From Beginning to End

Chapter 17

When I got home that night, it was too late for either of my parents to be up which worked out perfectly because my face was red and splotchy and I was sure that I probably looked close to death. I felt as though I would pass out at any moment. The emotional overload of the day was too much; I had gone from incredible highs to painful lows all within a few minutes and now my body and mind were completely drained.

I dragged myself up to my room, trying to be quiet. Once I got there, I didn't even bother to turn on a light or try to find pajamas, I simply pulled off my t-shirt and shorts and crawled under the covers in my underwear. Though the anxiety was making my heart pound far too fast and I didn't know if sleep would even be possible, once my head hit the pillow I was out for the night.

My mother came into my room bright and early that Tuesday morning. "Crystal, wake up honey."

I pried my eyes open, still half asleep. She was there, sitting on my bed with a look I really didn't like on her face. I swallowed hard and brushed my hair out of my face. "Mom, I'm sleeping."

"Not anymore," she said with a tone of finality. Sighing, I sat up in bed. When I glanced over at my alarm clock and saw that it was only eight in the morning, I groaned. She ignored me, leaning closer and peering too intently for comfort. "You don't seem like yourself."

I furrowed my brow with confusion even though on the inside I was quaking with nerves. A mother’s intuition was my worst enemy right now. "What do you mean?"

"You've been running from me for two days, sweetie. You won't give me a straight answer about anything. And you refuse to tell me what happened when your father and I were away."

I groaned, flopping back onto my bed and shutting my eyes, "Mom, nothing happened."

It had to be the fifth or sixth time I had said that, but once again she knew better. "You can't expect me to believe that."

"Mom—"

"I'm not asking you to tell me," she interrupted before I could argue with her again. Surprised, I opened my eyes and looked at her. She didn't want to know? Then what was she here for? The expression on her face was unreadable so I sat back up slowly, waiting for her to continue. "I know my daughter," she said. "I know when something isn't right. I just want you to know that when you're ready, I'm here. No matter what it is, I'm here."

I stared at her, swallowing against a sudden flood of emotions. This was what a mom was supposed to be. For the second time since my world had come crashing down around me, I felt an overwhelming urge tell her everything. As though she could see the hesitance on my face, she simply sat there and waited, understanding clear in her eyes.

But at the last second, when the words were brimming right behind my lips I held them back. I couldn't say anything yet. Not until I knew for sure what Jake and I were going to do. "Thanks, Mom," I replied instead. She gazed at me for a long moment before nodding slowly.

"Of course, sweetie."

When she left, I let out a shaky breath. I wondered how she would feel about what I was contemplating. How did she feel about abortion? Or would she rather me give up college and my future to have the baby of a man I wasn't sure I liked in that way, much less loved?

It was impossible to know. Not right now anyway.

Sometimes, when I was alone I found myself on the internet researching pregnancy and childbirth. Some of the things I read made me cringe and others made me nauseous. But most of the things I read completely terrified me. I was afraid to think about the future. Nine months didn't seem like nearly enough time for a new human to completely develop but I had a feeling it would be on me before I knew it. If I decided to keep it.