From Beginning to End

Chapter 10

"I hope you don't mind that I keep barging in on you like this." Jake stood in the threshold of my front door and he was fidgeting in a way that was making me uncomfortable for him. Biting my lip, I opened the door wider to invite him in. It was Saturday night and I hadn't been doing anything important anyway.

Acutely aware of the awkwardness that still kept him from making eye contact with me and kept the smile that lit my face from appearing I turned and walked into the living room. I heard the front door click shut as he followed behind me and took his usual seat on the couch. I instinctively went to sit beside him, but at the last minute my heart stuttered uncertainly and I hesitated. If he saw it, he didn't comment. Instead, he leaned back against the cushions, his eyes on the magazine on the coffee table in front of him.

We were both silent for a long moment, the ticking of the clock on the wall echoing impressively loud off of the chasm that was yawning between us. "Do you want anything?" I asked, running my palm over my sweatpants with uncharacteristic nervousness. He looked up at me and then shook his head, a sigh whistling out between his lips. After a moment’s pause I settled into the armchair across from him. That, he noticed. He finally looked up at me for a long moment, his eyes piercing. And then he looked away.

I barely suppressed a sigh of disappointment. Part of me felt terrible. Things weren't the same. I guess it was stupid of me to expect everything to have gone back to normal, but I was really hoping. We had only been hanging out regularly for just about five weeks. We weren’t ready for that kind of emotional overload. I knew I wasn’t.

The bottom line was that our relationship, already fragile at best, had been irrevocably changed. Jake didn't make sex jokes anymore. He didn't smile as easily. It was like we were walking on eggshells around each other all the time. I was afraid that it was all in my head—that I was the one doing it. I was the one making it terribly uncomfortable for the both of us. But if that was the case, for the life of me I couldn't figure out how to stop.

Feeling both of us getting lost in our thoughts, I searched for something to say. "How's your mom?" I finally blurted, and then grimaced inwardly. I really hated to keep bringing up his mother since I knew it had to be a painful subject for him. But what was going on there was the driving force behind a lot of what was going on with us. Plus, I was genuinely concerned for her. The few times I had seen her, she seemed like a nice woman. I hated to know that she was in any pain.

"Her first chemo session was today," Jake said. "She says she feels fine, but it always takes a few hours before…" he pursed his lips and I fought the urge to reach over and take his hand. Side effects of chemo were well-known. From what I understood, it was horrible, both to experience and to witness. "That's why I'm here," he said quietly.

Sympathy at the way his brow furrowed and his jaw clenched made me bite the inside of my cheek to keep from apologizing. I knew he didn't like that, but I couldn't think of anything else to say. "Make sure she eats a lot of oranges and protein," I finally got out.

Jake looked at me, a half smile on his face, "Have you been reading up on chemotherapy?"

I blushed, not realizing that he probably had already heard that advice a million times from his mother's doctors. "I was curious. I know chemo is hard. I was just wondering if there was anything that could make it better." I glanced back towards the kitchen, "I bought some fruits and a package of turkey meat for your mom. From what I read, that would be the easiest for her to eat."

That smile hadn't left his face, but it had softened considerably, "You bought stuff for my mom?"

“Um…” I swallowed hard, unsure about his expression, "Not a lot. Just…to help."