𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 ; 𝐬 . 𝐫

𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞.

october 21st, 9:01 am.

you picked up a piece of lined paper and a black pen,

dear spencer,

i know you'll never see this but i figured i'd write it because why not? maybe you're watching me from wherever you are. i hope you are.

i wish i could've told you everything, spencer, i really do. who knew i loved you as much as i thought i hated you? not me. it's the 1 month anniversary since the last time i saw you. if i knew what was going to happen i'd be able to stop time and actually say this to your face. i can't believe everything that i thought happened between us was just a coma dream. the sub-conscious mind is crazy, huh? 

you'd probably be saying some nerdy fact about the human mind right now, i bet $100. it's crazy how real it felt. i swear i can still feel your hands on my waist, i swear i can still feel your warmth next to me. it's like you never left.

 i hope you didn't. 

from the first day we met to the last day i could ever lay my eyes on you, i thought i hated you. but boy, was i wrong. 

i feel like i got closer to you when i was unconscious in a hospital then anyone i've ever met. even though we didn't always communicate completely right and often we'd get into little scuffles during this 'daydream', it's like i knew every little detail about you. 

every little perfect imperfection you had. every little bump or dip on your body. i felt like i knew you. 

i felt like i knew you more than anybody did, but i have a feeling i must be wrong.

part of me wants to believe you were exactly like how i imagined you during my dream, because i feel like you were. the way the team would talk about you made me rethink a lot. sometimes i'd find myself drawn to you for no reason, which seem to make me hate you more. i think i was annoyed you didn't seem to have any interest in me and hated me, so i thought i'd just hate you back. i've now come to terms i never did and every time i tried to convince myself i did i'd always get back to square 1, 

realizing i never hated you.

i never knew how bittersweet this feeling would taste. i'm glad i'm doing well now and that you're at peace but i want to go back to the perfect world we had. or maybe the perfect world i had. i don't know how you felt about me. at first i was mad at you for saving me. you had so much life ahead of you, spencer. i don't know how or if i'll ever be able to repay you for saving me and i'm not sure if i've come to terms with it all yet but i know for sure that you didn't deserve what you got. 

i probably sound crazy writing this because i finally realized that i've been in love with you this whole time during a coma dream. see, after i woke up, i laid alone in the hospital room after emily and jj left, and i was left alone with my thoughts. you probably know how dangerous those can be. whenever i'd blink or close my eyes my mind would immediately flicker back to those small moments that i convinced myself they'd never mean anything. 

do you remember when we first met and you startled rambling on about facts about farms and cows and leather because i brought in a leather handbag with me? i do. 

do you remember the time you stopped me from driving home drunk with just a glare? i do.

do you remember that one time you flashed me a sweet and innocent smile during garcia's secret santa? i know you knew i'd given you the gift. i wish i'd smiled back.

i'm just throwing this out there, but if you're watching over me, will you send me a sign? this is a long shot, but maybe if you can, would you send me a blue clipper butterfly? those are my favorite. i know they aren't found around here, not even in the US, and that's why i said a blue clipper. i'll know if it's a sign.

you've probably saved my life many more times than i know, and for that, i'm forever grateful. 

i'm forever grateful for you. 

you, spencer reid.

love,

y/n y/l/n

months passed, and soon it was already february of the new year. every month on the 21st, you'd re-read the letter you wrote to spencer, counting the months since you woke up in that hospital bed. you had put it in a special place in your jewelry box. you only ever took it out on the 21st or on days you knew spencer liked. sometimes you'd cringe at your plea for him to send you a sign of a butterfly. you knew it was unrealistic, but you couldn't help but think,

what if he could? 

on a crisp morning in the mountains of oregon, you finally could catch a break from the case you had been swallowed by. you'd gotten far enough away from the crime scene you could catch a perfect, silent, moment in time. 

you stood on the ledge of a mountain that overlooked part of the vast range, dense trees stretching out for miles along the hills. the hills dipped and rose in jagged patterns along the horizon. it looked almost rhythmic, even though it was at a standstill. maybe it's the way your eyes would follow just the top of the mountains, your eyes curving along with the land's layout.

mist had slid itself inbetween the trees, clinging onto the earth with what looked like giant claws; as if it was some sort of parasite attaching itself to anything it could find. the fog faded in and around the clearing, almost blending into the dull grey sky the mountains stood infront of. 

 you tucked your cold hands into the pockets of your dark grey thermal jacket, specially made for weather like this. your hiking boots shifted against the dead leaves beneath you. your thumb rubbed back and forth on the glass viewing portion of spencer's old watch. 

the metal wasn't cold as it normally would be if it was being worn regularly, it was rather warm from being carried in your pocket all day everyday. you ran your fingers over every little divot and crevice as you nuzzled your face into your grey scarf riding up your neck, to the bottom of your chin.

for a moment, you thought you saw a flash of blue behind a tree to your left. you raised an eyebrow, lifting your head as you saw the same flash of color. you spectated the same spot, waiting to see if it'd reveal itself again.

as the flash of blue revealed itself as it flew just across a clearing a few feet infront of you, all air left from your lungs and hot tears pulled at your eyelids.

you immediately recognized the butterfly to be a blue clipper butterfly. this butterfly was normally only ever found in south and southeast asia. with your heart in your throat and your body shaking, you smiled as a sob left your body. you felt the hot tears finally release, running down your cheeks, immediately making the hot streak down your face cold from the atmosphere around you. 

you watched the butterfly disappear into the forest and you looked back at the view. the mist didn't seem as sad and threatening anymore, rather calm and kind. you let out another sob with a smile, wiping your nose with the back of your hand. the tip of your nose red and your cheeks bitten by the fresh air around you, you looked down at your feet as you turned away from the edge of the cliff. walking away from the silence and back into what seemed like the lion's mouth, you shook your head with a smile. 

you tightened your right hand around the silver and gold watch in your pocket to the point where the metal dug into your skin almost painfully.

step by step, you walked away from the one place you knew you would never forget. the one place you'd experienced once in your life, never to be found again. the one place you would tell your kids about when they asked what happened to your first true love.

the one place; that finally made you whole again.