.weighted. ; lashton

five

"so what do you normally eat?"

"uh.." i thought about it for a second, unsure of how i used to eat. "i don't know how much or what but i skipped lunch all the time. sometimes breakfast."

"you skipped meals?" ashton looked at me with a worried look on his face. i nodded, acting as if it was a normal thing to do even though i knew it wasn't. "i- well i can't let you do that, okay? that's not healthy. you're gonna lose weight in a healthy way."

"understood," i mumbled, i was hoping this would be an excuse for me to skip meals but i guess it's not. not for him at least, i think it's fine.

"so you don't know what a normal meal for you would look like?"

"well. it was typically healthy stuff like vegetables or fruit. maybe some type of carb or something," i cringed when i admitted to eating carbs with my meals sometimes. that shouldn't be weird for me but it was. talking about food weirded me out in general.

"well no wonder you were so skinny before, you were probably so underweight!"

"what?" i didn't understand what he said, my body was always fat, i was never extremely skinny. not in my opinion at least.

"what do you mean 'what'? you were skin and bones, mate." i looked around the room, shrugging a little.

"but i wasn't, ash, i've always been chubby."

ashton just looked at me in disbelief, he was clearly trying to think of something to say. the right thing to say. "have you ever heard of body dysmorphia, luke?"

i thought for a second then nodded, "yeah why?"

"i believe you have that but i can't conform that for you. you seem to have the symptoms though and if you'd be okay with it, i'd like for you to go get that checked out or something."

"i was actually diagnosed with that when i was younger."

"you never told me? really?"

"well- i-i just, i didn't believe them. what i see in the mirror is what everyone else sees now so it doesn't matter."

"no, that's not true. i'm also not convinced that you see exactly what we do. you were never chubby before joshua came around. you were always thin, super thin."

i sighed when he basically admitted that he thought i was chubby now. "whatever, let's get back to the food situation."

"i'm not gonna let you eat your old meals, they weren't healthy. no half-assed meals for you, okay?" i nodded worriedly, hoping he didn't mean that at all.

but he meant it.

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