgot about them." She just hummed and looked up in thought. She then looked back at me with a twinkle in her eye.

"I know you had other plans when it came to this trip... But maybe you could still go, but with Hope." I looked away from her. I could feel my emotions slightly flare-up. I definitely had other plans when it came to this trip, the main one being Maddie. I took a deep, shaky breath and let it out slowly while closing my eyes. Once I opened them, I looked towards my mom.

"I don't know, mom." I let out another sigh and looked out my window. I then felt a dip in my bed, and I turned towards it to see my mom.

"Sweetie. I know it hurts. I know you're probably thinking that you're replacing Maddie and that by replacing her, you're betraying her. But sweetie, you're not doing either of those things, because first and foremost, Maddie can never be replaced, and we all know, especially Maddie, that you would never attempt to replace or betray her. I think she would want you to go; this was a dream of yours too." I could feel the hot tears cool down as they reached the bottom of my face and drip off onto my bed. My mom just looked at me, and I could see tears brim her eyes as well. I knew she wanted to reach out and hold me close, but she knew that we both would break a little too much than what either of us wanted to at the moment.

"I'll ask if Hope wants to, and we'll see if her parents approve." My mom gave a small smile then pulled me into a hug. She kissed the side of my head before she got up and headed towards the door.

"You ask Hope. I'll talk to her parents." She said, turning back to look at me before she fully exited my room.

Once my mom left my room, I made my way off my bed and into the bathroom. I didn't recognize the person staring back at me. Their brown eyes aren't glowing with life; they are just dull and lifeless. The darkness and bags under their eyes just show that they don't sleep. Their curly dark brown hair is a mess. Their clothes that used to fit perfectly are loose now. Who is this person? Who am I?

After that last question, I lost all composure and broke down. I sunk to the bathroom floor, sobbing.

"Why? Why? Why?" I kept repeating in a whisper while rocking myself back and forth. I fisted my hands into my hair, pulling on them.

"Why?" I screamed out. Why can't this just be over? I can't take this pain anymore. The voices in my head are winning more and more every day. I feel like I'm going crazy; my whole body is just numb, heavy, and in pain all at the same time.

I couldn't stop crying, each wave hitting harder than the last one. I had my knees still tucked into me with my arms wrapped around them, rocking back and forth to where I would hit my head on the wall. Just trying to get the voices to shut up. I soon felt a presence pull me into them, and I turned further into them, welcoming their warmth.