Take my heart

Chapter IX

Say everything you want about Connor, the flirt, the tease, the player, but at the end of the day, it's undeniable he has the stupid heart of a good person.

Three days before Caesar gets back home, guilt threatens to eat him alive every night. He should be happy now, because his plan is working, with him having a girlfriend Caesar must understand that it's time to move on. Until it occurs to him that unrequited love is hell—he should know, he's seen Darren mourn over it—and he's making both Caesar and Ali go through it. Sure, Ali doesn't know, but still.

Connor's smart enough to be perfectly aware that he's using her. That's the uncomfortable truth right there, he found a girl who actually liked him and he can't do anything but use her. And not quite because he hasn't tried anything else.

They hang out almost everyday. He makes himself watch her do the smallest of things, like wrap her fingers around a mug, and burrow into her coat, and blush at his compliments—at every moment tries to convince himself that he likes her, that he can be attracted to her, can be mesmerized by the simplest of her actions. It doesn't work.

He tries touching her little by little. Brushing her cheek with his fingertips, wrapping an arm around her waist, pressing a hand to the small of her back, feeling her warmth seep to him through the fabric. She stands on her toes to kiss him hello and goodbye every time, and he smiles because it's adorable, but he forgets what her touch feels like as she pulls away. He tries convincing himself that kissing her is more than just nice, that he'll find sparks and fireworks if he searches enough. It doesn't work.

So, though not for lack of trying, in the end he's just using her, and yet he can't stop. What's the alternative? Break up and let Caesar think he has a chance, only for reality to hit him even harder?

For fuck's sake, he can't break Caesar's heart. What if he confesses? How is he supposed to look at his best friend, the one he shares a single soul with, and deny him of something he wants? It's useless. Anything Caesar's ever wanted, for as long as he can remember, he's given him. Anything to make him happy, to put a smile on his face and blow away the storm that clouds his eyes when things go wrong.

Oh, that. That's the alternative.

His throat runs dry as soon as the thought materializes in his head. Is it possible? No, no way. But, if Caesar did it, why couldn't he as well?

It's only natural, they'd said that time (or shared the thought, most likely): if one were to fall, the other would just follow, no question or agreement needed. It makes so much sense he wants to bang his head on the wall for only thinking about it now. If Caesar wanted Connor to love him back...

He's been doing just that for most of his life already. What is a bit more, a little step further down the line. If he can stand kissing Ali, though it makes him feel nothing at all, he could surely stand to kiss Caesar. At least it would be comfortable. It should feel like coming home.

"Fuck that. What the hell," he snaps, closing a fist around the burning in his chest. This is all wrong.

In the end, he just wants his best friend back.