.weighted. ; lashton

six

today was the day i was going to confront joshua. i had spent the past few days with ashton, trying to get my eating habits back to normal. i was eating less than i had been for weeks and my stomach did not agree with that. it made me think i wanted more than i got and it pissed me off. but in a way, it was almost like starving myself. i was denying myself of food.

"whatcha need, luke?"

here goes nothing. "josh, i don't want to gain weight anymore. i'm miserable, i never even wanted to in the first place. i just did it because you said i'd look good but i don't really care if i look 'good' or not. it's my body and i want to do what i want to it. i don't appreciate you telling me to change myself so that i'll be considered 'attractive' to you. i don't know what your deal is with fetishizing fat but i'd appreciate it if you'd just leave my weight alone. i'm so unhappy. and you know what you do? you call me shit like 'fatass' or 'fatty' and then expect me to absolutely love the way i look! you tell me not to tense up or suck in when you touch me but then you call me some weird nickname that has to do with my weight that instantly makes me uncomfortable. i just- i can't. i can't keep doing this to myself."

joshua looked at me, pure shock plastered across his face. then the shock turned to anger and i felt slightly less confident and proud of what i said. "you little fatass! you think you're doing something by standing up for yourself? even if you started eating less you wouldn't be able to get back to your original petite size so why bother?"

i thought about what ashton had told me, 'if he doesn't respect you, you have to let him go. it's what's best for you.' "i don't care, we're done. you're a fucking freak." i started to gather my things from the apartment so i could leave for good.

"well at least i'm not fat," he snickered. i felt myself getting nauseous but it only drove me to pack everything up quicker so i could get out of there.

~~~

my hands banged at the door harshly, my arms jiggling slightly as i did so.

soon enough, a familiar head of golden curls opened the door and i smiled. his bone structure was so perfect and pretty i couldn't help but stare at him for a second before speaking up. "we broke up," i said simply before letting myself in.

"oh, i'm so sorry," ashton closed the door behind me and brought me into a room that appeared to be his bedroom. i looked around curiously, noticing a drum kit in the corner and an acoustic guitar in the opposite corner.

"i didn't know you played the guitar..." i murmured, walking over to it. *just pretend ok*

"oh yeah..i can," he giggled, swiping his hair out of his eyes and pushing it behind an ear. "it was actually my first instrument."

i grinned warmly and he returned the gesture, "how did i not know this? why'd you never tell me?"

ashton shrugged, his smile fading, "i'm just a drummer, i didn't think it'd matter."

i went a little pale, feeling embarrassed that i didn't even know something so big like this about my 'best friend'.

"well uhhh... you'll be sleeping in here, in my room, because i can't stand to see you be miserable on my couch."

"then where are you going to sleep?"

"the couch."

i shook my head without hesitation, "no! i can't let you sleep on the couch, i'll sleep on it instead."

"luke, you heard what i said, i'll be fine." i pulled the sleeves of my sweatshirt down and eyed him for a second.

"fine but just for tonight." ashton nodded and took my bags from me, setting them down.

"so the bathroom is over there. there's a scale in there, don't abuse that freedom, 'ya hear me?" i hummed a quiet 'ok' and he took me into another room. "this is the kitchen, you already knew that, over there is the living room. i think you know where everything is anyway so.." his eyes suddenly met mine, i had been gazing at his remarkable jawline and my eyes must've wandered up to his. 

ashton's eyes quickly moved to the floor, "if you need anything, and i mean anything...someone to talk to, something to eat.. i'll be down here. just come down whenever, i'll be here."

i nodded. he's such a sweetheart, i almost forgot what it was like for someone to care about me.

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